Hello people, I just wany to send a little post because I’ve been hurting pretty bad lately.
For background, I’ve had severe interpersonal conflict with a coworker (volunteer work in a youth-led organization – we’re both on the board), in which I believe that he acted inappropriately. The incident started a little over two months ago. Most of the board is in favor of his removal given his conduct, and he still hasn’t taken responsibility for his actions (though he’s started to be more cooperative over the last few days). More context here: Little Upset -- Volunteerism, Interpersonal Issues, and Mistakes [TW: Threats of Suicide]
Anyhow, on Monday I finally mustered the courage to formally ask for his resignation, which he declined to provide (as expected). He requested that I consult a few other individuals before moving forward with calling a special board meeting to vote on his removal. So now I’m in that waiting period with a few meetings scheduled (with the people that he asked me to consult) before I proceed.
Waiting is really hurting though. Like it feels like I’ve already been waiting over two months before taking this action and what has it gotten me? Two months of pain with no benefit.
Honestly, I’m just so emotionally tired from this. For most of the last two months, I’ve spent hours crying about this in any given week and often get so upset that I’m unable to concentrate on anything. It often gets to a point where my whole body starts hurting (albeit mildly) and I’ve gotten a lot of headaches. I really have only been happy in rare and brief patches – generally feeling indifferent and tired at best, and just in (emotional) pain at worst. I just want an end to this incident (my resignation, the other person’s removal, or some reason to believe that the other person has learned from this and won’t act this way in the future), and that resolution keeps getting extended and extended and extended whenever there’s an end in sight.
It just hurts that I joined and have dedicated over a thousand hours to the organization with the goal of helping to serve underprivileged students (and have seen the impact that we can have on students – what we do is awesome!) and have truly just gotten emotionally f*cked for it.
Anyhow, as always, thanks for reading such a long post (I always intend to write just a paragraph or two on this board and then end up a tad longer than expected).
Sweet fish!
Thank you for sharing this update with us, ughhh I’m so frustrated for you. I know in the previous post it was mentioned that you had exhausted all the channels in terms of escalating it up.
Is there a reason they seem to be dragging this process out? I find it very confusing since you had mentioned most of the board were for the consideration of removal! Again I am frustrated for you. Companies in general need to get better at handling these matters. So much advocating for fair work rights in terms of work place harassment and bullying, but so little to intervene and de-escalate.
Has he said anything towards you since? I recall you mentioned saving emails and writing down the events that took place.
Have you got a plan in place for the outcomes that may occur? E.g if he stays or leaves.
It’s exhausting and burdening how much physical and emotional pain these kinds of things can force upon us. I know it might feel so much like you’re not doing the right thing or it’s not worth the fight, but a lot of times that’s how the other guys win. It’s so much pressure and it’s so exhausting that it’s easy to want to walk away.
I don’t wish this pain or emotional distress upon you or any one, nor do I like the thought of this person getting away with the things that caused all this in the first place.
You’ve done so much good, and I know you’ve made a huge impact in those student’s lives.
I do hope things start processing a bit faster for you and that you can have some time to rest in between.
Regarding your question, it’s a bit complex given our organizational structure. Because both the other person involved and I are on the board and we have an all-volunteer working board model (means that board members are also volunteers who lead operations), we are both basically at the “top of the food chain”.
With that said, the board is aware of this conflict (nearly all messages that he sent throughout the conflict have been addressed to the whole board). The key issue is that he honestly does add a lot of value to the organization and will be extremely hard to replace, which makes it very hard to take action against him (and he’s our registered agent and is on a lot of our paperwork so it’s a legal challenge to remove him). With that said, most of the board still is in favor of his removal if it comes to vote so it seems like many people are waiting for me to bring it to a vote (which the other person in the conflict essentially requested that I wait another week before initiating, which I’m willing to do as a courtesy, even if it does hurt).
With all that said, thank you again for the reply. It’s highly appreciated! <3
Hi Bimini, as always, thank you so much for the thoughtful reply. I really appreciate it! <3
Honestly, this delay is somewhat on me to an extent. I was waiting until last week to take action because the other person in the conflict was at college and we (the board) felt that it’s safer for us to take action once he’s back home with his parents, given his prior consideration and threats of suicide (and we’ve been updating his parents before any action, such as my request for his resignation).
That said, given my position on the board and proximity to the incident, the board expects me to be the one to call for a special board meeting to propose formal reprimand of some kind or his removal (which is understandable – we’re a youth-majority board and I don’t think anyone wants to get more tangled up in this conflict than they need to get).
