Things have gotten bad lately. Between the on-going pandemic, the political war, surviving work, and trying to make things work at home, I’m frustrated, exhausted and I feel out of place.
I feel too angry about things I have no control over. I’d been bullied since I was 5 years old, and after a certain point I kept fighting back. However, now anything that stands in my way, like this on-going pandemic, the political war, and asshole drivers in traffic, piss me off like I’m fighting a bully head on. I want to go off and scream at these assholes. I want to beat the shit out of them so they never fuck with me again. Rage has become my defense mechanism. I’m normally a very nice person, but I just can’t deal with this world right now. The people I care about, and care about me, are angry at me because I get so upset. That’s why I wish I didn’t exist anymore. I’ve survived this long and I’m going to witness the end of the world. I’m too angry to be of use to anyone anymore. I work every day as best I can, but aside from that I’m mad at the world. I keep wishing I could kill the people responsible for perpetuating systemic injustices, keeping us reliant on fossil fuels, perpetuating lies about the democratic process, saying that vaccines don’t work and making the fucking pandemic drag on indefinitely. I want to kill them all. I have neither the means or the training to do so. I can’t hire a hitman to take these people out. I just don’t have it in me to be complacent about this shit anymore like everyone else. Ive been bullied most of my life and I’m tired of it. I want to fight back, physically. I want to hurt people who hurt me and the people I care about, but I can’t do that. There is no place for me in this world, except behind bars or in a padded cell. I’m sorry. I don’t have any chill anymore. I hate this world and what its become because of ignorant fucks. I don’t know what to do. My therapist is trying but I’m not sure she understands completely. I hate myself, and this world.
Hey @cmscalvert,
Your anger is understandable. First regarding your own story - bullying is a traumatic experience that has a lasting impact on many of us, and you didn’t deserve any of it. But also regarding the state of our world - you are right, many things are really messed up out there and the news constantly remind us of them. It’s objectively heavy. It’s a lot of things we cannot control yet that we have to grieve somehow. Helplessness can be felt when so many things are overwhelming us. And anger can arise when we feel this deep injustice directly in our core.
I get it. For what it’s worth. I’m not violent either and I don’t struggle with violent thoughts as the ones you’ve described. But I get the anger. This primal scream from your soul that just wants to shout at the entire world: it’s not fair! It’s strong. Deep. Intense. Being left alone with this feeling can be heavy. So I’m really glad you’ve decided to talk about it here, but also to work on it with your therapist as it seems. She may not understand completely, but it’s still an ongoing process and you are giving her the keys to understand while you keep meeting her. It’s healthy and something good to do for yourself.
You concluded your post with:
I hate myself, and this world.
and to me that makes perfect sense. you feel this deep anger and feeling and injustice that needs to be expressed somewhere, somehow. So whether you want to turn it against yourself or others. But you know it wouldn’t lead to something good or fair either. You know hurting yourself or someone else would only bring more injustice somehow. You know responding to violence by violence is not the solution, because you’ve experiendced that already. Still there is these huge emotions, like a heavy bag to carry on your shoulders, and you keep wondering what you’re supposed to do with it.
I don’t have much words of wisdom, but I wanted to say that I hear you, and I understand. Going through traumatic and unfair situations can limit our ability to accept the things we cannot control. Justice appears fundamental yet so far away from us and from this world as a whole. To acknowledge that feels like a second sentence. It hurts and shakes our deepest beliefs.
For what it’s worth, I’ve been trying to create my own sense of justice by trying to living my best life, especially during days when it’s really, really hard. The people who have hurt me will never acknowledge their behavior or be sentenced by any justice. Though they didn’t take my own power to decide what my life is going to be. Somehow, the strongest injustice is to give them a valid reason for what they did before. Yes, you have a place in this world friend. You belong. And you have so much goodness to bring just by being you.
Feeling so deeply and being aware of things that shake you so much can be heavy and feel like a burden. But with the help of your therapist, you can also learn to turn that into a strength that wouldn’t consume you. It can make you someone particularly aware of others feelings. Someone who’d read between the lines what someone who struggles doesn’t want to openly share. Someone caring, intuitive, safe to be with, who’d develop soft skills that would help them to do good around them because you would know how it is to feel injustice in the deepest parts of your heart.
You can turn this anger into a healthy and positive fuel in your life. We may not be able to change the world, but we can have a lasting and positive impact. It’s important to not lose sight of it, even if we tend to look at the big picture sometimes.
