Welcome to My Brain

HeartSupport Support
1

I have no idea how to start this… I decided to start sharing some of my therapy with u all. Reason 1 because I could use some extra accountability so if you see me missing posts, feel free to track me down and scold me. Reason 2 is just to keep my friends/anyone interested updated, cuz I can’t stand just messaging everyone whatever crazy stuff is in my head and what’s going on in my life multiple times a day. If I put it here then they can choose to get the update or not on their own terms.

With that said, the following series of entries will be copies of my CBT-esque thought records (or similar records/forms/whatever my current therapy exercise is) and as such have 0 filter so trigger warnings: abuse, trauma, self harm, suicide - I will try to keep these updated on each daily entry as I go. This post is gonna be huge since I have a backlog from when I started this type of exercise, just in case anyone wanted to see the recent history of things, but should be shorter from here on out. (Part 2 coming soon)

Without further ado, welcome to my brain…

Situation/Trigger
Getting ready to start the day (this is every day)
Emotions/Feelings/Body Sensations & Intensity
Intimidated 70
Overwhelmed 50
Immediate Thoughts
Too much to do, wish there was more time to rest or have fun. Pressured to get everything done so I can relax in peace but I can never get there. The more I do the more there is to do. Want to feel proud of myself and accomplished, prove that I can do things.

Situation/Trigger
Sorting through therapy documents
Emotions/Feelings/Body Sensations & Intensity
Frustrated 80
Hopeless 50
Immediate Thoughts
Seeing all these documents get more and more simplified feels like a sign I’m not getting it/getting anywhere with it. Getting annoyed having to re-type everything because I can’t fill out PDF files or even copy anything from them. Somehow every business assumes consumers own the software to do this. Half the coping skills are breathing exercises or tense/relax exercises which I can’t do and that’s frustrating because I want to have a number of coping strategies to reach for and I can’t manage the most basic. Breathing exercises just make me out of breath and I can’t wait until it’s over so I can finally get oxygen again, and there’s a lot of body parts I can’t relax because of the muscle spasms. I want to talk about non-standard coping… like just petting the cat or talking to a friend or watching youtube in a healthy way to get past the difficult parts.

Situation/Trigger
Sorting through therapy documents
Emotions/Feelings/Body Sensations & Intensity
Frustrated 70
Inadequate 80
Immediate Thoughts
Everyone talks about working through/processing/fully experiencing emotions to an end point where they simply fade away but since I don’t know how to do that or even what that means it feels like I’m missing some natural mechanism; something is wrong with me. I want to be able to just do it so I can move on but no one seems to be able to explain it fully, as if it’s just some innate ability that I should understand. It’s like I never got the memo on how to be a human right. Feel like giving up on trying if I don’t even have the ability to do this and succeed.

Situation/Trigger
Woke up early
Emotions/Feelings/Body Sensations & Intensity
Anxious
Scared
Immediate Thoughts
Thought about what the day might hold, remembered stressful therapy exercises I’ll have to do. Shower… they take so much energy. Want to go back to sleep so I don’t have to think about it yet but thinking that keeps me awake. Repairing my sewing machine is scary, I don’t know what I’m doing. I wish this cough would go away on it’s own but I doubt it. I have to have a look at my finances. I gotta figure out what to put on the grocery list, I’m out of everything. I want to follow the pain doctors advice but it’s so much stuff to do every night when I’m already tired. I miss the busy serenity of nature; I want to spend time there but I can only get to my back yard. I’m worried about my friends, we’re all going thru some difficult situations. Other people’s art is so amazing, my little craft projects seem pitiful in comparison.

Situation/Trigger
Realized I’ve been avoiding starting my day for hours
Emotions/Feelings/Body Sensations & Intensity
Ashamed 50
Annoyed 60
Anxious 70
Immediate Thoughts
Procrastinating making me more and more stressed because the time to relax at the end of the day is getting shorter. Now I don’t want to even start anything because I doubt I can finish it before I run out of time/energy. Don’t know why it’s so hard to just get up and do something when I know that putting it off just makes it worse every day.

Situation/Trigger
After interrupted meditation to work thru previous emotions
Emotions/Feelings/Body Sensations & Intensity
Numb/Blank/Spacey/Autopilot? Gaze getting stuck on everything and nothing, feel slow-mo. Hard to think/process anything
Immediate Thoughts
Feels like I’ve resorted to instinct mode… autopilot. I can’t think.

Situation/Trigger
Tried to play a game but saves were deleted
Emotions/Feelings/Body Sensations & Intensity
???
Immediate Thoughts
what would u call the feeling when everything is going wrong and like, u get over that mountain of feeling bad and youre just like “oh look another thing blew up in my face, ok next”. like im not upset by it, its just like… im fed up being upset so i just stopped being surprised by shit failing but also i just dont care that it did. “Apathy” feels negative, i dont feel negative. I just feel like i dont want to waste my energy being upset at something that’s not worth my time, but that feels wrong because i probably should care when months of work disappears. Its worrying me that i currently feel the polar opposite of who i usually am.