Unless someone convinces me otherwise, or I see signs suggesting that that person has learned from this and won’t act in this way in the future, I’m planning to call the special board meeting after meeting with those people that he asked me to contact (so roughly in the middle of next week). However, for any special board meeting proposing the removal of a board officer, 20 day notice is required (per our bylaws) so there’s still going to be a pretty significant wait once I call for the meeting.
Thanks for asking! I won’t put them here in detail, but the short version is yes. If he does leave, I’ve already notified the board that I plan to leave in 3-4 months regardless (just because I’m pretty tired from the day-to-day already and the incident put how much I’m willing to dedicate to volunteer work in perspective). If he is not voted off, I’ll stay for the same length of time, unless he starts causing issues again, in which case I’ll be resigning immediately without attempting to remove him (if I try once and fail, that’s going to be my limit).
Thank you so much, once more, for your reply. I want to end by mentioning that this (above quote) really resonated for me and is much appreciated. <3
Oh dear, that’s such a sickening feeling when that happens and people use it as a form of manipulation. If it’s serious you feel sick if you don’t do anything. I guess in the case of someone making those kinds of considerations and threats, it’s safest to provide the right services and let them have them at their disposal. You have definitely taken the right actions there. It’s not easy!
Also glad his parents are aware of that side of things.
Oh I see, it’s still a stressful time having to wait for the outcome. Sometimes the tension tends to build up in the mean time, so I hope it doesn’t get too tense for you.
It’s a big decision and I’m sure not one easy to make or one taken lightly. They have a lot to consider too, it’s not easy being responsible for the safety of everyone working together, but it’s so important. I believe in these extreme cases in a no leniency kind of structure. If that means removal or other appropriate repercussions (leave without pay ect), then I hope it’s a lesson that can be learned by the offending party.
We recently have someone at work advocating for us as we have been pushing for our rights according to the EBA, and after such a long time and a seemingly hopeless battle, things are changing. Things can change if we choose to speak up and apply some pressure. I think a lot of the time people at the top except that people will just give up and not escalate things. Every battle whether won or not is still worth it.
(Sorry if it sounds like I’m story topping, I just have another example where applying the pressure worked for the greater good)- another example was while I was working in a place where the boss underpaid us and often got verbal. Enough was enough, as a casual employee, I did not owe two weeks notice, so I took the opportunity to discuss with the rest of the class (Im leaving this because it made me laugh when I re-read. But I meant employees/staff) what I was going to say and quit. Everyone else followed suit within a month and the business closed.
Not that I’m glad they closed, but I’m proud of people who choose to try to make the change to better work place environment.
Even if it’s not the outcome you expect, your actions could cause an effect you may not know. Really proud of you
Thank you again Bimini, I really appreciate all your messages and am glad to hear that you’ve had success standing up for yourself in the past – that’s awesome!
For a little update, I’m feeling a lot better about the situation today. Yesterday, I had a chance to pretty directly address his actions with him and he essentially took responsibility and mentioned a couple steps that he’d take to avoid similar actions in the future.
I still don’t like the sense that he seems a little bit “above the law” if I decide to move forward without calling a vote on his removal (haven’t decided on this yet), as pretty much anyone else in the organization would have been removed for that conduct, but I also see merit in the fact that he is taking responsibility and is trying to ensure that it doesn’t happen again in the future. There also are alternatives to full removal but given that he’s a volunteer, the main option would be something along the lines of loss of his title. Obviously, nothing he can do will take back his actions, but that does give me hope for an amicable future.
With all that said, thank you again for the support and detailed responses! I’ll probably send another update out to HS within a few weeks (hopefully in the “Progress” category and not “Support” though ).
Hello there Tuna! It’s been a while since this was created, has there been a board meeting yet? If not, I hope he gets forced to resign. The different hurtful things that this person has said, especially towards you, weren’t good things. They should most definitely be punished for they’re actions. If they are unable to leave the organization, I feel as if, and if you are comfortable with it, to resign. It might not be the best idea, but it’s one that will work. There are way more organizations that are out there. Way more thst are like yours. I do know what it is, but I shall not say as it might dox you, but, whatever you do, they will all respect it.
It’s my pleasure, also, I’m sorry for causing you mental pain with Ari and river last month. It would’ve never happened if I just hadn’t started talking to you. It is my fault that it had happened, not yours.
That’s not your fault and we can move to private messages if you’d like to discuss that further. In short, it was an unfortunate situation that was largely a miscommunication at its core. You weren’t even involved in this miscommunication and aren’t to blame. I hope you, Ari, and river are all doing okay (or at least a bit better) now.
).