Don’t give up on yourself, friend. You are worth so much more than a destructive spiral that others, or this world, would have implemented in your life. 
Hi @cmscalvert
Thank you for sharing your thoughts and concerns with us. Your reasons for being angry are valid I can say that much. It can be maddening to see the awful things that are happening in the world and see the ingnorance and lies that people say just to hide the reality. I have a problem with bottling up emotions including anger. I am sometimes afraid to blow up on people when they anger me because they are not the cause for my anger just the final push. It does not happen often but it does sometimes. I just want to say I know how you feel maybe not fully but at least in some way.
I will give you one peace of advice that helps me sometimes. It does not work fully and I dont want it to fully help because there are things you should be angry about but it helps somewhat. It is a philosophy of Stoicism. A roman emperor Marcus Aurelius was a follower of that philosophy. He was one of the last good emperors and he ruled in a hard time for Rome. He used that philosofy to evercome the challanges he faced. I dont completely agree with the philosophy but some parts of it are useful. Try it out and see if it works for you. I will send a video here explaining it. Dont worry it is short 
Don’t Feel Harmed, And You Haven’t Been | The Philosophy of Marcus Aurelius - YouTube
Thank you for replying. I took a look at the video, but I’m too big hearted, and care too much about everything to be a stoic rock. Everything affects me. Always has, always will. Thanks anyways.
I agree. Me neither 
. I think that suffering and pain are a part of our experience. Sure one could choose not to care about things but i would rather suffer and care about stuff. With that said there is a time and place for it. I think that one can apply stoicism to every day things like annoying people or rude drivers. These things take too much energy from us and we cant do anything about them. Sure it might feel good to cream at them but it will do nothing to help the situacion.
I think what you should do is to separate important things that you really care about deeply about and those that are not as important. Being upset about your familly member getting ill is understandable and considerate. Being upset because a politician said something stupid… well they do that. I think it is a part of their job. The dont get their monthly bonus or something if they dont 
.
Try focusing on the things you can do something about and try cutting big problems into smaller peaces. For example: My home is a mess I can split into: 1 the dishes need washing, 2 the garbage needs to be thrown out, 3 my bed needs tidying. Once you split a big problem into small peaces it will seem more doable. You can even start by doing only one peace of the problem
I would also recomend to try to find some stress and anger relievers. Something like running, painting, reading. It can be anything but i have found that physical activity works the best. Running is good because you dont need to pay for gym or anything like that you just run. But maybe there is something else that works for you. Try to find it.
Thank you for replying.
It’s true, I do feel helpless in this pandemic. I’m not immuno-compromised, and I am fully vaxxed, but I still can’t go out to events or the movies because I don’t trust people to be safe or considerate. I feel like this is the end-times and I’m just sitting here watching everything fall apart. Humanity is showing me, when I go out, how scummy people are, and it’s infuriating. I take everything too seriously because I’ve been lied to, taken advantage of, scammed, swindled, and used, for years. People take advantage of my good nature and because of that, I’m very untrusting. I’m skeptical of most people. I have an overdeveloped justice core, and when people take advantage of others it hurts me deeply, because I can’t fix it or help.
My therapist says that I should concentrate on what I can do, and that people I don’t know’s perception of me doesn’t exist, that it’s my previous experiences inform how I react. That I’m only perceiving them as hostiles, when they drive like assholes, because that’s my perspective. I perceive trumpers and anti-vaxxers as hostiles because I’ve seen them be that way, and I want to beat them up, or put them all in one place, so they can die off together, and so the world can be safe.
My girlfriend is mad at me because I’m mad at the world. I’m sorry she feels that way. It’s never my intention to upset her. She doesn’t feel the same way as I do, because she’s chill about everything. She transcends because those people aren’t part of her life. I’m not as lucky. You’re right. This bag I have is too big. I’ve carried it for over 3 decades. I’m tired, but I can’t be complacent. Too much injustice in this world. The people I care about don’t seem to share my sentiment, or if they do, they are complacent enough about it, that they don’t let it affect them. The assholes who truly slight or attack me, would never get their karmic justice, and that is upsetting, but I can’t have that vengeance and it truly hurts knowing that the scum gets away with it, without being caught.