Situation/Trigger
Trying to support someone in HeartSupport who is not willing to take action
Emotions/Feelings/Body Sensations & Intensity
Powerless 40
Empathetic 60
Annoyed 50
Immediate Thoughts
It’s conflicting because i know how they feel, just giving up on life, too deep to see the light, but at the same time theres nothing I can personally do to make them better. It’s up to them to change things. It’s frustrating that i cant make them see it’s worth trying, but also that theyve come to ask for help and refuse to try out anyones advice. If you didnt want things to get better, why ask for help? But I know it’s not that simple, sometimes u just need to see that anybody cares… but it drives me nuts that people put on the boo-hoo act instead of just saying “hey im lonely, i need someone to connect with”.

Situation/Trigger
Watched series about treating medical issues without medication. Too tired to do anything, going to bed early
Emotions/Feelings/Body Sensations & Intensity
Sleepy 80
Isolated 80
Unmotivated 70
Upper body feels heavy/collapsed, shallow breathing
Immediate Thoughts
Feel like I just need a break from being conscious. There’s too much in my head between everything going on at home, friends and others online struggling and doing nothing about it, complete lack of support in real life, financial issues, everything I’m trying to keep up with learning… and I can’t even get groceries because I have one stupid cough. I just need a break from thinking.

Situation/Trigger
Getting started washing dishes after days of putting it off
Emotions/Feelings/Body Sensations & Intensity
Isolated 60
Demotivated 70
Tense jaw, tight chest/restricting breathing
Immediate Thoughts
Since my last swelling episode, my sleep has been entirely backwards no matter what I do. I want to be awake in the daytime because its more lively and encourages me to be productive, and its the time when I can get help and talk to friends, watch their streams or play games with them, but I prefer being awake in the night because its so nice, quiet and calm – except then it makes itself stressful because I get nothing done. I’ve been trying to fix this sleep pattern for weeks now but being sick and then getting my period are just setting me back even further the more I try so it feels like wasted effort. Even when I can fix it, bam something else slaps me and its backwards again. I don’t think I’ll ever be free of that cycle and it’s a depressing thought.

Situation/Trigger
Friend putting themselves down
Emotions/Feelings/Body Sensations & Intensity
Pressured 85
Worried 70
Judgmental (of self and others) 80
Fed up (with others lack of effort; my efforts going seemingly nowhere in this situation and others) 70
Feeling tense and fidgety, difficulty focusing
Immediate Thoughts
I don’t know why but everyone around me seems to be having major breakdowns and it’s stressing me out, which just makes me feel like a selfish jerk. I wanna be there to support them but I also keep seeing them in the same situations over and over again, not doing anything about it, and then coming to me to help them feel better. I want to make them feel better but if they’re not putting in any effort it’s not going to work, but I feel like a jerk if I just tell them to stop complaining if they’re not going to take action, and at the same time it’s just self-centered of me to be so upset about how their serious problems are inconveniencing me. I can’t handle putting out this much emotional energy and social interaction but I feel like I don’t have a choice other than leaving vulnerable people stranded and alone. How is that any different than just talking to a brick wall though?

7 Likes
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From: j71s8 (Discord)

Hey @anon58690617 I’m reading through your notes here and I really appreciate everything that you are doing here. It is amazing that you are sharing so much with us here. It is so amazing to see someone who is able to be so open and honest. It is so nice to know that there are people who are able to share themselves with us and help us learn things about not only each other, but about ourselves too! You have been able to be of such an inspiration by just posting everything. You are able to give such a good idea about journaling through everything in such a clear, focused, and meaningful manner! This is such a great example of how journaling can be done and allow us to just express our emotions and whats going on, and allow us to learn. Thank you so much for sharing. I have read through this and it is of so much value and worth! You are loved, you matter, and you are cared for greatly!

3 Likes
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From: Micro (Discord)

Hey Doll. Thank you SO MUCH for taking the time to share your very own therapy and journaling practice. Wow. It’s truly impressive and I’m at loss of words to express how much seeing the consistency and precision you put in your journaling is inspiring. This is great, friend. There is something incredibly powerful in monitoring your emotions, your thoughts, identifying your triggers and seeing how it affects your mind and body on a daily basis. It’s a laborious work that requires time and perseverance, but you seem to do it so well. I don’t know if you’ve been used to do it for a long time, but this is going to build such a solid backbone to you in terms of self-awareness, emotions management, coping skills. There is no best way to distance ourselves from our emotions but to put them in words, somewhere physically, so we can see them as they are. Once again, this is truly inspiring! Well done, Doll. Keep it up. <3

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Thank you both ^.^ youre so kind. I just kind of figured… I gotta do it anyway, I dont really have secrets, people can keep me accountable this way, and theres a small chance it might help others to see the struggle and the work and that I’m still pushing forward even with all of this in my head, so they can too.

And you can too <3

4 Likes
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In my last session, my therapist recommended doing this exercise 3x a day + any significant events, since I have been shutting out emotions so long that I wasn’t really noticing them to be able to even do the exercise. Bedtime reflections will be posted the following day, as I do that one while already in bed. Trigger warnings I suppose… Self harm, suicide, abuse.

