Well done for crying, friend. Well done for letting these emotions out. Well done for allowing yourself to feel it all, and on top of it for expressing how this experience is for you. What you’ve done here, through this comment and through this grief that you are naming, is so important, so fundamental. You are a person, and every human being on this earth has emotions - which should never be shamed or repressed. You are allowed to feel - to be human. Life is hard enough as it is, and it is okay to give yourself the time and space you need to free yourself from these lies that you were told as you grew up.
the myth of “manning up” and not showing emotions is so hard to live with. I can relate to you to some extent as in my own family, while growing up, showing emotions was just taboo. Internally I knew I could not go to my parents to tell them when I’m not okay. If I had to cry, I would do it in my room and try to be as silent as possible - because the fear of being caught and grounded for it was huge. As a result, I have spent most of my childhood and adult life not understanding my emotions most of the time, and enduring them rather than owing them. It’s awful when you grow up in a place where emotions are not told, where you are supposed to keep up appearances. It creates habits that are difficult to understand, deconstruct and reverse over time. And it is just such a lonely place to be. Feeling these things inside that are so deep, yet feeling at the same time that it is utterly wrong to feel that way. It is as if it was forbidden to even be human in the first place, which is so unfair. It’s such an injustice.
My heart goes out to you as you explore your emotions and learn to experience that feeling is not a bad thing. That you can cry and be safe at the same time. That your tears are not the reflection of your character - but of your own humanity. Feelings are never something to debate or to be called wrong. It just is.
It is absolutely powerful that you’ve named these experiences and lies that were told to you. I feel with you the inner conflict it creates, and how much un-safety it somehow triggers within. It’s like your heart leans towards a direction, but your mind has learned different ways and is opposed to it. But through your post here, you also share how much you know intuitively that what was told to you in the past was wrong. It is the shaming and guilt-trip put on you that was wrong. Never how you felt, never you for being you.
For what it’s worth from a stranger, I’m so very proud of you for letting the tears be. You are experiencing a kind of grief that is deeply heartbreaking. At the same time, you are also moving on a path that will provide healing and restoration to your heart. It may have been in need of it for a long time, and you deserve to give yourself all the care, patience and attention you need - and always needed. Sending hugs your way, friend. <3