I’m by nature, and empath, because of my mom. My girlfriend is an ascended empath, since she feels other peoples emotions much stronger than I do. Which may be why she’s angry at me. PMS can amplify that and that’s what I’m dealing with now, as of yesterday.
I’ve been a good friend to my real friends, and they know I want to help them no matter what. I’m usually a shoulder to cry one, an sympathetic ear, and a mediator. That’s already part of who I am.
I’ve also been the responsible one, my entire life. The world says I can’t afford to be irresponsible at any time, because when I let my guard down, bad things happen, always. I’m sick of having to be responsible for everything, and being the only one who sees the interconnectivity of everything around me, and how the systems of the world affect us here on the ground. Nobody else gets that in my life. That’s another reason I’m angry and out of place in this world. I’m tired. I just wish I never existed, so I wouldn’t be carrying this painful burden with no way to get rid of it and find peace. I may be able to do good things, but it’s so much harder than you think.
Thanks again for responding.
My therapist was trying to get me to ignore the bad drivers because she says they’re going to be assholes regardless of how well I drive, or what I drive (tiny white compact, as opposed to any tinted windowed SUV). It hurts me that they get away with shit and stealing on someone, and then don’t get caught. I’ve had it happen to me twice today picking up my girlfriend from work.
The big picture situation about the pandemic has me upset because the morons do whatever they want, with no regard for anyone else, only for their Freedumbs, and they knowingly endanger other people to prove a point. They keep dying, but they still don’t get it. People still follow the death cult, even though their leaders have been vaccinated, they keep pushing against vax mandates and mask mandates that would help people. It hurts me knowing they get to do whatever they want, without realizing what they’re doing is wrong.
As far as chores, I can separate things into smaller pieces. That’s no big deal. It’s dealing with the bigger problems that is harder for me, because they’re out of my control and I can’t handle it.
Ive been told about exercise being a stress reliever, but running is harder for me. I get chest pain or lung freeze ups when I run. I haven’t found anything that I would have time for that makes me truly happy. I honestly think that destroying things without consequence may be the only thing that would make me happy. I’m sorry.
Hey there @cmscalvert
I really resonate with the feeling of injustice that you’re touching on in your post, and as others have said, your anger is completely valid!
For me, I’ve found that disconnecting from those sources of anger can be really helpful. As sad as it might sound, there’s nothing that you, individually, on your own, can do that can change many of these things. And I’d imagine that you already know this and it just deepens the frustration.
Lets say you had your way to be free and do what you wanted. You were told exactly who was causing the ills in the world, and you were given free reign to kill them. To many people, YOU would now be the bad person creating the ills in the world. Would it then be valid for them to do the same to you?
If you look at countries that have gone through violent coups to oust their current dictator, you’ll notice that often times, they’re just replaced by a dictator that is equally as bad as the one in the past. It’s a cycle that continues indefinitely because the problem is being solved the “wrong” way with violence.
This is why it’s important that when we try to fix the ills in the world, that we do it CORRECTLY. Violence only leads to more violence, and this will cycle infinitely until someone stops it. The “solution” to the pandemic is to convince people to take actions that reduce the spread of COVID, not to fight them. The “solution” to any political strife is to convince the other side why your approach is correct, and bring them to your side, not to fight them. This is why the complex systems that make up politics and public health are put in place, to help make sure that things are done correctly.
I would say that if possible, try your best to disconnect yourself from these sources of anger. Don’t check up on the news of the pandemic anymore, at all. If you need to know something, I’m certain a friend will tell you, or you’ll find it anyway on a major news site. Same thing with politics, literally ignore it all. I know that might feel like you’re blinding yourself, but if it’s causing so much anger and strife in your life, is it really something you want to engage with? There will always be countless people on your side engaged in politics, pushing for the same things you are, and they’ll be just fine if you need to step out a bit to focus on what’s more important. Your mental health.
Maybe try to shift your focus onto more parts of your life that are in control. Focus on things you can take action on that directly improve your life and the lives of those around you.
As for asshole drivers… yeah those suck and are pretty unavoidable. The way I see it is I remember times where I was distracted, or where I’ve made dumb mistakes because I missed something. On the outside I’d look like an asshole driver, but if you were sitting in the car with me, you’d hear me profusely apologizing for realizing that I just cut someone off because I was too busy trying to make sure I was in the right lane, and panicking about missing my exit.
Best of luck 
Thanks for responding.