Situation/Trigger
Called to apply for low-housing
Emotions/Feelings/Body Sensations & Intensity
Like, all of the fear ones? 90
Powerless 60
Victimized 75
clenching jaw, lump in my throat, tight chest, shallow breathing, crying
Immediate Thoughts
Made a post on HeartSupport forum. Terrified of everything going to waste, being stuck in such conditions forever with the below-deep-poverty situation (shows how much they value those who cant work, tada im not worth anything beyond “we’re required to pay u enough to stay alive if you only live in a bedroom and eat rice”). Dreading having to spend hours on buses to get a few blocks, having to lug groceries home, getting stares and yelled at for taking disability seats, having no help when I need it, no help with prepared food on a regular basis. Just sad and alone laying in bed hungry covered in flea bites because I can’t get up.

Situation/Trigger
Bedtime reflection
Emotions/Feelings/Body Sensations & Intensity
Frightened 80
Abandoned 40
Betrayed 60
Pressured 95
Superior/Dismissive? 15
Defeated 50
Very tense jaw, heavy face (tired from emotion), tight shoulders, chest, hands, zoning out/staring, face/headache
Immediate Thoughts
Still thinking about all the consequences and changes that have to happen when i move out, pressure to make all those changes and not screw myself into a corner, on top of all these changes for therapy, trying to keep up with all the doctor things and government things. I still havent washed dishes for days, theres nothing left to eat with. Feeling betrayed and abandoned by my mother for choosing to stay in an abusive relationship for the sake of some financial difficulty instead of taking the consequence to get the both of us to safety. She would rather i live in horrible conditions than have some debt and a healthy home environment. Feeling bad about feeling superior for being the only one putting my foot down about my dads abuse because i know its hard for my mom to see a way out and scary to confront the masses of change that would ensue. Ive had an involuntary smile on my face for hours. It feels like my body is trying to force a trickle of happy chemicals so i dont implode, but also like when everything just goes so wrong u just give up and laugh at it because theres no other option and its kind of hilarious that it could have even gone so badly.

Situation/Trigger
Morning reflection
Emotions/Feelings/Body Sensations & Intensity
Stressed 65
Demotivated 75
Withdrawn 70
Apathetic 80
clenched jaw, headache, minor derealization, controlling my breathing
Immediate Thoughts
Too much to do, never seems to end, blah blah same thing as usual. Feels a bit like im in a fake world? Not wanting to talk to people and put up a front, but also not wanting to talk to them and just keep whining about what im going thru. Im back at the point of just doing whatever because “whys it even matter really in the long run”. Doesnt matter how much i fight against it, still just gotta do what u gotta do so whats the point in feeling anything about it. Still gotta wash the dishes, still gotta pack, still gotta keep going and heading nowhere.

Situation/Trigger
Afternoon reflection
Emotions/Feelings/Body Sensations & Intensity
Numb 40
Indifferent 60
chest is heavy like every breath is more of a sigh, tired
Immediate Thoughts
Not really thinking about anything. Just distracting myself with stuff cuz i cant handle thinking about the current issues.

Situation/Trigger
Bedtime reflection
Emotions/Feelings/Body Sensations & Intensity
Pensive
Worried
tense jaw, shoulders, chest
Immediate Thoughts
Succulent discord has been helping keep my spirits up a bit with their silliness and lighthearted approach to my mistakes. Love how open they are, we agree on a lot. Anxious about tomorrow. Need a shower but the house is a mess and i wont have the energy to take care of both, so i get to be ashamed when christina comes over no matter what i pick.

Situation/Trigger
Morning reflection
Emotions/Feelings/Body Sensations & Intensity
Pressured 70
Frightened 70
Overwhelmed 70
strong heartbeat, tense jaw, tight chest, mild headache
Immediate Thoughts
Time crunch today since Christina is coming over, and i have to watch the daycare this afternoon so mum can get to an appointment, but i gotta wash a huge pile of dishes before any of that happens and clean up the place. Still thinking about all the steps and work i have to do to move and how to battle the issues i might face in a low income building

Situation/Trigger
Afternoon reflection
Emotions/Feelings/Body Sensations & Intensity
Annoyed 85
Isolated 70
raised shoulders, tight jaw/frown, controlled breathing
Immediate Thoughts
Feels like people never consider the impact that things will have on others. Mom just decides to have an appointment this afternoon, forcing me to do dishes earlier, then invites people over when im absolutely not fit for company so i cant even do the dishes, so i cant have lunch, then christina will be here until 7 so i guess im just hiding in my room angrily eating potato chips because somebody else decided things. Meanwhile im thinking about all the upcoming stuff and it seems no one wants to talk about it or help me come up with ideas so im just stuck panicking over it in my head alone.

