Just to start, I have battled with depression for the majority of my life. I have tried therapy, medication, shock treatment, hospitalization. I still battle. I am 50, so I think that puts me in a different category. There is no hope for me.
When is it okay to just say, forget it. I don’t matter anyway.
I will never find a job that treats me with any ounce of respect. I currently deal with sexual harassment, degrading remarks, no common courtesy… There is no way I can report any of this, if I ever WANT TO WORK AGAIN! The day I decide I will no longer be on this earth. I will show someone the sexual texts and emails my boss has sent me. Because then it won’t matter anymore. And yes, I have tried to find a new job. The past year did not help job hunting. This new year is not proving to be any better.
I will never find love. True love! It hurts so much to be abused over and over, and never know what I did that was so bad that I deserve it. How can a man tell you he loves over and over. Tell you that you are as perfect for him as he is going to find, for months! Then one day turn around and say he didn’t know what he was saying. That he wants something different. That I am good enough to have sex with, when he wants, but he just wants something different. To go on the dating apps, “looking for the real thing” only to come back to me and say all over again how I am as perfect as he is going to find. Then to start responding to woman on instagram, because they are beautiful and he “would be crazy not to want and desire them.” That hearing how wonderful he is from them makes him feel good. But when I tell him how I think he’s handsome or smart or fun to be with…he doesn’t like it because he doesn’t want me anymore.
I know block him, which I have, but the mental damage is done! The mental games he put me through have done their work. And I don’t even know which end is up anymore.
When you reach out to people, and all you hear is “you don’t need a man to make your life complete” or “love yourself first, no one will love you if you don’t love yourself” or my favorite “there must be a reason you are single/alone, God has a plan for you.” These same people post how their spouse is there rock, and they don’t know what they would do if they did not have them. That tells me…I don’t deserve love. I don’t deserve to know what it feels like to mean something to someone I care about. To be wanted. To be cherished. Just simply to be loved, by the man I love, because I matter to him.
I do not want to be here anymore. I don’t matter. I am 50 years old, a waste of space.
Hey @ScoobyinWY
Thank you so much for being here and sharing your story with us. Depression is such a hard battle and I can imagine it has most definitely taken it’s toll having had to fight it for so very long. It sounds like you have tried everything to fight it and it has just continued to pile up. I can imagine you must feel pretty hopeless right now.
I want to say, that no matter how hopeless you feel or how pointless seeking help and fighting for yourself may seem, you matter. You always always matter. Depression has a way of constantly feeding us lies and warping the way we view ourselves. It tells us we are unlovable, we deserve the pain we are experiencing, no one truly cares and there just isn’t a point anymore. I can tell you though, none of that is true.
The environment you are enduring at work is one you should never have to tolerate and I am so sorry that has been a reality for you. The lack of respect and blatant harassment takes its toll and makes it that much harder to remember that you are worth it. You are worthy of love, respect, support and care. Finding employment before COVID was hard enough and it has absolutely become much more difficult because of the pandemic.
When people abuse others, that is not reflective ever of the ones being abused. That is a reflection of them and what they carry. You are innocent in the abuse you experienced. None of what happened regarding that relationship that you stated was right or healthy and I am sorry that was your experience. How very hurtful and heartbreaking that must have been. Know that regardless of who you are in a relationship with, what job you hold or even how others treat you, you have worth and you have value. No one can take that from you. We all love you and care so very much for you.
I can see what a strong and courageous person you are. It takes so much strength to fight for yourself and try so many different things to help manage your depression. When trial after trial doesn’t seem to be giving the results we hope for, hopelessness creeps in and surrounds us making it hard to see any possibility of things every changing or getting better. However, you have an entire community here that would love to come alongside you and support you as best we can through this. We do truly believe in you. You matter, you are heard and you are loved.
Hold Fast,
Hannah Rhodes
Hannah,
Thank you for responding. I wish I felt like I mattered. I wish I was enough.
I was molested by my mother’s boyfriend as a child. I was held at gunpoint by some boys, as a teen, and told I didn’t deserve to live. The boy pulled the trigger, there was no bullet. Then he said I wasn’t even worth a bullet.
I have so many words, pictures, memories haunting my head.
My ex, told me I wasn’t a survivor. Because I still get hurt by my memories.
I want to be normal. At 50 years old, I just finally want to be normal. I want to be enough.
Hey @ScoobyinWY,
I’m so sorry to hear about your battles that are wearing you out and making you feel like you are not deserving of being loved combined with all of the relationship challenges that you have faced in the past casting doubt over the future. Thank you for sharing with us, I know it takes a lot to open up like this and we appreciate and hear you.