The people I care about have heard my anger for as long as I’ve been alive, and for 18 years over at least. They are mad at me for being mad at the world, and that’s something I can’t change. My parents and sister want me to be on meds, but they take away my personality and make me a drone, and the latest anti-anxiety meds I tried fuck up my brain so I can’t work. I would never weather side effects for weeks to try to make other people happy about not expressing how I feel, which is absolutely furious.
As far as a cycle of violence, yeah, you are correct. Underdeveloped countries with violent coups are replaced other/new dictators who can be worse. There are movements to diplomatically re-instate democracy, but often times, the military supports the asshole dictator, because he lets them lord over people and pays them well. Abusive assholes will always be enablers for other abusive assholes, and ever since trumps rise to power, all the assholes have taken off their masks and become the worst possible version of humanity: ignorant, gun-toting, faux-religious, duplicitous, self-righteous, pro-birthers who have NO regard for any lives other than their own. We have to deal with THAT, while the rest of us are trying to band together to survive their wrath, while waiting until they slowly die off out of ignorance, and hoping there’s no stronger variants that nullify the vaccines. The fact that I can’t stop them, or know anyone else who can, makes me feel hopeless/helpless. Diplomacy is lost of these morons. They will never listen, because they are uneducated and they let their feelings and belief systems determine their actions, rather than diplomacy, science or reason, because there’s a conspiracy about everything with them, and they believe it because that bullshit resonates with them. You can’t teach a rock how to be anything other than a big, dumb rock. It’s supremely frustrating.
Yes, disconnecting from informative media is living blindly, especially in this information age. I do have a source for news that isn’t biased, but the stories they cover aren’t much, but are carefully fact checked (no alternative facts). The info is often right in front of my face. Among the sites I see, either during work or at home, I’m searching for hope, but seeing only pain. My sister is the most involved, and she’s usually up to speed, but she got sick of me asking what’s going on, or what I can do to help besides writing letters to lapsed voters, and actually voting (which I’ve been doing more of in the past decade).
Being uninformed/apathetic/inactive makes me feel powerless, which also deteriorates my mental health. So I’m damned if I do, and damned if I don’t. It sucks.
I’ve tried to find parts of my life that I can control, but honestly, so much of my life is controlled by the expectations of others, even the people I care about and/or take care of. That also sucks.
As for asshole drivers, making dumb mistakes is one thing, purposely passing me and flipping me the bird, or getting aggro on me for not going fast enough, or weaving in and out of traffic because you drive a luxury car, sports car, SUV or Truck, especially any of those with all blacked out windows, is another thing entirely. That shit pisses me off and those people should have their licenses revoked. I drive how I need to to get where I’m going, and I don’t steal on other people to get there.
I’m sure they would say exactly the same thing about you 
. That’s kinda the way these things work. Each side thinks the other is dumb and unable to listen to reason.
In the end it’s important to remember that every single person, no matter what side they’re on, wants the exact same thing. A better world for them, their families, their children. Everyone just disagrees about what “better” is.
When it comes to debates, they say that the true purpose of debate is never to change the mind of the person you’re debating against, it’s to change the mind of those on the fence who are not sure which side is right for them. Debates are for the viewers, not for the opponents. So if you really want to have a larger impact, the goal is to make your side as inviting as possible for those who are on the fence, and doing your best to guide people towards your side. Anger and aggression usually push people away. That’s why calm debate is a really good way to hash out ideas and get to the core of problems!
In the end however, does ANY of that impact your life directly in a large way? Most of politics is a bunch of people arguing over something and absolutely nothing happening. Getting angry about that is like getting angry about whether it’s rainy or sunny. There’s basically nothing you can do to control it, and for the most part life goes on as normal!
I think this is really what I want to focus on here. You have a lot of anger and rage over something that you have very little impact over, and yet it also might not have very much direct impact to you either.
Every single news source is biased 
It might just feel less biased if it’s something you agree with. There’s nothing wrong with something being biased, it’s just a part of the way media, and the people behind it work. For a news source to be unbiased, someone would literally have to have 0 opinion over what they’re writing about. If they didn’t care one bit about what they were writing about, why would they be doing that for a living? You can’t really be informed about something without having bias.