Situation/Trigger
Thinking about mum not caring to let me know or ask me before making decisions that involve me led me to think about how she would rather make me live in a cesspool than potentially have some financial issues that she hasn’t even looked into yet to see if theyre likely or even possible
Emotions/Feelings/Body Sensations & Intensity
Empty
Powerless
Hostile
Violated
Betrayed
Helpless
Insignificant
Holding back tears as much as i can until christina leaves. Headache… raised shoulders. Clenching and releasing arms, hands jaw. Very controlled breathing.
Immediate Thoughts
First time in over 10 years ive thought about self harm. Feel like i want to break stuff, feel like im going to explode. I always knew every one of us was alone in this world but now i really see how far that statement reaches. Wondering what the point is when no one gives a fuck and youre just alone. Explained to my mother twice why i dont appreciate having choices made for me without my input and she still walked down here like “oh whats wrong”

1 Like
6

July 23, 2021
TW: alcohol

Situation/Trigger
Bedtime reflection
Emotions/Feelings/Body Sensations & Intensity
Worried 60
Disappointed 30
Immediate Thoughts
Had a drink to calm down after my emotionally intense day. Feel kind of bad that I haven’t got an alternative to that yet but it is rare so it’s not dangerous, just needs some work. Didnt get a damn thing done today aside from changing my sheets so im worried how tomorrow will go with all of todays tasks piled on top.

Situation/Trigger
Morning reflection
Emotions/Feelings/Body Sensations & Intensity
Indifferent 60
Numb 75
Empty 75
tense abdomen, body feels heavy
Immediate Thoughts
Once again in the state of “doesnt really matter anyway” and “just gotta do what u gotta do regardless”. Its like swimming upstream. Youre not getting anywhere but if you stop, you wind up over the waterfall. Doesnt matter how i feel, how much pain i have today, how hard things are, how tired i am. The world turns regardless, and i have to keep going towards nothing regardless.

Situation/Trigger
Afternoon reflection
Emotions/Feelings/Body Sensations & Intensity
Violated 40
Helpless 70
Frustrated 80
Pressured 80
feel warm but my skin is cold, twitching from frustration, fidgety, tense jaw and shoulders
Immediate Thoughts
Really frustrated with phone companies rn. Spent forever trying to get a changeable option changed on my phone plan so i could have the daytime calling hours i know i should have available only to find out they removed my ability to change that and kept no records of it whatsoever so even though im in the right, they get to change whatever they want and if they dont record it poof it never happened, which means now i have to find a new phone plan, all of which are more expensive than the old one i have which i kept because it was cheap and had the options! And on top of that the cheapest place to get these more expensive phone plans is from the same company who just screwed me over so congratulations to them for violating their contracts and fucking people over and then getting paid more money as a reward! Meanwhile i get $10 less food every month, well done guys. Whole fuckin system is bullshit and i still wanna live in the woods. Also how the hell am i supposed to ever get a new phone? im not allowed to save money and wont get enough money a month to ever get a new phone through a plan. Or internet for that matter when its going to cost as much as my rent? May as well live in the woods if im worth so little to them that they think i should live with the insects and vermin with no technology anyway. At least id like my neighbors. Oh and also its 15 to 9 and i havent had lunch yet cuz ive been fighting with this shit since breakfast

1 Like
7

July 24, 2021
Hello and I am late today! I’ve also missed my afternoon reflection because I’ve been spaced out for…8 hours, I think just due to the heavy amounts of stress I’ve been under the past few months and not being able to get a proper break. Brain decided to take a break without permission, I guess. On with the show.

Situation/Trigger
Bedtime reflection
Emotions/Feelings/Body Sensations & Intensity
Tired
Disappointed
Isolated
Immediate Thoughts
Living like this is insane. Every second just go, go, go neverendingly to nowhere and nothing. I’m so tired and theres never any rest in sight.

Situation/Trigger
Morning reflection
Emotions/Feelings/Body Sensations & Intensity
Rushed 85
Scared 80
Mind is going a million miles a second, tense chest, shaky
Immediate Thoughts
Just more of the go, go, go… trying to figure out what everything is going to cost living on my own. Its not going to be pretty. All of this because my mom wont even look into the potential financial consequences of making my dad leave. Thanks mom, i feel valued /s

Error 404 - Afternoon reflection not found. :grimacing:

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July 25, 2021
Apparently I was still spaced out last night and wound up missing my bedtime reflection too! Back on track today :muscle:
Trigger warning: needles

Situation/Trigger
Morning reflection
Emotions/Feelings/Body Sensations & Intensity
Worried 80
Fragile 75
Lightheaded, can feel my pulse all over my body, bit of a lump in my throat, tense abdomen
Immediate Thoughts
All that’s on my mind today is getting my 2nd dose of the vaccine. Im terrified of medical needles, and im only just back on my feet after like 6 different health issues in a row so im dreading being sick again. Ill be glad when its over, but the journey scares me, especially with how long it always takes me to heal from everything… but i have no choice if i want this pandemic to end. I have to do my part, no matter how much it scares me and how long I feel sick after.

Situation/Trigger
Afternoon reflection/people getting upset with me for stating my displeasure with being disrespected
Emotions/Feelings/Body Sensations & Intensity
Disrespected 70
Betrayed 80
Hurt 90
warm neck/ears, crying, very tense jaw
Immediate Thoughts
Finally got fed up enough to speak out about this person continually arguing with or opposing everything i say and constantly putting words in my mouth and others’. Spoken to them privately about this a few times already and blocked them but STILL every time i say one thing “5 blocked messages”, yet somehow when i speak out about it publicly, im the one in the wrong because hes putting on the fake nice guy act, so if i say im upset about being continually disrespected, im the crazy one. At this point, seriously considering following others footsteps and leaving the community because of this guy. Hes like my father all over again, and i dont deserve to have everything i say constantly put down as if im an idiot in TWO parts of my life.

