I think you’ll feel really satisfied when you start getting food down! My sister didn’t cook until she moved a thousand miles from home, and then she learned pretty quickly. Recipes are great, but like you said, ingredients can be expensive, and it’s a waste if you don’t like them. My approach is to start with staples you know and venture out from there. Pasta, cheese, bell peppers, etc etc. Put good in, get good out. You’ve got this!
Your revelations about your mom are healthy too. Things sound pretty awful for her, but you can’t help her and you can’t prop her up, and trying to do so will crush you. I wish her and you luck in navigating that.
Yeah trying to stick with core basics and fancy it up on top of that, but i have to be conservative because of my chronic illness. Energy is a very tiny and limited resource, so even though ive been on my own a number of times, i always lived on packaged food and never learned to cook! Talking to other people with chronic illness has been helpful to get some shortcuts! I do feel badly for my mom, i know what shes dealing with is crushing her but… im not equipped or educated in the right ways to be able to properly help. I keep suggesting it but all i can do is hope that one day she tries it out.
Situation/Trigger
Bedtime reflection Emotions/Feelings/Body Sensations & Intensity
Scared 80
Inferior 60
Lump in my throat, abdomen feels like its pressing in, tense jaw Immediate Thoughts
Repotted another plant tonight. Been thinking more about cooking and moving out. All together it feels like theres so much i dont know and im so far behind. Im scared to screw up things i cant undo like killing a plant of ruining a dish and wasting all the food. Im scared people will criticize me and shame me for it even though i dont keep those kind of people in my life anymore. I feel unprepared to live on my own even though i have many times before.
Situation/Trigger
Morning reflection Emotions/Feelings/Body Sensations & Intensity
Disappointed 60
Defeated 60
Anxious 75
Tense abdomen/jaw, slightly lightheaded, too warm inside but cool outside Immediate Thoughts
Hating on myself a bit for procrastinating so far today. I was awake 4h ago and just getting started on things now. At least its the weekend so i can play music while i do the dishes. Its nice that the house is calm but it does make me want to just sit and enjoy the silence. I keep trying to think and organize all my upcoming tasks in my head, and i could set them out on my planner but i think either will just make me too scared of the mountain to begin climbing, so its better to just start something.
Situation/Trigger
Bedtime reflection Emotions/Feelings/Body Sensations & Intensity
Lost
Hopeless
Nauseous Immediate Thoughts
Feeling again like im trying to rush towards nothing and im just exhausted. Barely did anything again today but it wasnt restful at all since i was berating myself the whole time
Situation/Trigger
Afternoon reflection Emotions/Feelings/Body Sensations & Intensity
Disappointed 60
Defeated 70
Joyful 40
heavy/sluggish, tight jaw, fidgety Immediate Thoughts
Another morning doing nothing but procrastinating the endless ‘stuff to do’. I did learn some cactus things though, and one of my previously very sad plants is not only having healthy new growth but also starting to blush, showing appreciation for its new light. Its exciting to learn and see the results of knowing better.
Situation/Trigger
Bedtime reflection Emotions/Feelings/Body Sensations & Intensity
Anxious
Pressured
Clenched teeth, uncomfortable Immediate Thoughts
Gotta wake up in 4 hours to take over the daycare. Scared to sleep in case i dont wake up in time but need to sleep so i can get at least some sleep before doing that. I hate this cycle.
Situation/Trigger
Morning reflection Emotions/Feelings/Body Sensations & Intensity
Sleepy
Annoyed
Nauseous, slow, low heart rate(uncomfortable chest, out of breath) Immediate Thoughts
Barely got any sleep last night since i had to get up early. Gotta run the daycare for a short bit while mum goes to an appointment. I know its easier for her to have me take over for things like this, but i still think she should close the business, or at least have the self worth to take a day off to book daytime appointments once in a while. Going to be a long day after this with a costco trip and action group later on.
