Situation/Trigger
Bedtime reflection Emotions/Feelings/Body Sensations & Intensity
Frightened 70
Worried 60
Powerless 75
Despair 80
Tense abdomen, nauseous, skin pain (stress breakouts and picking), clenched jaw Immediate Thoughts
On edge for the past couple hours after being terrified by a spider directly above my head. I get so paranoid after things like that. I even spent a few minutes tracking down a faint buzz thinking it was a fly only to find out it was just air escaping my ice cubes. Makes me feel foolish. I’m starting to see the other side of owning plants now which is worrying but i think will be good for me. Sometimes things just go wrong and there’s no reason or blame, which is hard for me to swallow but a lesson I should probably learn to tolerate. Many of the people I talk to have been sharing about mental and physical struggles lately and its brought up a thought I’ve had a few times before. In pain we often feel alone but in reality, everyone has their own version of it. While that makes us feel less alone, it also means everyone is suffering, and I can never decide which is worse - being the only one suffering or the idea that the whole world is in pain of a million kinds.
Situation/Trigger
Afternoon reflection Emotions/Feelings/Body Sensations & Intensity
Rushed 80
Overwhelmed 70
Hopeful 40
tense abdomen, clenched jaw, warm, high adrenaline Immediate Thoughts
Another pretty busy day but things seem to be going in the right direction. Phone is sorted, bus pass issue not quite because apparently they never actually requested someone to call me but i put in another call today. Plants watered yesterday are perking up, im showered for my haircut tomorrow, its finally raining so i can collect fresh water for my plants. Kind of feels as if theres a tsunami coming towards me, though its going to push me in the right direction. So much on the go but many chances at little improvements from each of them.
Situation/Trigger
Bedtime reflection Emotions/Feelings/Body Sensations & Intensity
Nervous 90
Worried 80
Eager 70
Knots in my stomach, clenched jaw, shaky Immediate Thoughts
Heading out for my first haircut in 2 years tomorrow and I’m so eager to get it all shaved off. At the same time, nervous about the change and if ill like how I look, and worried about taking the bus again especially after what happened last time. They also love to be randomly late and I don’t want to get screwed over by yet another person failing at their job. Set up a new method to grow roots on a damaged plant today so I’m also worried about that and nervous it might not live.
Situation/Trigger
Morning reflection Emotions/Feelings/Body Sensations & Intensity
Tired
Exasperated
warm, nauseous, tense jaw Immediate Thoughts
Going through another heat wave the last few days so ive just been thinking about trying to get through it. I just want this damn summer shit to be over with so i can stop feeling like im being cooked alive and just trying to survive and feed myself and not being able to sleep through the night from the heat. I want to wash dishes, i want to clean, i want to cook and test my new kitchen tools. I want to work on these projects that are just sitting here in piles and all i can do all summer is wait and hope for a break in the temperature.
Situation/Trigger
Bedtime reflection Emotions/Feelings/Body Sensations & Intensity
Tired 90
Proud 20
Scared 80
Relieved 90 Immediate Thoughts
Worn out from all this lack of sleep and the heat. Finally cooled down enough to open the windows tonight and it feels great in here. I got a good amount done today considering my 5h sleep and super hot conditions. Mom wants me to go with her to a fiber gathering tomorrow which i dont mind but im scared ill be stuck out there in pain with no relief.
Situation/Trigger
Bedtime reflection Emotions/Feelings/Body Sensations & Intensity
All kinds of fear 100
Annoyed 60
Powerless 80
very tense jaw, mild headache, fidgety, tired but full of adrenaline Immediate Thoughts
There is so much changing right now that im stuck in a state of panic where theres so much to panic about that i cant focus on one and am just left panicking at thin air. After my doctors visit today, every one of my medications will probably be stopped. As if its not hard enough to find an antidepressant that works well, now i have to do that again with the added complications from my medical issues that make 90% of all kinds of medications do weird shit. I had a terrifying experience on my last antidepressant and am so intensely scared it will happen again, not to mention just being off my current meds for 2 days makes me fully give up and see no point in trying to continue, so im imagining that + stress of trying new meds + whatever insane side effects + whatever weird effects my medical issues will cause x however many meds i have to try. Family is visiting tomorrow and i just dont want to join them but i have to. Id like to see them but im so uncomfortable around people when im going through a lot. I always pull away and keep to myself so i can get my thoughts together, think things through, figure it out and come to terms with things. Everyone tells me thats unhealthy though, and im not sure if it is. Im never totally isolated, i just need space and time alone to work it out, but im always told i should go to others and talk and get support. That makes me so uncomfortable and its upsetting to discuss it all, and i always feel so much worse after forcing myself to do that. Its hard to know if its healthy or not because many healthy things we have to do are very hard and unpleasant. I find myself back at the point of seeing an issue and needing to fix it to feel better, but having no solutions.