2 Likes
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July 26, 2021
Apologies for the confusing re-organization, this is now a thread, I don’t know how to use forums :joy: Please ignore my previous journal entries.
TW: needles

Situation/Trigger
Bedtime reflection
Emotions/Feelings/Body Sensations & Intensity
Worried 40
Disappointed 30
Validated 50
Immediate Thoughts
Still worried i might get some reaction from this vaccine overnight or tomorrow but im glad ive been symptom-free so far. Feeling a bit disappointed in myself for bringing that issue up publicly, its something i need to work on. When i see injustice or disrespect etc, my instinct is fight mode, not ‘speak to those in authority’ mode. I need to try and remember that for next time. It was nice to talk to some friends and hear how they feel the same way though, even if i didnt handle it responsibly. There are good people out there sometimes.

Situation/Trigger
Morning reflection
Emotions/Feelings/Body Sensations & Intensity
Nervous 75
Tired 70
Powerless 90
Unmotivated 80
upset stomach, tight jaw and shoulders
Immediate Thoughts
Nervous what consequences are coming my way from the ‘fight’ yesterday. I have a feeling mods are going to just be against me on this one, and if so, its better for my own sanity to just leave the group/situation than constantly weighing the pros and cons every time i want to speak there. Most of the time i already avoid it because i dont need that treatment and i dont want to put myself through those emotions at every turn. I think the tiredness and lack of motivation today are stemming from my body pains… just a never-ending chain of ‘what part is broken today’ eventually makes you wonder if it’s worth the fight to improve. Feels like i have no say in the matter, like it controls me and just loves to see me suffer.

Situation/Trigger
Afternoon reflection
Emotions/Feelings/Body Sensations & Intensity
Abandoned 75
Betrayed 60
Disrespected 85
crying, tense/on guard
Immediate Thoughts
redacted.

3 Likes
10

July 27, 2021

Situation/Trigger
Bedtime reflection
Emotions/Feelings/Body Sensations & Intensity
Withdrawn 70
Indignant 90
Rejected 80
crying, tense jaw, headache
Immediate Thoughts
Im too uncomfortable to even speak in that community now, and cant reach out there for help without inviting another scolding. Im angry that ive been put into this position and now i have to make another huge decision on top of everything already going on in my life, because if im this apprehensive about saying anything at all, whats the point in even being there. Ill miss a lot of the people i met there. When the dog feels bad for shitting on the floor, shaming him, forcing him to look at it, and rubbing his face in it doesnt make the dog more sorry, it just makes him never trust you again. Im just thinking in circles if its worth staying and feeling this way or just being alone instead.

Situation/Trigger
Waking up and checking messages
Emotions/Feelings/Body Sensations & Intensity
Apathetic 80
Bitter 90
tight chest and jaw, nauseous
Immediate Thoughts
Woke up late from being so stressed and unable to sleep last night only to see another “hey you’re wrong” poke in my face. Keep rubbing the dog’s face in it, thatll turn out great. I dont understand how admission of fault three times already is not enough for them. Im not going to write it on the blackboard 50 times. Im not a child and wont be spoken to like one. One straw remains and it doesnt look very stable. At this point, im not even sure im sorry anymore. Maybe its a good thing this happened so i could see what kind of a place it was under the surface and get myself out before its too late.

Situation/Trigger
Morning reflection
Emotions/Feelings/Body Sensations & Intensity
Apathetic 90
Tired 70
Let down 50
Pressured 70
nauseous, tense all over
Immediate Thoughts
Had enough of thinking about this situation and just made a decision instead. I have enough to think about without that on my mind. Vaccine is still making me really tired and i got hit with side effects today which isnt helping the physical side of things. Regardless of all of this, life just still goes on. Im still nervous about moving out, im still nervous about how to handle infestations at the new place, still worried how much worse my mom will get treated when im not here, still going to miss my cat, still got a billion medical appointments to get to on our useless bus system, still got to continually practice therapy stuff. 100 hours of stuff to do in every day, and the world dont care, it just keeps turning.

5 Likes
11

July 28, 2021

Spent yesterday afternoon feeling ill, and all morning down a plant rabbithole so I’ve missed another 2 slots. Any ideas for keeping consistent on a constantly fluctuating schedule?

Situation/Trigger
Bedtime reflection
Emotions/Feelings/Body Sensations & Intensity
Unfocused 90
Tired 85
Pressured 70
Warm, low energy, slow
Immediate Thoughts
I don’t even remember the afternoon, i just keep spacing out. I dont feel well so im not doing things that need to be done, but thats just making them pile up. The world doesnt care if you feel ill either i guess. Going to have to get back to it tomorrow regardless of how i feel. The mountain of stuff to do will just keep getting bigger if i dont.