Situation/Trigger
Bedtime reflection Emotions/Feelings/Body Sensations & Intensity
Peaceful 50
Anxious 20
Slightly tight jaw, heavy Immediate Thoughts
This evening was a rollercoaster. Slept through the afternoon because I felt terrible and hardly slept last night, but slept through my alarms and mom trying to wake me up and then missed our plans. Accepting that acute sickness needs accommodation is much easier for me than accepting that chronic illness needs it too. Had a chat with a spoonie friend about this which we both struggle with. Helpful to have someone volley back the words of advice we always give others. People in the succulent community have been really supportive lately of my anxiety around letting my plants get properly dehydrated before I water them. it’s a big challenge for me to accept the distress it’s causing and accept the waiting since my automatic reaction is problem-fix so I don’t have to deal with it anymore. i feel like things are going to be okay for now at least.
Situation/Trigger
Afternoon reflection Emotions/Feelings/Body Sensations & Intensity
Disappointed 40
Annoyed 60 Immediate Thoughts
Accomplished nothing again all morning and laying down again this afternoon. Annoyed with living in a broken body and disappointed in myself that i didnt just push through the pain and exhaustion to be productive. And then disappointed that im disappointed in that.
I think your writing is amazing. You are expressing what a lot of people are feeling, and helping others not feel alone is of immense benefit.
Are you disappointed because you lacked energy to accomplish something? I think that’s different than blaming yourself for not doing something that you actually could have done. I think it’s important to honor your intentions and accept your limitations without self blame. With limited energy, a person will “hit a wall,” at which point, the feeling of exhaustion is absolute and immobilizing. Sadly, many people are conditioned to feel guilty (or feel disappointed in one’s self) when this happens.
Consider that being disappointed in one’s self for hitting a wall is not too unlike self focused disappointment for catching a cold, or not being as tall as you would like to be. Living with self blame is like dropping spoons constantly. You don’t deserve to have a negative self perception.
A marathon runner who doesn’t win first place, could spend a lot of time telling herself that maybe she could’ve run just a little bit faster, then blame herself for not doing so. Every day, you are running a marathon, even if others don’t see it. When you come to that moment when you realize you can’t push yourself any further, gently accept that moments reality. Be kind and fair to yourself. That’s at least one less spoon to drop.
Thanks Wings My struggle in regards to disappointment in self is more-so focused on my limits due to disability. In my case the “I could so I should” mentality is actually an issue. I can absolutely push through and accomplish more and because I can, I think I should, when for me this will actually cause more issues that I’ll pay for later. I suppose you could say im perpetually lacking energy, and that makes it hard to distinguish when I should and shouldn’t do things, so choosing not to do those tasks leaves me with the thought that maybe I could have and im just being lazy and using my condition as an excuse. Its a precarious balance since I am always in pain and I am always tired, I cant simply take a break whenever I’m sore or exhausted (that would be every minute of every day!) and instead have to try and judge when I can and cannot handle more. Choosing not to can feel like giving up sometimes, and gets frustrating not to be able to make my own decisions. Hopefully some of that made sense? xD
It does make sense. I think we’re saying almost the same thing. I also think a subtle but perhaps important difference is, when deciding you “should,” do something, but it will lead to more issues you’ll pay for later, consider that using the word “should” is an encapsulation of negative self-judgment. I guess there’s more than one way to look at “should.” A person with limited energy may believe she “shouldn’t” have that problem. That’s a bit like saying, “I shouldn’t have a tummy ache.” There’s not much self-judgment there. It’s like saying “I’d rather that my body was stronger.” That’s just self-honesty.
When you decide not to do something due to lack of energy, thoughts like, “maybe I could’ve done more,” or “I should’ve done more,” or “am I just being lazy…” in other words, struggling with a self-imposed distinction and judgment of what you could or couldn’t, should or shouldn’t have done isn’t necessary.
True, you can’t always take a break, but budgeting your energy is not even close to giving up. If it comes to making a choice of doing a bit less than you think you can, once you finish what you thought you could, then it’s time to decide if you can do more. I think it’s far more common to overestimate what can be done, then falling short of the anticipated goal sucks.
When it comes to “I could so I should,” what is there to be gained by doing what you think you “should,” and as a consequence, can do far less later. In that case, the could and should will cause a greater energy deficit than if you’d simply planned, based on your experience, what you can handle doing within a given time frame.
If you were truly lazy, none of this stuff would matter to you. When energy is at a premium, it isn’t good to let self-doubt undermine it. Nothing about you deserves to be doubted.