You matter, your very existence matters, you are not a waste of space. There are a lot of things that we do on almost a daily basis that drives impact in the lives of others, even if it is just a smile for someone in a difficult day at work. I believe that you have impacted many people over the years in a positive way and have grown leaps and bounds throughout the years on a personal level. You are strong, you are worth it, you are valuable, you are loved.
I’m so sorry to hear about your work situation, the behavior that you mentioned from your boss with the harassments, is not only unprofessional, but really hurtful as well. Does your company have an HR department or someone that you can contact where you could perhaps anonymously bring this up to help aid in the improvement of the situation for you? Perhaps exploring your options to break out of the harassment cycle is something worth considering.
I know relationships can hurt and it will take some time to recover, just make sure that you take it a day at a time and find yourself again through the pain that has been inflicted by the mental games. Don’t let the mental games define who you are or what your self worth should be. Get lost in something you like doing, or even pick up something you always wanted to try out and focus on some self care while you work through the emotions.
While no one has a way to see into the future, I want to tell you that you are lovable, that you deserve love, that you deserve the relationship that you want to have. You are worthy of unconditional love, you are wanted. As a start, we are happy that you are here with us and chose to share your feelings with us, we love you for that already and it means a lot to us that you are here.
Stay strong and please let us know how we can assist you through this tough time you are going through. Stay strong.
Am I crazy?
Is it normal for a 54 year old man to have half nude pictures of his step-daughter’s best friend , who is 23, on his phone. Because she is constantly getting boudoir picture taken and posts them all over her Facebook page?
Is it normal for a man to like getting messages from instagram women, that are scammers wanting money, and he likes that they “adore” him so much. Or that he actually goes into thinking it might be real, but then say it’s just a game.
Am I wrong for telling him that it hurts me that he likes those women, when I am a real woman right in front of him? He tells me it doesn’t matter because we are not in a relationship. That it should not hurt me. That him wanting to spend time with me one day, and the next day he doesn’t want me anymore because he has this woman from instagram now. One day he spends the evening shopping with me, then at his place all night watching TV. And one day he wants me as just a friend and then another day he just wants me for sex.
My head is swimming with all these thoughts that I just can’t control.
I feel like I am insane! I feel like I will never be whole or normal.
Hey! This is johnsbrisketlegday from insta (please excuse the name lol).
So, hey sure, most of the guys we support and talk to on this platform are younger - I’m 33 and I’m old for this demo! ha. But first I have to say that the category of people we help her are people that need help. So you’re in the right place.
I hesitate to tell what “is” and “isn’t” ok. What I’m hearing is that you feel like you don’t matter, and you’re carrying a heavy burden, that you’ve been carrying for a while, that you would like to put down. And, it feels like you’re trapped. The people you work with are abusive, but with COVID the job market is tight. And, romantically you’ve tried many times to find someone, and people have just let you down over and over - and that maybe you’re starting to believe that you don’t matter or that somehow maybe you deserve it. I’m glad you did block the abusive person that was trying to say these things to you.
I’m not going to use any of the phrases you put up above because I hate all of them. They sound like cliche, overused, stale advice that you’ve already tried. For me to say, “Just trust God” is a wild invalidation of how you feel - and it would show that I’m not listening to you, I’m just telling you what I think (and I’m a Pastor! ha).
I hear you, and I validate everything you’re saying, and I’m not going to try and give you “advice” - I’m 33. You have a wealth of life experience that I can’t measure up to.
What I can do is tell you that even when you don’t believe you matter, we do. Sure, we’re random people on the internet. But I want this to be a starting place for you - to show that you opened up to strangers on the internet, and they said “You matter and you’re worth my time.”
You replied to Hannah above - “I wish I felt like I mattered.” Let’s start there. You see that other people carry a sense of self-worth and self-love and things like that, and you know you were made to have that too. What’s standing on the way of that? What is telling you that “you don’t matter?”
To move forward, you’ve answered that above. Your past, people around you, people at your work have been telling you your whole life “You don’t matter.”
What would it look like to fight back? What would it look like to take back what is yours - your identity?
I am first going to say…sorry this is so long!
John,
A little back story. When I was a senior in HS, I was in a relationship with a boy and we had made a plan. We were both joining the service and we were going to get married after graduation from our respective boot camps. I had joined the Marines and he joined the Navy. We both did this in February of 1989. After everything that I had been through as a child and middle of my high school years…I was finally looking forward to who I was becoming. My mom was so proud to tell everyone her daughter was going to be a Marine. I felt a deep, grounded force of “finally.” I am going to be whole, I am going to worth something!