Situation/Trigger
Afternoon reflection
Emotions/Feelings/Body Sensations & Intensity
Curious 80
Eager 70
Worried 60
slight lump in my throat, eyes/face muscles more engaged (perked up, things seem physically brighter)
Immediate Thoughts
Whole morning flew by talking to the succulents community, learning about different plants, seeing what i could grow with my current resources, and finding places to get them. I feel hesitant to spend money on this, but having something new to learn, having something rely on me, and watching something grow under my care has been so exciting and I think I needed it. Excited to head to a nursery on friday and pick out a new plant and learn to care for it. I havent really thought about the other community today, i have healthier things to do than fester. A little hesitant to get started on housework but i think i have the energy now.

3 Likes
12

July 29, 2021

Situation/Trigger
Bedtime reflection
Emotions/Feelings/Body Sensations & Intensity
Pressured 50
Curious 30
Abdomen tightness/butterflies
Immediate Thoughts
Busy few days coming up, no break times yet. Thinking a bit about what new plant I might being home on friday, wondering what the nursery will have. Going to bed late from procrastination today, but I got the important stuff done.

Situation/Trigger
Morning reflection
Emotions/Feelings/Body Sensations & Intensity
Isolated 50
Rushed 60
increased back pain, tense jaw, lightheaded
Immediate Thoughts
So much on the go already and just seeing a lot coming up. Talked to mum about all the construction we have to do, set up a hair appointment, got a dentist and doctor visit coming up, had a phone appointment today and that doc wants me on eye drops so yay another thing to remember multiple times a day. I swear some day im gonna get a break… Feeling a bit isolated since im going to be living on my own soon, even though i much prefer it. Just a bit scary not to have help available quickly when i need it.

Situation/Trigger
Afternoon reflection
Emotions/Feelings/Body Sensations & Intensity
Tired 85
Worried 50
increased back pain, increased neck pain, tense abdomen
Immediate Thoughts
Feeling kind of non-specifically sad/down, i think just from being worn out/burned out. Increasing brain fog today seems to be pointing to burn out as well. Just tired and want those days off but theres still too much i have to do. Upcoming changes are still on my mind but a bit more background.

2 Likes
13

July 31, 2021

Missed a bunch here cuz of medical issues/being out at the hospital and clinics etc. but we’re back at it again.

Situation/Trigger
Bedtime reflection
Emotions/Feelings/Body Sensations & Intensity
Sleepy 100
Eager 40
Fragile 50
Annoyed 65
Immediate Thoughts
Missed a bunch of entries. Been getting conflicting information from doctors about my eye, telehealth says i need to be seen within 4 hours, emergency room says 12 hour wait, might have permanent vision loss, but then another doctor tells me the medication couldnt have done that. I would like to just get a straight answer on how to fix my eye before it explodes from this swelling, but no, our healthcare system is a dumpster fire. Still managed to get to the nursery today. It was fun, though very humid and hot, and i fought to get signal the whole time so i could get info on what plants i could take care of. Never managed to, so i grabbed two i liked and luckily it turns out, i have the stuff to keep them happy. Bit sad cuz there was one other i loved but didnt look familiar at all so i skipped it, and it turns out its super easy to care for. Started downpouring so hard on the way home that we could barely see the car in front of us on the highway. Hydroplaning, there was an accident we almost ran into, it was a massively stressful trip back but we made it. I’m so sore, my eye is killing me, i barely slept between the ER till midnight and clinic first thing this morning, sitting in a car for 4 hours, and all the walking at the nursery.

Situation/Trigger
Morning reflection
Emotions/Feelings/Body Sensations & Intensity
Nervous 65
Tired 50
Annoyed 60
head pressure, face/jaw tense from eye pain
Immediate Thoughts
Got some delicate work to do on my new plants and some unknowns about lighting needs both making me nervous about the outcomes. Still tired after a stressful/busy day yesterday, and getting really annoyed still having this eyelid so swollen and painful and blurring my vision. Trying to take things slow today since my heart rate is acting up and making me feel not-so-great but hoping to still accomplish some smaller things.

2 Likes
14

Aug 1, 2021

Spent yesterday afternoon napping due to the heart rate thing so not entry for that one!

Situation/Trigger
Bedtime reflection
Emotions/Feelings/Body Sensations & Intensity
Relieved
Tired
Lower back pain/tense, breathing deeper than normal
Immediate Thoughts
Just glad this whole eye situation is improving and I had some time with my heart rate back to normal this evening. Tired from the mental and physical stress.

Situation/Trigger
Morning reflection
Emotions/Feelings/Body Sensations & Intensity
Rushed 80
Annoyed 50
Hopeful 50
low abdomen tension, tight jaw/shoulders/neck, too warm
Immediate Thoughts
Mom decided my plans again today, even though i already made some. She either just doesnt even realize that i also have things to do, or thinks i do nothing every day. Either way, not appreciated to have to rearrange my whole schedule, miss out on plans with friends, and rush to get everything taken care of. Between the plants and my eye finally improving, im feeling oddly hopeful amidst all the frustration and stress. I dont know what im hoping for… but im hoping.

