Hi everyone. Sorry I’ve been posting so much but life is getting pretty overwhelming right now.
I needed a place to get this all out of my head. My ulcers are getting bad and my husband asked me what I thought the issue was - food, stress, etc. I figured it was probably stress and it got me thinking about what all is stressing me… and it’s a decent sized list. So here we go (no particular order, they all stress me out, none of these things are minor to me):
Money
1a) Inflation - I’m sure this doesn’t require explanation. Food cost for us has gone from $600 a month including less needed stuff like chocolate to now $1200 a month for just necessities, including the $300 a month we spend on baby formula when we can find it.
1b) Utility bills - bills have doubled in the past couple of months despite taking measures to use less electricity. My usual electric bill was around $100, but now it’s almost $200 and we keep the lights off all day.
1c) Housing market - Since we bought our house, it has appreciated in value by $50,000 which of course increases our property taxes which increases our monthly payments because we had to open an escrow account. Needless to say our budget is getting pretty tight with all of these price increases.
Baby formula - I’m sure we have all heard about the formula catastrophe in the US right now. We scramble to keep Kiera fed. At the same time, we still struggle at finding a formula that she will keep down due to her diagnosis of Noonan Syndrome. We have switched to Similacs Alumentum which is their most hypoallergenic formula and we’re not entirely sure it’s helping much
Kiera - Noonans aside, Kiera has had a really bad morning this morning. She had a little bit of blood at her g-tube site and she threw up her entire morning feed over 2 bouts of vomiting. She threw up a little bit again when I gave her just enough formula to give her some Tylenol. If she can’t keep formula down when I try to refeed her morning formula, I’m taking her to the doctor.
My husband’s wellbeing - My husband is still very stressed about his job. I won’t go into it but suffice it to say it has been causing his a great deal of distress and he is expressing an interest in anger management and starting to experience his self harming tendencies (He has Aspergers and when he’s really stressed out he will hit himself. He has never been this stressed since I met him almost 10 years ago.) And I feel bad because money. We can’t lose our house. We need to Keep Kiera save and healthy. Oh. Also Monday is his dad’s 1st birthday since he passed and my husband is already dreading it.
My health - I’ve been experiencing muscle cramps which likely means my potassium is low which is bad but I haven’t gotten around to calling my doctor yet. Been too busy tending to Kiera this morning. My ulcers are flaring. I’m dehydrated. I’m still struggling with my eating (I’ve had issues with food in the past. I’ve had times where I exhibited signs of anorexia and obsessive exercising and on the other end of the spectrum I sometimes have problems with binging also.). I am either losing weight too fast or gaining weight. I can’t find the motivation to take a shower until my hair starts getting greasy because there are other thing that need done and I am starting to not care anymore. Same with other forms of self care.
Family issues - Don’t even get me started
These are the most pressing things. I’m sure I’m forgetting something.
Hey Sapphire, thank you for sharing this. You are dealing with so, so much, and you’re absolutely right that none of it is minor. It’s completely okay for you to post as much as you want to. No apologies are necessary, I hope it’s helping you in some small way to get it all out.
This is such an intensely overwhelming list of stressors, my heart goes out to you right now. I’m so sorry you’re going through all of this. What can I say? I think the best I can do is let you know that I see you, I’m hearing you and I am sending all of my love.
To be able to keep moving forward through it all shows that you possess such humongous inner strength. Whether it feels like it or not, I think you have a lot to be proud of. It sounds like you’re fighting tooth and nail, doing the best that is possible in spite of truly awful circumstances. I know that focusing on yourself right now probably feels like it’s not even the 10th priority. I want to implore you to give yourself the gift of whatever level of self-care you feel you can. You deserve it, and cumulatively it can help in small but significant ways. With stress being at the forefront of your life right now, anything you do to soothe you even a little is a great success. Maybe with time this mountain can be moved, even if we start by moving one pebble at a time.
I feel for you so much Sapphire, I hope these dark times will brighten soon. Please let us know how the appointment goes, if you’d like to, and share whatever else you’d like. As much or as little as feels right. You’ll be in my thoughts, hold on friend.
The doctor thinks Kiera has a stomach flu because she has no signs on infection in her body. Her fever did finally break late last night. We are keeping her on Pedialite for a couple days as she has been able to keep it down. The doctor said in spite of her illness she looks good and I did well keeping her hydrated while she was vomiting.