Situation/Trigger
Afternoon reflection Emotions/Feelings/Body Sensations & Intensity
Tired 70
Defeated 80
joint pain (higher than normal), tender skin and muscles, overheated, difficulty focusing Immediate Thoughts
I don’t really remember yesterday… I know i have not been feeling well and just trying to bounce back and forth between spacing out/naps and getting super distracted online so i can make it though, but thats all i remember. Today is not much different. Some issues have lessened, but im still having cramps for like week and a half at this point, my joints are excessively sore, and our piece of shit heatwave just started so i still feel like death, just for different reasons now. Where exactly am i supposed to fit a break in all of this? Its either a day where i feel like absolute trash to the point where sitting up is too much or a day where i have to rush to try and have dishes to eat with and clothes to wear before the next time i feel like trash.
Situation/Trigger
Morning reflection Emotions/Feelings/Body Sensations & Intensity
Eager 70
Anxious 85
Overwhelmed 60
high joint pain, overheated, fidgety Immediate Thoughts
Having trouble remembering yesterday again. It’s afternoon here but ive been waking up late as my sleep schedule changes itself around again. The next couple weeks have a lot of appointments which is going to mean a lot of nights short on sleep with my schedule as it is. Heat wave continues and I have to go out in it soon. At least there is interesting food at the end, but even that i’m anxious to try in case i dont like it.
Situation/Trigger
Bedtime reflection Emotions/Feelings/Body Sensations & Intensity
Tired 80
Satisfied 60
Glad 90 Immediate Thoughts
Finally got to try proper thai food tonight and it was immensely satisfying. Really glad i have it another shot after the gross place i tried a few years ago. Didnt do too much today but im just exhausted. Should have gone to bed hours ago and just kept procrastinating those last few tasks.
Situation/Trigger
Morning reflection Emotions/Feelings/Body Sensations & Intensity
Overwhelmed 90
Anxious 90
Relieved 40
tense jaw, fidgety, warm, high joint pain Immediate Thoughts
Again technically afternoon but today is going real slow. Finally had the energy to do my physical care today after many days of being heat drained or having all my energy spoken for in other tasks. Overwhelmed getting back into the swing of things, all the tasks to take care of. The mess is making me anxious but the process of fixing that is long and going to be painful and exhausting so im still procrastinating taking the first steps.
Situation/Trigger
Afternoon reflection Emotions/Feelings/Body Sensations & Intensity
Rushed 70
Curious 60
medium-high joint pain, fidgety, warm Immediate Thoughts
Trying to get a few more dishes washed before i call it a day, but as usual procrastinated so my ‘afternoon’ here is quite late. Theres a lot id like to get done so i can feel comfortable, but theres no chance its all happening today so small steps it is. Ive been thinking a lot about the future of my plants as they grow, change, thrive and struggle, and about what food will look like for me in the future since ive bought some new things to try and new tools to use. Whole wide world of food out there and ive been eating potatoes and carrots. Now i want potatoes and carrots though.
Situation/Trigger
Bedtime reflection Emotions/Feelings/Body Sensations & Intensity
Optimistic 40
Stressed 80
Scared 80
Uncomfortable, fidgety, warm, tense jaw Immediate Thoughts
Amazing how much better it makes me feel just to have some dishes clean. Still thinking of the plant changes and new foods to come. Mind is mainly on a dentist visit Thursday. Worried I’ll wake up late, miss the buses, terrified of the needles, scared they won’t numb me again, the pain and headaches when the meds wear off, exhaustion from the emotional exertion. Thinking ahead to my haircut next week, can’t wait to be free of this mop on my head. Doctors visit coming up too and since things have been pushed off so long, there’s quite a list of things we need to go over. Best write it down so I can be sure they all get addressed.
Situation/Trigger
Morning reflection Emotions/Feelings/Body Sensations & Intensity
Rushed 60
Eager 50
Worried 70
fidgety, tense jaw Immediate Thoughts
Been trying to mentally arrange things all morning, which is a bad idea. Probably should write them down after this. Medium busy day planned, but self-inflicted i suppose since its all things i want to get done, not things that strictly have to be done under a time frame, aside from preparing things for my dentist visit tomorrow. I think ive been more prone to pondering lately but the type of pondering where youre not really thinking about anything, just generally confused and curious.