3 Likes
15

Aug 2, 2021

Another afternoon entry missed. Main issue is my need to complete things to feel like ive done something, so I cant bring myself to stop before the entire task is done. Going to start making a conscious effort to have a small lunch break and do my afternoon entries.

Situation/Trigger
Bedtime reflection
Emotions/Feelings/Body Sensations & Intensity
Insignificant 30
Curious 50
Overwhelmed 80
Immediate Thoughts
Spent 5h this evening preparing berries for jam and barely did half the job. Feeling insignificant from that just because I feel like I should have been able to accomplish that faster, like it’s just some stupid berries how hard can it be and yet I struggle. Got another half to do tomorrow I guess, along with helping mom make the jam and doing more construction work she’s planned for me, on top of trying to wash some dishes and prepare soil and repot my new plants. Sneaking suspicion I won’t have time to do what I planned and only mum’s plans will get done. Talked with a friend tonight who suggested looking into ptsd since some of my symptoms line up with theirs. Strange that I never considered it, but it seems like a possibility. Don’t know if I want to add it to my plate of things to work on yet though so I may hold off on reading up.

Situation/Trigger
Morning reflection
Emotions/Feelings/Body Sensations & Intensity
Disappointed 50
Rushed 70
Sleepy 60
Sighing a lot, tense abdomen/chest
Immediate Thoughts
Feeling disappointed in myself because i think i should be able to do more. Yes it was just some berries that i couldnt finish, but its also that everything feels like a massive job. Even though others can do these things with no issue, multiple of these things in one day, i still struggle and dread doing 1-2 and im completely wiped afterwards. Logically i know i shouldnt expect the same of my body as a healthy body, but its hard not to compare and feel inferior. Got a couple big tasks to take care of today, one being repotting plants which im anxious about. Just losing momentum and energy seeing the finish line getting further away while im still running towards it.

Situation/Trigger
Evening reflection
Emotions/Feelings/Body Sensations & Intensity
Frustrated 60
Bitter 70
Defeated 90
Spacing out/staring off into space, clenched teeth, shaky
Immediate Thoughts
Missed another afternoon so heres an evening one… the entire day was just working on construction type things. I did make time to eat but even then i was so exhausted and in pain I didnt think to write here. The couple hour job turned into all day and many future days work because of who else – my father. Every time i turned around theres another thing he half-assed and how i have to invent ways to fix it or completely take it apart and redo it properly. At this point theres so much pain in every part of me it feels like none because my brain is so overwhelmed with the signals that its just stopped trying to tell me. Not a single thing I needed to do got done today because of how much extra work i kept running into. Im covered in dust and dirt and fiberglass and i dont care because theres not a snowballs chance in hell i could muster the energy to shower. If im lucky i can change the sheets and shower tomorrow so i have a clean place to sleep. And still, seemingly no matter how many times i plan it, theres never time to repot my plants. Theres a whole lot of ‘who gives a fuck’ flying around

2 Likes
16

Aug 3, 2021

Situation/Trigger
Bedtime reflection
Emotions/Feelings/Body Sensations & Intensity
Defeated 60
Tired 70
Immediate Thoughts
Spent hours too exhausted to move from the chair to the bed. The unending stream of shit to do continues… still need a break, still want a break, still no time for a break. Seems pointless to keep trying to have my ‘weekend’ days free when theres always something that ruins it, or so many prior days have been packed full to the point where im out of clothes and dishes and need a shower so my days off are spent catching up on those just so i can go back to the endless other shit for the rest of the week.

Situation/Trigger
Morning reflection
Emotions/Feelings/Body Sensations & Intensity
Defeated 75
Pressured 70
Empty 60
Curious 20
Flushed, head pressure, tight jaw, tense neck
Immediate Thoughts
The whole ‘theres never any break cuz everything just keeps going and im caught up in the tornado so i have no choice but to be carried along’ thing continues. Need a break, stuff to do, blah blah. Dont wanna do it, dont have the energy to do it, have to do it anyway. All feeling very pointless right now, swimming upriver towards nothing but more river. Had therapy this morning, which i was late to because my brain is so jumbled. She said I can use my distraction coping skills if i need to, so long as i go back to the issue after im calm, so im interested in trying that out. Still terrified to face the emotions… but at least i can use the bad avoidance coping skills that im used to, but in a positive way. Easier to tweak what youre used to instead of throw it all out and start in completely unfamiliar territory.

Situation/Trigger
Evening reflection
Emotions/Feelings/Body Sensations & Intensity
Disappointed 70
Scared 90
Weak, sore/tight neck, tense jaw, tense upper abdomen
Immediate Thoughts
Again with the missed afternoon. At some point, im gonna make this work. Havent accomplished much today cuz i just dont want to get up and i want to rest so badly. Showered though, so im going to be sure to change my sheets before bed, and thats at least 2 things in a day. Unfortunately all this sitting hasnt been restful at all because all ive thought about is how much i should get up and do the things i have planned. Still comparing how just showering and changing the sheets is easy for most people, and unbelievably energy draining and painful for me… im not trying to be lazy, i just want to avoid going through that.