Ahh, some slight relief. Thank you for sharing this! You’re doing a wonderful job taking care of her and it’s helping. Please keep us posted, I’ll be happy to celebrate your victories with you and offer all the support I can.
Thanks. I need it. I talked to my husband about all this yesterday. There’s really nothing about our situation that can be changed right now.
I recently got a raise at work which kicks in on my next check. It’s not a lot but it’s something. My husband should be getting a raise in August… but I feel bad because as much as we need the money he is really miserable. He knows this bothers me but he does it for Kiera so I don’t push matters.
I think we’re just both going to have to suffer through this. I work in technology and make a pretty decent salary and it just kills me that I put myself back through school and changed career paths at 30 to make my family’s life easier than mine was growing up and now here I am once again having just barely enough to get by.
Sorry to be such a downer. I know it can always get worse and I don’t want to come across as selfish.
It’s awful and scary that all you can do right now is survive through it. I feel for you Sapphire, I’m sending lots of love.
Congratulations on the raise! I know that in the scheme of things that’s a little thing, but I still think it’s a win worth being happy about. I’m sorry your husband is having such a terrible time at work too, it’s hard to act it out every day but also hard for you to watch. It’s a sign of his character that he’ll do it for his family, but I also hope that once there’s room to breathe he’ll start looking for other options.
It’s a terrible thing that life is so hard when you’ve done so much to make it easier. It just feels unfair. I really hope that with some time things will get better. It can’t stay this hard forever.
Hey, you’re not being a downer at all. You’re sharing what’s on your mind and that is the exact right thing to do. It’s got to help just a smidgen, and that’s a very good thing.
I finally took a shower and brushed my teeth. I upped the amount of my stomach medicine that I’m taking.
Our original plan that we still want to stick to ultimately, is that once we pay off the house he will stop working and be a stay at home dad. But as long as property values keep increasing that’s going to be harder and harder to do. When we originally bought the house and before all of this inflation, we would’ve been able to pay off the house in 10 years. Now it’s going to take much longer than that. But ultimately, yes, the plan is that after we pay off the house he will no longer work because just our mortgage payment is the equivalent to a full time income.
I love this, that’s a big win! I hope you feel good about it, it takes such a serious amount of willpower to get those things done in times like this.
It’s really great that you already have a plan for this. This sort of thing strikes me as a war of attrition. I know it’s so damn hard to keep fighting, but goodness, it just can’t stay like this forever. Until then, every day, hour, minute that you hold on for is another victory and so is every act of self-care and love.
As always, keep us posted. We’ve got your back, in our own way! Sending love to you and your family.
I think I can honestly say doing this didn’t help. While my anxiety isn’t as immediate, it still looms and I can feel my depression getting worse and worse. And poor Kiera got her 4 month shots yesterday and has had a fever since shortly after she got them. It was 101 this morning but we managed to get it down to 99.7 with Tylenol.
Hey Sapphire, thank you for keeping us updated! I’m sorry this hasn’t put much of a dent in your worries, I can only imagine that the stress you’re feeling is still very heavy. I don’t think that any one thing can make this entirely better but if posting these messages gives you just a second to breathe, makes things the tiniest bit better for just a few moments, then I hope you’ll keep doing it. You deserve those moments, and in survival mode every little bit counts.
You mention your depression worsening and I want you to know that even though there’s so much happening for you and your family right now, it is completely and totally okay to make sure you’re also being taken care of. I know it’s just one more thing on top of so many others, but would you feel comfortable telling a doctor about that? It may seem like that would be just another expense, yet another thing you have to keep track of, but it could also go a long way to making the rest of this more manageable. I think the benefits could outweigh the costs.
I’m so sorry Kiera is having a reaction to the shots! Poor baby, I hope it will pass soon. I’m sure you’ve already done a lot to figure out how you can help so I won’t just repeat the obvious things. I just hope you’re all doing okay, I know it’ll be a relief when this part is over.
Also, this:
Thank you for being you.
Is the nicest thing ever. Thank you for saying that. I’ll be here, please keep your messages coming when you feel the urge to share.
Kiera has had a 100-101 fever all day with very short intervals in the 99 range. She did seem to be feeling a little better when I put her to bed tonight.