Two weeks before graduating from high school, I found out I was 8 weeks pregnant. “What had I done?” I had ruined everything. My boyfriend was so upset. He took me to Planned Parenthood to discuss abortion. I did not want that, but he said I couldn’t ruin both of our lives with this (I had previously written “their” because it was actually his dad’s words.) The people at Planned Parenthood tried to help me talk to him, that I didn’t want. I went to my Staff Sergeant (Staff Sergeant Trail {I’ll never forget his name}), and told him I was pregnant. I remember the disappointed look in his eyes. He asked me what I wanted to do. I told him I wanted to keep it. He said that limited my options. Basically I was discharged.
The day after graduating from high school, my boyfriend came over to my apartment. We went for a swim in the pool. We came back inside. He told me he didn’t love me anymore. I had gotten fat (which I was 100 pounds at the time) and he just wanted out. He left.
The next day I miscarried. It was an all day process. I went through the labor, just to give “birth” to a large clump of blood. I went to the hospital to be talked at how if I would just use my head and not be a dumb teenager, I wouldn’t have been in this predicament.
A couple days later, I went back to Staff Sergeant Trail and asked if I could re-enlist. We talked for about an hour. He told me that I just wasn’t in the right mental spot for it.
I had absolutely lost everything! I wasn’t going to be anything now. I was nothing. Not going to be a Marine, not going to be a wife, not going to be a mother. I was nothing. I was worth nothing.
I had a friend in Texas, so I went to live with her. I don’t remember a lot from that summer. Because I was basically in a drunken daze from the minute the plane landed until I went back home to AZ in October.
I have no idea what my identity is. I did finally become a mom (3 - 3 different fathers each one abusive in their own way, physical and mental.) I am a grandma now, to two kids that I don’t get to see because my daughter has her own mental struggles.
But what is my identity. I don’t even know. For me I use the term “Jack of all trades, Master of none.” Because I can do many things. I am afraid to really be anything, because I am so damn afraid it will get stripped from me if I start to love and enjoy it.
I’ve read this post several times, and I would like to encourage you to spend some time on learning about boundaries, and boundary issues. I don’t think you’re crazy, but I think that people have hurt you repeatedly, and that because this has happened so much, you feel that is all you deserve.
NOTHING COULD BE MORE WRONG.
Being in a relationship, is not the same as being loved and loving.
Maybe determining what a loving relationship would look like to you, and how YOU want to be loved is a place to start. The pain of this, must be intense for you, as I feel that the longing for a loving relationship is driving you to accept what can only hurt you. I do understand, and do empathize, but I hope you realize the only person you can change is yourself. Everyone else, if you can’t accept them, or if they can’t accept you, you must let go. And it will hurt, sometimes deeply.
Peace
Hey no worries - long posts are what we do here!
I don’t blame you at all for the way you feel. If those things had happened to me, I think that I would feel the same way.
Let’s say you could define yourself whoever you want. That only you can define your purpose and why you’re here. If that were true, who would you say you are? (It might feel scary trying again, but if you could dream with no consequences, who would you be?)
@gnuone Thank you. I think that is something that I have so much trouble controlling. I know I am responsible for myself & my actions. I take responsibility for what I have done. If I hurt someone, I apologize, with words and actions. Through abuse I have found that many things I apologized for, were definitely not something I did wrong. I just apologized simply for being me. For not being good enough.
I struggle with when do they have to take responsibility for their actions. I struggle with walking away from knowing I will never get a true apology or answer for all the abuse.
I struggle so much with letting go. Because it hurts so much that even though they mattered so much to me, I never mattered to them.
Just typing that rips my soul wide open and so much hurt comes rushing in.
@HS_John
I had many plans growing up. Being molested made me appear older, more mature to those around me. I looked at things differently. Friends would come to me with their “problems” and I would help them by simply listening or even giving advice if they asked. I was a young therapist. So for the longest time I thought I would make it my career.
I actually started drinking at a young age (11.) My mom had liquor in the house, and she was never home. And it was just me there all the time. So it helped to take the demons away.
After I was held at gunpoint. I was not sure what to do anymore. I couldn’t talk myself out or drink myself away from the demons.
My plan was to join the military, working my way to military police, and getting into law enforcement when I got out of the military. I wanted to help people! Because no one helped me.
I don’t want anyone to end up like me! Old, alone, afraid, wanting to die…simply because nothing has seemed to work.