I disagree that disconnecting from media is living blindly. I think it’s actually opening your eyes, and focusing on what is important in life, because you’re dealing with things directly in front of you. Our lives aren’t filled 24/7 with people not vaccinating, not wearing masks, carrying around guns, etc. We don’t live media, we live in the present, exactly where we are. If you want to keep connected, that’s fine, but if you’re willing, I’d highly recommend having a test trial of spending one month not engaging with ANYTHING politics. Uninstall any news apps, change your habits so you come into contact with it as little as possible. Tell your friends what you’re doing, and explain that it’s for your own health.
I can understand this perspective, but I think this is more of recognizing that sacrificing your mental, and physical health over this does no good. Remember the impacts stress has on our health, if you’re constantly in a state of anger and the stress that goes along with that, you are shortening your lifespan, and putting yourself at a larger risk of disease and injury. Is all of that worth it just to be informed that someone somewhere is doing something that doesn’t make sense?
This right here is really important. I think we often underestimate the control we have in our lives. Something to remember is that peoples expectations don’t control us unless we let them. That is a cage we build around ourselves because of our wish to make those around us happy. It doesn’t mean it’s a bad thing, but recognizing that it’s a self built cage also recognizes that we have the power to deconstruct it if we need to!
If you keep focusing on things you can’t control, it’ll obviously feel like most of your life is out of control! Another reason I recommend just trying one month without media! Only spend your time doing things you can control, and you might start to notice all the ways in which you are in control!
Think about your life for a second. If you wanted to, what is literally stopping you from packing all your things up, loading it into your car and just driving in a direction and seeing where you end up? I’d argue that nothing is literally stopping you from doing that, the reason why you don’t do it is because you’ve imposed expectations upon yourself. Again, nothing wrong with doing that, but recognizing that we COULD do it actually shows us how much freedom we have if we actually had to use it. It’s one thing to be locked inside a room, it’s an entirely different feeling to consciously choose to be in there right?
Overall, I think you recognize that these are things out of your control. You can’t control other people. You can’t force them to think the way you do. You can’t force someone to listen to reason. And it’s good that way, because if we could, then wouldn’t they want to force you to see everything from their POV?
The next step is letting go of that, and allowing the world to live that way if they choose to. You can’t fix the world, and it’s not really your job to do that either. Focus on yourself, get your own life in order, and live that happily! Once you’ve got that foundation, then you can take that next step and start to engage with politics, because you’ll be at the top of your game! Focus on the things in your life that have direct impacts to your life. I’d argue that working hard at your job and getting a promotion has a much larger impact on your life than 90% of politics. AND that’s something you can control!
These two saying were life-changing for people I knew who were dealing with anger.
Holding on to anger is like grasping a hot coal with the intent of throwing it at someone else; you are the one who gets burned.
Holding onto anger is like drinking poison and expecting the other person to die.
Having prolonger periods of anger makes it feel like you’re trapped in that way of thinking and that you can’t be chill like your gf or others. You spoke about being bullied when you were younger and having to fight to defend yourself at that age, believing that others/adults can’t help you is a harsh lesson for a child to have to go through. Anger/rage has been your defense for so long that it makes sense to me that it is an emotional reactions to other stressors you are undergoing now, work, pandemic, etc.
I am no expert on it, but maybe having to use anger for so long as the most effective and quick “Lens” through which you see the world, has been amplified., such as being angry at antivaxxers, political persons who share a particular viewpoint you disagree with.
What I’m hearing below this is that you want to be freed to the frustration and that you want to be happy. But because you have not found an outlet that makes you happy, then the next best thing is destruction.
I would advise you keep trying out new hobbies and exercises, until you find something that works for you. You can train your brain off anger, but it takes a lot of work.
Lastly, I’ll refer to my quotes. Walking around with all this anger at worldwide scale events is not useful unless you are working at the same scale to encourage others to change their minds. Being combative will not work in many instances, as it further makes people defensive and cling to their own worldview more.
I’m glad you have a therapist and you’re trying to address it, that is a HUGE deal!
Also, as an empath, do you also feel the good and positive things from persons?
Thank you for replying.
I have heard the 2nd quote more often than not. At this rate, I feel like I am the poison. I don’t mean to hurt the people I care about but it seems that more and more, I seem to be in that boat.