Situation/Trigger
Afternoon reflection Emotions/Feelings/Body Sensations & Intensity
Pressured 90
Rushed 90
Worried 75
Frustrated 100
tense all over, jittery, difficulty concentrating Immediate Thoughts
Still surrounded by a giant mess which isnt helping my stress levels. Had to take the cat to the vet which is also stressful. Been trying to figure out how to get to the dentist tomorrow afternoon and im so pissed off how theyve screwed with their website, whole thing is useless AND wrong. I have to wake up at 8 to get there on time with these complete garbage bus routes that may or may not be on time due to 50 detours (that have no maps so i can tell where they are) so ill miss my appointment, and then theres no way to get back so i have to walk pretty far down a steep hill in the busiest traffic in the city so good thing im not disabled, except i am, so F me apparently and RIP half my joints by the time i get home. I hate this, i hate the buses, i hate that the government thinks this is okay, i hate that no ones going to wear a mask, i hate that i cant drive not that i could afford it if i wanted to, and i hate being forced into this by a body that was broken before i was even born.
I have to take my cat to the vet tomorrow. He’s feral, and it’s hell to get him into a carrier. He has no inhibition when it comes to scratching and biting.
If your mobility is impaired, there might be other transportation services available to you. A lot of communities have door-to-door service for people who have difficulty getting around. I think it would be worth asking around about.
Thankfully my cat is very gentle, just that he gets very scared and can scratch by accident or tries to hide in places we cant get him out of, and it stresses me when hes stressed.
I have had a look into other transportation options however… most are cabs which i cant afford with how little money they provide to live on here, and the one that i could afford, i dont qualify for because im not impaired enough in their eyes. Remaining options are walk to the bus or just walk unfortunately.
Situation/Trigger
Bedtime reflection Emotions/Feelings/Body Sensations & Intensity
Rushed 90
Overwhelmed 70
Tense/can’t relax in bed Immediate Thoughts
Same stuff as this afternoon… busy, buses are shitty, dentist, needles. Trying to keep a lot of stuff straight even though it’s written down, it’s written 50 places. Worried I won’t wake up in time.
Situation/Trigger
Woke up early Emotions/Feelings/Body Sensations & Intensity
Worried 90
Scared 100
shaky, fidgety, picking at my skin, feels like my heart is racing but its slow Immediate Thoughts
Cant get back to sleep and cant stop thinking. Just imagining everything that could go wrong today and how much itll suck even if it all goes right. Too scared if i sleep again i wont wake up in time, scared if i dont i wont have the energy to make it through the day. Scared of missing the buses, getting a sunburn, getting needles, peoples judgments. Scared my plants will burn since i moved them closer to the light and i wont even be home to check on them.
Situation/Trigger
Turned away at the bus Emotions/Feelings/Body Sensations & Intensity
Embarrassed
Angry
Disappointed
Inadequate
Rejected
Ashamed
crying, flushed, jaw/tongue pain from tension Immediate Thoughts
So i guess the bus doesnt take bus passes anymore. Basically told me i could still get on once but then id have no transfer to get on the next 2 buses id need and no way to get home. Feeling really rejected and stupid and like i just cant take care of myself, ill never be independent. Fully grown adult cant even figure out how to take the bus and was too stupid to think of bringing a backup. All that stress and panic and planning and fighting with their terrible website just to get turned away and walk back home and have to cancel my appointment because its not like i can afford $40 in cab fare to get there and back. I dont know how im expecting to live on my own when i cant even figure out something so fucking basic.