I want to be sure no child/teen ever gets so lost and so deep in the pit…they lose themselves forever.
I don’t even know if that is actually an answer to your question. I’m sorry.
I am so sorry you have experienced such sever trauma as that. No one should be subjected to that. You most certainly ARE a survivor. Just because you still experience hurt from those memories doesn’t mean you are not a survivor nor does it mean you are weak, don’t matter or are not enough. Traumatic experiences shatter our worldview and our view of ourselves. It makes it hard to find worth in ourselves, but you are enough. You always have been and I am so sorry you were ever made to believe you weren’t.
Some days may feel ok but the next day or even the next moment those memories of those traumatic events come back to the surface and that is ok and quite normal. It is a normal reaction to a not normal experience. Trauma of any kind is not normal so we can’t expect ourselves to be 100% all the time. That is the nature of trauma unfortunately but it says nothing about who you are or your strength and it certainly does not define you.
I know you mentioned going to therapy regarding depression, but have you seen someone who specializes in trauma?
@Hannah2911
I recently tried a therapist that does EMDR therapy. It did help with the molestation. I used to get sucked into episodes of it happening all over again. With the EMDR I was able to stop those.
With COVID and money restraints. I was not able to continue.
I hope to find a new therapist that offers it or even see if I can get back with my old therapist, and I can keep it up.
I wanted to say thank you all who have responded. Thank you for taking the time to listen. Thank you for hearing me. It means more than you can truly understand!
I am tired of feeling like I am crazy. Like I am worthless. The weight of feeling like I don’t matter has pushed me to the very edge.
That’s great to hear! I am glad EMDR was helpful to you! COVID really hasn’t made anything any easier but I am hopeful you will be able to continue EMDR and or go back to your old therapist. It seemed very helpful!
I wish I could tell you’ll get an apology, or some sense of your own back, but I really doubt you’ll ever get an apology or any show of remorse from these people.
Remember we have no control of anyone but ourselves. If their words or actions are hurting you, and they won’t change their behavior, will you continue to be abused and hurt in the hope that some day it will be different? Letting go is hard, it’s very hard. Try to think of what you’re giving up, is it the loving relationship you want, or is it being with someone. In relationships that don’t work, it is really our hopes and dreams, so to speak, that we’re letting go of, our hope and dreams for love. The person we’re with, he or she just represents that hope and dream in physical form, and we tie or hopes and dreams to them.
The dream of love is a beautiful dream, and forever is a very long time. If your relationships don’t represent your idea of love, then how far afield from the love you seek are you willing to go? What if you thought about the relationship you want, compared to the one you have, how does it look to you.
I do not believe abuse is a substitute for love. I know you’re hurting, and in pain right now, and I hope that you’ll take a moment today to do something really special for you. Be kind to yourself, you’ve had enough people being unkind, be gentle, and be careful of thinking of today, as being forever, it’s not. Hug
I saw a meme recently that said, “Why should you be sad? You lost someone that didn’t love you, but they lost someone that loved them.”
I have found out about trauma bonding. And it’s what the past two men have put me through.
It’s detoxing from them.
I was able to break free from a 9 year cycle of abuse, only because the feelings of high were not there anymore. His “love bombing” was not making me feel elated or hopeful anymore. I was able to break free (mainly because he found new supply) but I wasn’t there when that new supply fell through.
With this last man, the love bombing was just very recent. He has new supply, and I am fighting everything in my mind and body to NOT be there for him when this one falls through. For whatever reason, I do care for him.
You asked about my idea of love. The love I want is what my grandparents had. A love that I don’t think exists anymore. Too many hurt people, continuing to hurt more people.
you are normal. It’s just the people around you who are abnormal in a bad way.
Once real love exists, It never eases existing. The love your grandparents had DOES STILL EXIST.
I
Well, it seems to exist in you, but it’s also you who are accepting less than what you want. No judgement. I want you to ‘hear’ your own words.
It is a double-edged sword, so I feel for you I truly do, if you say no… then it’s being alone, and lonely. If you say yes, then it is hit and miss, pain and pleasure. It all starts with you, and what you really want. But here’s the thing, you’re aware, you’re able to express and explain how you feel about being loved. That’s really good. If you should stay in this relationship for awhile longer, don’t beat yourself up. What you’re going through is extremely difficult. Please try very hard to give yourself a break.
Trying to align what is reality to what is life, is as tough as it gets if you ask me. But we have to start with what is, and then check in with what we want, it’s not the other way around. What we want does not come first, it is reality that is always in front of us, but we do have the power to change our reality. It is our choice.
Peace