Situation/Trigger
Evening reflection Emotions/Feelings/Body Sensations & Intensity
Provoked 100
Resentful 85
headache, very tense and painful jaw, shallow controlled breathing, feel stuck in place Immediate Thoughts
Just had family over which was enough of a strain on its own given im always uncomfortable around people for long periods and ive been under stress so i want to be alone more than usual, but of course my dad had to get involved on top of that. 2 hours just listening to him boast about how he knows better about everything, how his tools are better than everyone elses, how hes so busy all the time with his projects, telling the same stories he tells everyone else who has the misfortune of stepping into the house. And its all bullshit and lies. Im in so much physical pain from restraining myself from calling him out. Im not doing it again. I want to see my family, as exhausting as that is for me, but i wont be part of it if hes there. Not anymore. I cant stand to be around him for even a minute nowadays. The more i listen, the more i realize that everything out of his mouth is either ‘im the best’ or ‘youre shit’ and im so fed up with him treating us like peasants its been hard to hold back from snapping at him.
Situation/Trigger
Morning reflection Emotions/Feelings/Body Sensations & Intensity
Pressured 80
Flustered 90
Overwhelmed 80
tense jaw, tense and painful neck, tense abdomen, nausea Immediate Thoughts
The pile of dishes in my kitchen is really overwhelming me today. I want to work on it but its one of those ‘where do i even start’ situations. Im starting to have a really hard time doing this therapy exercise more than once a day and im not sure what to do about it. It happens with every task i have to do every day or multiple times a day. I start out ready to take on the challenge and get through it and aiming for things to be better but after a couple months go by i just resent having to keep doing it. Brushing my teeth, feeding the cat, physiotherapy. I have the need to fix things and be done with them and get them off my list so i can feel unburdened and accomplished and when it comes to these repetitive unending tasks i just get so resentful that im doing the work again and again, day in and day out and im no closer to success or closure or achievement than i was on the first day. Im doing months of work and theres no reward at the end. I hate it.
Situation/Trigger
More shit falling apart Emotions/Feelings/Body Sensations & Intensity
Violated
Furious
Worthless
Disgusted
Hostile
so tense over my whole body that i cant stop shaking, nauseous, dizzy Immediate Thoughts
As if enough things in my life werent already blowing up… spent a few hours online trying to find any kind of sellers, traders, meet ups or anything similar for succulent/cactus people in my area to still come up with nothing that isnt hours away. And now… now they ban all vape flavoring aside from tobacco flavor. Why? Because people have no control of their children and the cops suck at enforcing the laws to prevent kids getting a hold of drugs. So now all the millions of canadians who were able to stop smoking get to go back to smoking to put money in the governments pockets, or wind up looking for black market flavors or trying to make their own and winding up poisoned or dead from unsafe products. If flavor is whats making all these kids vape, then i better see a ban on all flavors of alcohol as well, but i wont, because that would make the government less money not more. Millions of us paying the price for other peoples incompetence and greediness. I cant even find information if ill be able to legally buy flavor concentrates, and just post after post on how its not worth trying to make your own with the potential health risks. Now what? I have to choose between maybe poisoning myself and maybe giving myself cancer? Because you suck at stopping people from giving drugs to kids. I cant with this shit, i dont even know what to do with myself anymore. Nothing in my life is the slightest bit stable, i have no leg to stand on, nothing to rely on, no one to help me, and a government telling me over and over theyd really rather i just died so i wouldnt be in the way so much.
Situation/Trigger
Bedtime reflection Emotions/Feelings/Body Sensations & Intensity
Empty 100
Unmotivated 90
Defeated 95
heavy, slow, stiff from being tense Immediate Thoughts
Had a drink to quell the rage levels, havent found anything else that works for that yet. Just feels like im swept away in the tides now, no point in fighting it. If it wants to bash me on a rock, i cant stop it. If it wants to pull me under, i have no choice. Usually im a fighter, i do everything in my power and beyond to get what i want and what i deserve. Now… its like i finally see ive just been punching at rain. What the hell good is it to even swing my fist.
Situation/Trigger
Morning reflection Emotions/Feelings/Body Sensations & Intensity
Empty 90
Defeated 100
heavy, warm Immediate Thoughts
Not too much focus in my head today. Just thinking about trudging forward toward the nothing and wondering how im going to get through all of this. Stepped away from social interaction for the time being to give myself room to contemplate it all.
Situation/Trigger
Afternoon reflection Emotions/Feelings/Body Sensations & Intensity
Frustrated 80
Tired 60
Withdrawn 80 Immediate Thoughts
Still just overall feeling down but i had a productive start to my day. Now though its raining buckets outside which means i cant use any water because of how prone the house is to flooding, and it also means my dad is sitting here constantly pushing the button on an automatic pump just so he can pretend hes all powerful and saved us and we owe him everything. Not sure if christina will be able to get here for cleaning today, with how bad the weather is, but i kinda hope she cant. I dont feel up to seeing people and talking, and its not like theres much cleaning that can be done without water anyway. I just wanna zone out and do work on some stuff thats sitting around and keep to myself. And for my dad to stop running that loud-ass pump constantly instead of just letting it do its job.