3 Likes
17

Aug 4, 2021

Fell asleep in seconds once i got to bed last night, so no bedtime reflection. Ive realized that it’s time to stop giving a reason for my missing entries though, so no excuses from here on out. Im not perfect, Im gonna do my best, and im going to miss some, and i dont need more reason than that.

Situation/Trigger
Morning reflection
Emotions/Feelings/Body Sensations & Intensity
Pressured 80
Worried 50
very tense jaw, slow breathing, brain keeps trying to space out, tight chest/upper abdomen
Immediate Thoughts
Too much to do saga continues but for some reason i feel a bit more motivation today. Theres a small thought that maybe this time i will get through it and reach a point where i can take a break. I dont know why im thinking that, because it never happens, but im thinking that. Still worried about repotting my plants, dunno whats going on inside the pot until i open it up, and if i have to use water to rinse the roots, one its going to be very precarious since the leaves cant get wet.

Situation/Trigger
Afternoon reflection
Emotions/Feelings/Body Sensations & Intensity
Overwhelmed 80
Encouraged 60
Disappointed 70
Pressured 80
very tense/sore jaw, tense upper abdomen/neck, head/neckache
Immediate Thoughts
Still havent done much yet today. I think im avoiding the small stuff cuz its going to get me closer to the repotting that im nervous about. I did set up my planner though, so im not looking at every task on the same day anymore which is nice, but theres still a lot to do. Had a long chat with some friends to learn about different curries, and what i can try out. Its always been too overwhelming when i tried to learn on my own. Was still incredibly overwhelming with friends, but with their help i have a direction now and im interested in trying some out.

3 Likes
18

That’s a good breakthrough! It’s okay to not be perfect :hrtlegolove:

2 Likes
19

Aug 5, 2021

Situation/Trigger
Bedtime reflection
Emotions/Feelings/Body Sensations & Intensity
Pressured 30
Defeated 20
Clenched teeth, tight mid/lower back
Immediate Thoughts
Mind is pretty blank tonight. I think its getting tired of repeating the same thoughts and just leaving me with the feelings and a ‘see above’ notation. Thinking a bit about tomorrow being busy but mostly just want to sleep. Ill have that stress tomorrow instead.

Situation/Trigger
Morning reflection
Emotions/Feelings/Body Sensations & Intensity
Powerless 70
Rushed 90
Hopeless 60
Sore/tense jaw, warm, fidgety
Immediate Thoughts
Just thinking about all the stuff i have to get done today. Worried about money since i have negative cash right now, and need to get AC, microwave, vacuum and kitchen supplies for when i move out. I was thinking how nice it would be to have my medical symptoms treated so i can enjoy so many things again, but then i thought about how far away that possibility is and how unlikely it is to happen even once i get help.

Situation/Trigger
Afternoon reflection
Emotions/Feelings/Body Sensations & Intensity
Overwhelmed 70
Curious 50
Insecure 80
Accepted 75
Headache, tight jaw/neck/chest/upper abdomen, slightly cold
Immediate Thoughts
Got food on my mind from a lot of chats today and the curry investigation yesterday. Im trying to prepare myself for the tight budget ill have once i move, so im seeing what i can base on bulk staples like rice and potatoes, but it’s hard since i just dont know foods. With my dad being so controlling, my mom was never really allowed to buy or prepare foods my dad didnt like, so i really only know the basics. Never got to try asparagus or proper soy sauce, never had eggplant, never ate foods from other cultures. Its hard to know where to start looking for recipes when i dont even know the ingredients because of this environment. Do i like italian rice dishes or thai rice dishes? How do i even find out without trying 10 of each? And every new dish i try has a chance that ill just hate it, and all the money and effort is gone to waste. Its such a big mountain of information in just one tiny little corner of the subject and i feel like im starting from the food knowledge of a 4 year old. Im glad to have help from many directions on this, even if their excitement for teaching me is overwhelming, they mean well.

1 Like
20

Aug 6, 2021

Situation/Trigger
Bedtime reflection
Emotions/Feelings/Body Sensations & Intensity
Accomplished 20
tense jaw, low back pain
Immediate Thoughts
Repotted one of my plants tonight but brain is pretty empty besides feeling a little good about that.

Situation/Trigger
Afternoon reflection
Emotions/Feelings/Body Sensations & Intensity
Annoyed 70
Stressed 80
Worried 50
tense abdomen, tight jaw, a bit cold, mild headache
Immediate Thoughts
Stupid tinnitus has been beeping in my ear for hours, its driving me nuts. Mum decided to change plans again. At least this time i found out the day before instead of right when its happening. Shes still having multiple crying breakdowns every day over this daycare mess. I talked to her about it again but shes too scared of living on a small government income and would rather continue to fight a system that doesnt care about a tiny business like hers, or small business owners like her. She is still asking for help with things she knows how to do because her anxiety is so high. I want to help, but at some point i cant do it all for her, she needs to get help from therapy to be able to handle these things. Had to cut off all the tops of one of my plants today so im worried if the cuttings will live, but the original plant was just going downhill so this is my best shot. I have a healthy cutting of that plant already so even if all the new cuttings dont make it, its okay.

1 Like