Another trigger are things that remind me of my past failures. I know I should forget them, and move on. I have, I am trying to, but I keep on seeing my past come back to haunt me
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Itās really good to identify your personal triggers, @Slayer5639. What do you think about adding them to your safety plan? I believe it would be good to keep track of these realizations, and your safety plan could be a good space to keep note of it (in the first part ā āWarning Signsā).
Another trigger are things that remind me of my past failures. I know I should forget them, and move on.
It would be great to have the ability to just forget things that are uncomfortable to us, but it just doesnāt work that way. It may not be about moving on and ignoring what happened, but actually acknowledging it and learning to be at peace with the fact that your mistakes are part of your life story. But also, that your past donāt define who you are or who you are going to be. You get to learn from the lessons of the past. You get to outgrow from your mistakes. Guilt is a healthy and powerful tool, but shame will only lead you to feel worthless, or to quote your words, like youād be a āmonsterā. You are not a monster. Youāre not a bad person. We all make mistakes, and you are absolutely capable of learning from them.
Would you like to share what this is about? What are your past failures? A very first step to break down the shame attached to it is to talk about it. This is a safe and non-judgmental space to share what haunts you, always. 
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Past addictions, making fun of people for no reason, lying, stealing, and more that I donāt recall, and things I donāt want to remember
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Thank you for sharing some of these. I completely see how this can be a huge burden to carry on your shoulders. Regrets consume us quietly but so vividly at the same time.
Today, youāre not the same person though. You see and acknowledge why doing those things was wrong, especially if it involved others. As far as I know, now you donāt do those things anymore. So in your words, what makes you different today? What is the actual progress and growth that you could take some time to acknowledge there? There is so much more beauty and strength in you than you credit yourself for, friend.
On a different note, what were the circumstances in your life at the moment? I can imagine that you were in pain, as most of the time whether we hurt ourselves or others, it stems from a source of hurt. These circumstances are important to acknowledge. Without it, you would lean into the belief that you are the problem while really, youāre only human, like all of us.
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Because I see the wrongness of my actions and I want to be a better person than I was before. I am doing my best to think before I speak.
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See, that is huge! It is 100% the manifestation of the fact that you learn from these experiences. Itās part of your life story but you also build healing and resilience. Itās not as if these experiences were conditioning who you are or who youāre going to be. That is how beautiful you are. This fierce strength and resilience within. Learning, growing, changing, that is also part of your story ā not just what belongs to your past.
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I feel like the wolves of fear, doubt, anger, pain are hunting me down, stalking me, wait to pounce and take me. Iām afraid. I donāt know how I can hold them off when I am broken, damaged, weak and weary. I contacted the hotline and I felt better, but I want a lasting solution. Iām running out of ideas.
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hi there, have you considered writing a letter to your parents to express what youāve been going through?
iām so sorry that youāre hurting, friend. you matter to us!
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I did it already, but Iām afraid that it will be taken the wrong way. I just feel like the vibrant life I used to have is turning dull and gray. Itās been over a week since I had a relapse, but I donāt feel proud of myself. I hear people saying that they have been clean for 90 days and it just reminds me of how pathetic my attempts to be self harm free are.
Every 90 days started with a week 
A week is a good start!
iām hoping they read it and respond well to it. Let us know how it goes!
Weāre here for you!
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I donāt know how to give it to them. I want to tell them, but I donāt want to scare them.
I already told them part of what has been going on, I think that it is time that I tell them what also has been going on with me. I think I will give it to my mother, and hope and pray for the best
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There are times when I have wondered what I would do if I lost a limb or was physically damaged. Sometimes I feel I would be better off that way than being whole on the outside and damaged on the inside. I just want to help others, but sometimes it hurts. Iāve been through things that no one should have to experience. I donāt want people to go through them. Iām afraid that if one of the people I help commits suicide, I might do the same thing they did, or I would try even harder to help others in that situation. Either way, it would destroy me. How do you come back from the brink of darkness?
From all your words I am left with something very encouraging and that is, someone who is on the edge of darkness, as you describe it, is clear-headed enough to continue to help others even if it hurts or they are afraid of the repercussions of their help. Some people give too much of themselves. It is very difficult to balance the scale. So sometimes, to get back into equilibrium, you need to step back and think about yourself. And to do this not from someone elseās perspective (that of someone physically damaged) but from your own. The physically damaged person might also have the same kind of thinking, thinking that being mentally diseased is better, and he or she might also be wrong. We each have our own tools to get better. I am sure you have plenty to help yourself and, when you are a little better, others. Your experience in the process will be a great help to all of us. All the best, S
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I know how this is going to sound, but Iām going to wait for two more weeks before I take action. Two weeks ago me and my parents talked about what has been going on. They said that they would be looking for a therapist for me. Still no therapist. I plan on waiting two weeks before I take matters into my own hands. I fear that I might attempt something or try to, but if I do, I plan on calling 911 or 988. Iām afraid that Iām holding on by the last strand.
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Slayer, sometimes it takes a little while to find a therapist. I think if you ask your parents to let you know what is going on with finding one, you would feel better. Itās totally ok to ask about it.
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Iām I know. Iām just getting tired of waiting.
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I can totally relate. Iāve waited for a long time for my new therapist who I see tomorrow finally. It does take time for insurance stuff, evaluations and then waiting to be placed with a therapist. Itās a process and itās frustrating and I know you are in great need of this, but just hang in there ok? It will happen, just talk to your parents about it and Iām sure once you know what is going on, you will probably feel a lot better.
You got this, friend
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waiting is hard, especially when it comes to things like this.
It took me 3 times to find the right therapist. when you are there and it is working, you will early feel
safe and let all out whats on your mind. the process for the therapy was hard, not knowing for sure
if it works and stuff like that. but it is worth the effort.
you can do this, you are strong. you matter my friend. we are here for you.
have a nice day and feel hugged,
Greetings
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