My husband just picked up a ton of work so I won’t see him most days now, neither will Kiera and I’ll effectively be a single parent watching her and working… so thats going to be a lot to handle.
It just keeps getting worse.
And I really just don’t care about me right now. I don’t have time to care anymore. I have a doctors appointment in a few weeks so we’ll see what happens.
The poor thing, I’m so glad she seemed like she was feeling better tonight. I know it’s got to be so hard to watch and cope with. You’re all doing your best right now, and you’re doing so great. Hang in there.
Oh gosh. Fixing one problem makes new ones sprout up. I’m so sorry you’re in this position. You say you don’t care about you right now, that you don’t have the time, but now is the most important time to give yourself some care. It will help you survive. Just taking a few moments to breathe now and then, finding some brief solace, can make a world of difference in a time like this. A lot of it is about the gesture, because when you take care of yourself you’re saying through actions that you deserve it. It’s just so important to remember that you matter. You’re still so worthy of care.
I know how awful and hard things are right now, I can’t detract from that. You’re just doing so well making it through. I hope you’ll stay on your own side and be kind to yourself. I’ll be thinking of you and your family. Keep sharing when it feels right.
I had 2 dreams last night was a consistent tone to them. It doesn’t really matter what the dreams were because dreams are very symbolic.
Anyways, the common thread that linked both is that I felt like I was disappointing or upsetting my husband and in both dreams I was trying to talk to him and he didn’t want to talk to me.
I texted my husband this morning and he seems to be in good spirits and he didn’t say he was mad or anything, he just tried to make me feel better.
So yea… even my dreams are stressing me out. I’m ready for the weekend so I can rest and July since I will get paid 3 times in July and it will help with some immediate money worries.
I think you’re spot on that dreams are symbolic. The sorts of stories they tell about us can reveal what’s really on our minds. Maybe these worries have been present under the surface, and if so then it’s very good to be aware of that.
Have you told your husband about the dreams, or about how you’re feeling? It’s totally healthy and natural to do so, it may be the absolute best way to ensure that he’s aware that you need a little bit more reassurance right now. Especially in hard times like this it can be such an asset when we have that little bit of extra support from a loved one. I’m sure you both make the days immeasurably better for each another.
I hope you’re enjoying some good rest this weekend. Those paychecks will be a big relief! Slowly we whittle away at the mountain, eventually we’ll get there. You’re doing great, keep taking care of yourself when you find the right moments to do so.
I told him about the dreams. He said not to worry because I’m doing a good job with Kiera and budgeting. It just feels like so much all the time. We have made each other aware that we are both suffering from depression right now and so it is hard for both of us to do other than the minimum but we are trying to work through it together.
So far this weekend hasn’t been bad. I was able to relax most of the day Saturday. However Kiera started throwing up more (it’s common with Noonan Syndrome) and her tube site is bruised from her pulling on it. I swapped out her tube for a new one and the old one was gross looking, I’m wondering if it being a little loose led to bacteria getting on it and making her sick. My husband is going to call her GI doctor Monday just in case, but I’m hoping the new tube helps.
I’m glad you shared that with him. You’re both going through such hard times right now, it’s a really great thing for you both that you’re able to share these things. I know that sometimes these thoughts and feelings can linger, so don’t ever feel bad if you want to vent about anything like that here.
It’s definitely hard to do what you’re doing right now, such a long and difficult fight. It’s so good to hear you got some relaxation time in on Saturday! You deserve it so much. I’m going to to remind you every time I reply to keep taking care of yourself with whatever moments you can, just because I know it helps so much. A couple of minutes every now and then can help keep you going, it’s important to treat yourself well. There’s so much on your plate but you’re strong. This won’t last forever, I know you can make it through.
Keira’s doing so well too! I know it can’t be easy for her either, but she keeps on going just like her mum and dad. I’m sorry to hear she’s been sick, I know all of this is so stressful. My fingers are crossed that she’ll feel better soon. Keep us updated, we are rooting for you!
I dunno guys… I don’t know if I’m cut out for this. I couldn’t manage to feed myself dinner tonight. I didn’t have time. I can’t ever seem to find time to take showers or brush my teeth. I’m getting more and more depressed and I’m having an anxiety attack now. My husband will almost never be home starting this week and it’s just too much.