I honestly don’t know how to not feel upset at everything in the world around me, now that I am aware of it. I have seen in this world that the only thing that makes certain people like those morons, behave, is power and fear. If you can scare a dumbass into thinking what you’re doing is right, they’ll follow you. The Q death cult are convinced there’s multiple conspiracies where the wealthy are eating babies for their blood or that the vaccine is a control technique designed to keep people in line…That’s FEAR. That’s how they fucking operate. Right now, I’M SCARED that I will die of covid, even if I’m fully vaxxed and masked, if I go to a concert or a wrestling show, or a movie, because there are those kind of morons who disregard safety protocols when they aren’t being watched or the rules aren’t being enforced. I’ve been to the grocery store, and even though it says “mask required” on the door, there are those who refuse to wear them, including employees! This makes me furious! Why do they get to be so flagrantly irresponsible, and I’m forced to be the one who follows the rules, all the fucking time!? Yes, that’s why I want to beat them into submission, and hurt them so they obey, because fear is all they understand.
As far as feeling any positive energy from other people? I feel it on the surface, but not deep down. Not anymore. I’ve been burned too many times to trust positive things from people I don’t know well enough. I see colleagues in streaming and voice acting post their wins, and I can’t do that, because I’m not at that level yet. I’m mildly happy for them, but I don’t feel truly happy, and that upsets me. I feel like I may never truly be happy again, because I know how much the world sucks, and how we’re affected. Before I was awake, I had no idea what was going on. Now that I know, I’m upset and I can’t be complacent anymore, only worried and angry because I can’t do anything major to help. That hurts so much.
You’re right, each side thinks the other is stubborn. We are armed with facts and science and that holds firm, they are armed with a cultural/racial bias, guns, religion and a core believe system that distrusts scientific data that they didn’t prove themselves, despite the data showing their kind dying because of their disbelief and ignorance, but we’re the bad guys. ok… good call. 
I can never convince people on the fence whose core beliefs are more closely tied with the opposition. The people who are no longer on that side had to learn the hard way, through sickness, death, and pain. My grandmother died because one of those ignorant fucks brought the disease into their home, thinking it wouldn’t affect her. It infected ALL of them. They survived and she did not. This was before the vaccine existed. My grandmother DIED because of their ignorance, so I have a BIG STAKE in how this plays out. I am angry for a good damn reason! The last outstanding friends I used to have back where I grew up became trumpers and and vax hesitant, and I couldn’t convince them, because they believe the conspiracies. Needless to say, for my own sanity, they’re not my friends anymore.
As far as bias in media, yeah, it exists, but it’s less so when a new source presents the facts, expresses their opinion, for or against and STATES that it’s only an opinion, and passes the question to their audience, asking for their take, to think for themselves. That at least is honorable.
As for my day to day life, my girlfriend is on the front lines as a security guard for an ivy league university. A place where masks are required for all, and vaccinations for all employees. The students and visitors aren’t exactly the greatest at following the rules and have to be reminded to mask up, so if she gets sick, then I get sick. I drive her to work and pick her up every day she works. I make sure she doesn’t have to ride the bus with other stupid people, who refused to mask up even when it’s required on the bus. If she gets sick, I get sick. If we get sick, I can’t visit my family anymore because they’re old and immunocompromised. This pandemic affects me greatly.
The things that happen in politics affect me because the DC gun-lobby morons, and paid-for politicians are standing in the way of progress, and trying to enact draconian laws that hold people down, and stifles a woman’s right to choose, democratic processes, and even the FUCKING MAIL! I can’t stand that!. Those are the people I want to hurt; they are the ones who deserve to be in pain, and stricken from their offices.
As for the news, I don’t seek it out, it finds me. It comes as a notification on my phone under google news/headlines (not an app, a google function that can’t be uninstalled). When i’m on twitter interacting with my voice and stream folks, supporting them, I see the headlines in the corner under “what’s trending”, hoping for some good news, and am constantly disappointed and enraged. They only seek to cause pain. If I tried to give up twitter, I couldn’t talk with the people on there. I couldn’t tell people about my next streams. I would lose the progress I worked for. I understand your aim, but that’s asking too much.
My goal to remain informed has caused me stress in the past, but what can I do to fight this world, without violence? Yeah. I’m a fucking stress magnet. I keep wishing for change, or something impossible that doesn’t exist, to try to fight these assholes and bring an end to tyranny, but unless I’m a gonna be a super-hero, or god, or find a highly skilled assassin/spy to help me, that’s not going to happen. I hate this world because I can’t change anything important, and we are slowly but surely losing, every fucking day. I don’t want to be apathetic or complacent. If the pandemic didn’t exist, I might be out there marching. I’d be fighting with cops for my fucking freedom! But this has made things harder for everyone, and now I have too much to lose to fight anyone or anything. I’m fucking trapped.
