Stuck in this nightmare

[Kayla]

We’re only a little over 2 weeks into this new year, and already it’s proving to be harder than last year.
On New Years Eve, one of my dogs became paralysed on 1 half of his body. He has a neurological problem that no vet or specialist has ever seen anything like, so when he had to go in for emergency spinal surgery, there was a fear he wouldn’t wake up… Thankfully he’s now at home and recovering, but due to this neurological issue, it’s going to be atleast 3 months before we know if he’s walking properly again.

A week ago we had to take another of my furbabies to the vet with an awful cough. They told us they’re concerned about how weak her heart is, and that her lungs aren’t clearing… She’s a little older than the other, so it’s got everyone really worried and preparing for the worst. Once summer hits, we could be losing her.

Yesterday I had a call to say that my nan is in hospital unable to breathe by herself. Although she had 2 negative Covid tests, they can’t tell us what is causing the problem. All they know is that she’s had an attack on the lungs that she won’t recover from for at least a couple of months.

I’m so tired of the constant bad news. Ever since losing Katie back in September, it feels like good news is near impossible to come by. I’m running out of ideas on how to handle all of this. How can I keep trusting God when it seems like every single day there’s a new test thrown my way? I feel so alone. It’s as if I’m just stuck in this nightmare that I can’t wake up from, and it never ends.
My head is telling me to just go back to my old ways. At least when I was high I didn’t have to worry about any of these emotions. I feel jealous of Katie, and the fact she’s at peace now… When will I finally get my peace?

[SheetMetalHead]

It’s terrible to hear that your pups aren’t doing well My dog has been sick for the last 2 weeks too.It also sucks that your Nan is in the hospital and there’s nothing certain about her condition.

I can’t tell you what God’s will is for you anymore than you can for yourself. I feel for the trials you keep getting put through. It’s a lot for one person in a short period of time. Just know that you’re not alone. People love you more than you know on this forum and on streams. Each of these people appreciates your presence, and all of us would be upset if you went back to your old ways and devastated if you were no longer with us.

Your peace will you come when you least expect it. My peace came in stages when I quit fighting the direction my life was going and let God take me where I needed to be. There were no choir of angels moments, there were just realizations that things were better than they had been some time ago. You’ve come a long way in the past few years. Ask yourself, and be honest and objective, are YOU better than you were those few years ago? Maybe your circumstances are worse, and the world certainly in a worse state, but how much better is Kayla? How would the old Kayla fare in these tough times?

“Grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference.” From what I know of your presence here, you may not want to hear it, but you can’t fight what you can’t control, and you need to find a way to make peace with it. Pray. Ask for help and support. Cry and yell until you can’t anymore. What is going on with your dogs and your Nan are terrible things, but you can’t change them, which also means you can’t reject them and you can’t make them go away. You need to make peace with it somehow.

I recently read a great post about gratitude during the seemingly impossible. Read through it, and really listen to what the author is saying. She’s genuinely grateful for the good things and people in her life when so much seems disastrous and out of control. I found it inspiring.

Hold fast. Come here to rant and lean on us. Go vent in streams in real time. Pray for peace, and give thanks for the good that you have, because as long as you are alive the Lord is providing.

[Micro]

Dear Kayla, I am so sorry again for all the bad news that just seem to keep piling up at the same time. It’s not fair to deal with such amount of stress and uncertainty when your heart is already feeling intense waves of grief. It’s like leading many battles at once when you just want a second to breathe.

When it feels like your world collapsed already because you lost someone who was so important to you, the fear of losing anyone else is terrible. I hope, with all my heart, that doctors will soon identify what your nan is struggling with, also that you’ll be able to support her through this. I think of your furbabies as well and hope you’ll have the possibility to spend some time with them soon even if we’re still in a time that makes travels and meetings difficult. Distance can increase this feeling of having no control over anything, so I hope some kind of connection with them can happen and bring a bit of peace to your heart.

You know there is a huge amount of love for you in this community. You are such a good friend to so many, and the least we can do is to support you as well during those difficult times. People who have the chance to know you and do life with you only want you to be safe and to hold on, as much as possible, even when the future is scary and unknown. You deserve to make healthy and safe decisions for yourself. You’ve prove to yourself that you are able to stay safe, even during your darkest times, and even when life was extremely painful. I believe in you and your capacity to keep making good decisions.

PS - Following the share of music, I’m used to enjoy the following one of Eric when i feel like life is crushing me with too many obstacles at once. Also when I feel like there is no one else to look up to anymore. It brings a bit of peace, and I hope it can be the same for you today, even if it’s not much.

You are so loved and cared for, Kayla.

Eric Champlin – Where You Begin (feat. Mikayla Jackson) (Lyric Video)

[Eric]

@Micro Dude thanks so much for the shoutout and I’m so happy to hear this song helps you a little bit