Situation/Trigger
Afternoon reflection Emotions/Feelings/Body Sensations & Intensity
Concerned 50
Apathetic 75
Curious 30
wired, tense jaw, shaky Immediate Thoughts
Again not too much on my mind. Still feel like im going nowhere aside from more random things i like or rely on getting ruined, but have this weird energy to just get everything done anyway. Not enjoying the progress or achievements, just driven to do them because… i guess im supposed to. This is life most of the time, just doing things because theyre supposed to be done. Some odd signs on one of my plants but was told its not worrying, just needs more water, though im concerned regardless. Supposed to be trying malaysian food tonight so im wondering how that will be.
Stay strong it’s nice seeing your posts even if they arnt always about the best things in your life but it’s nice to see you hanging in there you been on my mind alot lately and I hope eventually you get time to properly take a break and we can hang out I miss ya but stay strong your a trooper and stronger then you give your self credit for some times
As of today, this exercise of regularly recording of my emotional state is over. I’m starting to get the hang of noticing emotions more, so i hope to keep that up on a mental level and may share some here if i really feel i need to write it out. In session today, we sort of uncovered a bit of why i have such trouble allowing myself emotions, breaks, compassion, etc being that as the youngest in my family, with a parent and older sibling who are self-serving, and with my mothers attention always on other children (she runs a daycare), whatever i wanted/needed/felt was never top of the list of importance. In my life, everyone else was always more important, and i still live that way now. One of those things thats obvious when it’s said, but was just never thought about before.
My next task in therapy is working on ‘unhelpful thinking habits’. Black/white thinking, catastrophizing, putting all blame on myself, shoulding… thinking that putting myself before others means im saying theyre unimportant… etc. I have some workbooks to go through tomorrow and will put updates here on whatever exercises are in there.
It seems im back to essentially the same exercises i had before that i really struggled with. Basically, recording thoughts and working on trying to see them from other perspectives. Feeling pretty scared to try this again because of how upsetting it was last time to be unable to do it. When i have my perspective, its pretty much stuck there no matter what i tell myself, and i just get angry with myself when im asked to try and change it and i cant. But… no matter how scared i am to try this again, i have to because i cant keep thinking like this with no control, so i have an exercise sheet set up to record and practice. Tomorrow ill work on laying out some good questions to ask myself to challenge my views, and hopefully have a chance to try it out (something not too intense preferably!)
Congratulations on getting to this point! What a huge step! That’s something we could all stand to learn more of.
As for being scared of going back to your old exercises, I understand that. Any time I consider taking a class for any reason, I feel a pit in my stomach and the sinking feeling of failing in college. What’s helped me is telling myself that things are different now. The courses, whatever they are, are different, and my future doesn’t depend on my success in them. I’m in a different mindset than I was then. I know the pitfalls, and can avoid them. On and on. Acknowledge the hesitation you’re feeling, then write down the reasons and ways it’s different this time. Good luck on your next steps!
So, first of three exercises to work on challenging and changing my thoughts. Posting my exercise sheet here today so you guys can see what questions im asking myself in this exercise (since theres quite a few questions, im not going to post them every time) and maybe ask yourself some of these too when youre finding yourself really emotional over a situation/trigger/event. In the past, i was sometimes able to see other viewpoints but it was near impossible to allow them to affect or sway my own, so round two here we go!
Situation
Home alone on pc, setting up this form Emotional/Physical Feelings
Apprehensive 80
Nervous 85
tense/painful jaw, shoulders high, unsettled Interpretation/Thought
Tried to do almost the same exercise before and failed miserably. Thinking about how that felt and don’t want to go through it again. I couldnt do it before, why would i be able to do it now? Alternative Viewpoints
Failure is an important part of success. Each time we fail we learn what not to do, which narrows down the remaining paths to take next time. It’s possible that this time I will find the right path and succeed at learning to have some control of my thoughts and emotions. Without fear, i would probably not even be in therapy and need to do this exercise cuz i wouldnt have had the same childhood and anxiety problems. My prediction of failure is based in the past. I have changed, learned, and worked on things that give me a better chance at success this time. I am not the only one at fault, i didnt raise myself to have these skewed viewpoints, and im doing my best to undo that damage.
Situation
Going over paperwork about moving into government housing Emotional/Physical Feelings
Worried 50
Overwhelmed 80
Nervous 90
fidgety, high shoulders, slow controlled breathing, tight and painful jaw Interpretation/Thought
Just looking at this paperwork is filling my head with a million things. So much to prepare, i dont have boxes to pack with, i dont have transportation aside from asking my mom to help with her car, how do i move a mattress in a small car, have to talk to neighbors when they show me a place to get real answers about the state of the building, worried theyre gonna be annoyed at me bothering them, what if they dont approve me for housing at all, im going to have no help when i have flare ups, going to be stressful dealing with whatever infestations happen while i live in these places. I’m scared to have to rely on myself more. Its bringing me face to face with my physical limits and making me really feel disabled. Im scared of the pain because i have no choice but to do more than i should. Alternative Viewpoints
Take these things one step at a time. Make a list if youre overwhelmed and take note of things that have deadlines, then spread it out evenly over your schedule. Someone who loved themselves would ask for help in this situation. Ignored positives: partial independence, separation from abuse, potentially quieter space, separation from hoarding.