The expectations of others include my responsibilities as a brother, son, partner, friend and worker. My friends, family and job, have my attention. I can’t leave town because I need to make sure my sweetie is taken care of. She has no other friends in town. The city is a cruel and unforgiving place…so much for the city of brotherly love. When you grow up as a outcast in a town, you remain one. If I went somewhere without telling anyone, people would be concerned. Even if I did tell some people, they’d still worry and ask why I did it. Sure, I have time saved up to take off, but in the pandemic age, travelling, especially alone, is dangerous. My work responsibilities allow me to take some time off, but I still have to come back at some point, and of course I need to give 2 weeks notice for major absences, unless it’s a medical emergency like my kidney stone last december. If the pandemic didn’t exist, I might be doing more. I wouldve wanted to go to hawaii, now I’ll never get to go because it’s full of sick dumb people, and the natives are suffering a drought because of tourists. The nightmare never fucking ends. I hate not being able to control the things that make me suffer, that hold me captive in my own house, town, and life.
Know what I can control? House cleaning. Meal prep. Taking care of my cat. Paying the bills. Streaming on the weekends. That’s it, and the last one gets taken out of my hands when I’m on-call for work, or someone else has plans on a Saturday. I make enough at my job now that I can afford to save more than I have before. Someday I might even buy a new car. The job is tolerable, and isn’t making me suicidal anymore since we got rid of that sadistic asshole of a manager 3 years ago. Our current manager is a good guy who appreciates our hard work, but software support can be frustrating and tedious at times. I try to plan for what I can in my life, to keep things in order, somewhat organized, and not as frustrating as the outside world, but that doesn’t always work, especially when I feel angry at the outside world, inadequate as a friend and partner, and a less than worthy content creator. I’m stuck in a vicious cycle because I hate this world for what it’s done to me, and continues to do to other people. I feel worthless because I don’t measure up to external standards of progress and creativity, and apparently don’t work hard enough to fulfill any goals, when certain things just used to come naturally to me. I’ve lost the spark of life. I’ve been suffocated by pain, and all I’m left with is responsibility and regret because I can’t be what everyone wants me to be, which is a better version of myself. And the people who are supposed to be supporting me, are still judging me for it because they are tired of me complaining, and looking for something that doesn’t exist.
As far as convincing people to my POV, I rarely can, because only some listen to reason. The rest remain stubborn in their ignorance. I quit talking to those morons because I know I’m better off without them. They ceased to evolve, and trusted the big lie and all its conspiracies, out of frustration of political stagnation in the existing system. They showed me the true ugliness of this world and now all I want to do is eradicate it, so yes, I am really fucking angry for a lot of good reasons, and if those people can’t be convinced I have no respect for them anymore. It is IMPOSSIBLE for me to let go of that anger because it is ever-present in what I see and hear, daily.
I don’t want to be wacked out on meds to be chilled out. So that’s why I’m not sure what else I can do.
There are so many assholes destroying the world be live in. Maybe life is cruel, but the planet is still beautiful, so keep living on it. Whenever I feel like the human society is too corrupt for me, I decide to take a little break, wander into a forest, play my flute, catch some fish. You are not one of teh assholes corrupting this world, there is no need to hate yourself.
Keep Holding on 
- Pengyou
Bless you for being able to take a break and redirect your energy. I am not so lucky. My mind won’t let me.
I try not to be one of the assholes of this world, but my anger remains constant.
I wish you much peace moving forward. 
I’m gonna ask what is probably a stupid question.
If you could control your anger, what would you want to replace it?
Gratitude. Motivation. Creativity. Purpose.
do you have people or things that you could associate with those feelings? If the anger levels were lowered, I mean. Gratitude for example… do you have stuff to be grateful for ?
My immediate family is still alive, even though they can be judgemental on me.
My girlfriend still loves me, even though she’s mad at me for being mad at the world.
I still have a house and a car for now. I still have a job.
I have a cat.
I have videogames and I still stream.
That’s all just off the top of my head.
and when you thin of these five things, dont think of all the other stuff in the world, think of each one of them and how you feel.
what feelings do you have?