Situation/Trigger
Morning reflection Emotions/Feelings/Body Sensations & Intensity
Resentful 70
Annoyed 80
Defeated 70
tense jaw/neck, tight chest and abdomen, forceful breathing Immediate Thoughts
Really frustrated lately. I’m stuck relying on people who arent reliable, and stuck in limbo waiting for them to do what they already should have. Bus company still never called and they’re closed on the weekend. Good thing i dont need the bus monday morning. Spent many hours yesterday resetting and reconfiguring my phone to start with a new carrier, only to find out they only take credit cards even though they keep saying ‘debit’, and they said to wait for a text from my old provider to confirm porting my number which would take a day at most, and yet my old provider says they never got a request and its the new company thats supposed to text me. It irritates me to no end that even though its literally someone elses job to do this stuff, i have to spend days chasing them down to make them do it. How hard is it to just say the truth and do what you say? Like with Michaels telling me they’d restock an item soon. When exactly is soon? It’s been 4 months and my half finished project is still sitting here waiting for supplies. Why tell me ‘soon’ if you don’t know-- why not just tell me you dont know? Things like this are why I always fantasize about just living in the woods, trees and squirrels don’t lie to you. Whatever i guess, gotta keep plugging along in the world im stuck in. I don’t know why i keep expecting people to keep up their end of things. They wont, and i know it, and i still keep hoping they will so i dont have to deal with things that are their responsibility, yet somehow in the end i always have to chase them down to do it, or just do it myself.
For that it’s worth, I’ve also fantasized about living out in the woods. I even took some time to start planning what it would look like. This shit is frustrating, and it sounds like it’s all piling up right now. When it rains it pours, right? In less extreme instances of society burnout, I just want to spend a few days in a pillow fort, but I don’t have enough pillows I feel ashamed for wanting to ditch responsibility and quit being an adult, and I think I’m too old to feel so helpless; but when I talk to people and realize I’m not the only one, I think we’re all a little scared, and we all get a bunch of little things piling up to make it feel like the world is against us. This isn’t to diminish what you have going on, and I can’t speak to your health complications, but you’re not alone in your frustrations.
I don’t really see that as ditching responsibility or quitting being an adult at all! Many of the things we’re expected to deal with are not part of being an adult, theyre just parts of society that unfortunately happen around us and we’re forced to deal with. As with the living off the grid situation, we would still have to provide for ourselves in every way and do adult things, just without the society aspect of things like traffic when you’re late or trying to understand how to do your taxes. I do find a couple days in a tent really helps with this though
As for being a little scared… yep we all are. Any young adults or teens out there who see this, dont be upset that you dont know what you’re doing when it comes to adult things – none of us know either. We’re all just muddling through trying to figure it out as we go.
That’s the biggest deterrent. Every. Single. Thing. That’s why society formed in the first place, so people could take care of different aspects of stuff and help each other out. It makes communal living sounds like a good option, minus the cult type stuff Anyone wanna join an off the grid community that’s totally normal and not a cult??
But thank you. I needed this today, more than I knew.
Situation/Trigger
Morning reflection Emotions/Feelings/Body Sensations & Intensity
Relieved 40
Worrie 70
Hopeful 70
Tense abdomen/jaw, slow and controlled deep breathing Immediate Thoughts
Got a fair bit to do today but im feeling up for at least some of it. Last night was finally cool enough to drop the indoor temp to 20 which really helped. A bit worried about watering a few of my plants today since succulents can be so picky about water. Just looking forward to getting things checked off my list, though still anxious to get started because of my limited energy.
cheese, 
My struggle in regards to disappointment in self is more-so focused on my limits due to disability. In my case the “I could so I should” mentality is actually an issue. I can absolutely push through and accomplish more and because I can, I think I should, when for me this will actually cause more issues that I’ll pay for later. I suppose you could say im perpetually lacking energy, and that makes it hard to distinguish when I should and shouldn’t do things, so choosing not to do those tasks leaves me with the thought that maybe I could have and im just being lazy and using my condition as an excuse. Its a precarious balance since I am always in pain and I am always tired, I cant simply take a break whenever I’m sore or exhausted (that would be every minute of every day!) and instead have to try and judge when I can and cannot handle more. Choosing not to can feel like giving up sometimes, and gets frustrating not to be able to make my own decisions. Hopefully some of that made sense? xD
I feel ashamed for wanting to ditch responsibility and quit being an adult, and I think I’m too old to feel so helpless; but when I talk to people and realize I’m not the only one, I think we’re all a little scared, and we all get a bunch of little things piling up to make it feel like the world is against us. This isn’t to diminish what you have going on, and I can’t speak to your health complications, but you’re not alone in your frustrations.
Anyone wanna join an off the grid community that’s totally normal and not a cult??