I have a bunch of things wrong and I feel like there’s no way out because I cannot change the circumstances. I have trauma from abuse from family members, some incidents that are too difficult to even talk about because I’m embarrassed by them. I wonder how my future husband or someone in my life would think about me being blamed and mistreated by my own family and think that they wouldn’t even want to be with me.
It feels like I’m in a loop because the depression and trauma affect me negatively which makes it hard for me to build a support network, which I feel I need since my mom died and I hardly have anyone to turn to.
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I just read your post and I felt like we share a similar life.
I know how damaging abuse from family can be, and what it’s like to lose family. I think that keeping these things to yourself and trying to hide away can be so lonely. I also didn’t think anyone would accept me.
This isn’t about me sorry, but I want you to know that you’re not alone. It’s hard and can be scary to have to talk to someone about everything you never asked for that happened to you.
You didn’t deserve what happened to you and you don’t deserve the guilt that comes with it.
Man i wish I had accepted that sooner.
Like the blame that your family placed on you isn’t okay. It’s not your fault.
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It was my dad. He blamed me for being abused and said I had an equal part in it. It was hurtful and it’s still hurtful when I think about it. I had a wonderful mom but my dad was and is abusive. Idk why they can’t just be normal and decent.
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Hello there,
I want you to know that none of this is your fault. Sometimes, people want to find someone to blame so they can continue their way of living and causing pain to others. I can relate to this post so much because this was my childhood. My dad was bitter due to not having certain dreams come true and seeing others having similar dreams come true turned him into an angry person. My mom was my safe space and continues to be that for me, but I have also realized I need to find other points of comfort and safety and light when she does eventually pass from this life.
I hope you have someone you can talk to and it might be helpful to find a professional to talk through all of these things. Take it one day at a time. Find joy in each day. Create moments of peace for yourself. You deserve it. You are strong. You are valid. You are enough. You matter.
-StarFox 
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From: Mamadien
I’m glad you are here at HS and I’m so sorry for the abuse you’ve had to experience. It can be very very hard to talk about what has been done to us. Just know that what has been done to you is not your fault. You didn’t cause it and you sure didn’t and don’t deserve it. It doesn’t matter what your father tells you, you didn’t make him do this to you. Please know that this is a safe place to share should you feel able to do so and want to. No one will judge you for what someone else forced on you. I do have one question - have you sought help from a counselor for dealing with the trauma you’ve been through? Having a safe space with a trained professional can really help, especially since you have also lost your mom. Please keep us updated on how you are doing my friend. You are worth more than you realize and you deserve the opportunity to have your own family and the life you desire.
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From: ᏒᎧᏕᎥᏋ
Hi Friend, I’m so sorry that your father is abusive. I want you to know that abuse is not the victim’s fault at all. Your father made his choices all by himself and that’s all there is too it. You are NOT to blame at all. Have you thought about therapy for your trauma? If you’re in a depression loop perhaps talking to a therapist might help you. You could get the proper diagnosis and treatment if needed. You are loved and you matter! ~Mystrose
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From: Lisalovesfeathers
Hi Friend, Thank you so much for this post, it has been a few days since you posted this , I am so very sorry that you are having such a hard time. I would like to first say that you now have a network right here at heartsupport that you can lean on anytime you wish, we are here to support, listen and lean on anytime you need it. You are not in anyway responsible for any abuse that you have recieved at anyone hands. If someone chooses to hurt you it is on them and them alone. Of course it has affected you negatively it is bound to have, when you are hurt it causes scars but those scars can heal with time and with help. Do you have any support beyond your family? do you have a therapist? would you be able to talk to your doctor about how you are feeling? I understand it can be difficult but it would make a massive difference if you could make that leap and open up, you would only have to do it the first time once after that its done, we of course would support you all we can. I hope that you can find that in you and I hope that with that, things will begin to improve and in the meantime please believe that you are a very special and important person in this world that deserves to be treated as such. You are worthy of so much more . Much Love Lisalovesfeathers. xx
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Hello Bohobobo,
thank you for reaching out to us. This is very hard and you are strong in my eyes.
You took a step by posting here, we support you.
It is not your fault what happened to you. A therapist or something in that direction would be
something that might help. I hope you find or have some friends you can open up to.
Start with being proud or yourself, you can.
You deserve everything good in this world. We care about you.
Feel hugged my friend and have a nice day
Greetings
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From: susieqzz
I’m so sorry, it sounds like such a manipulative situation. The abuse that took place was most definitely not your fault at all. Contrary to what your father says, you did not have a part in the abuse he did. That’s like saying you deserved it, and I cannot ever imagine telling a child that they deserve abuse.
Sometimes we will never get the closure we seek from abusers, especially parent figures. They will never see the fault in their actions and will always point the finger the other way.
It’s hard to continue on our path in life with the trauma lingering there, but you are worthy of love and respect and a meaningful life despite what you have gone through. You will find someone who will love all sides of you and accept you for who you are.
Also please know that you have found a solid support system here! We will love and accept you as who you are. We are here for you!
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From: Dr Hogarth 
Hi Bobohobo,
I’m so glad you reached out here, if only so I could tell you that what happened to you is in no way your fault. A future partner or friend would never see what happened to you as something you should feel guilt or shame about. I understand from personal experience how hard it can be to tell someone about abuse; it feels like an imposition and like you’re burdening someone with that information. In truth though, that is just the shame that many survivors of abuse feel as a result of what has happened to them.
I completely understand what you mean about depression making building a support network feel impossible. It makes us want to push the rest of the world away, which then makes the depression feel worse. Have you ever tried going to group support or therapy sessions? They can be a good way to meet people who have gone through similiar trauma who could potentially be a support group.
I know it’s not easy; I wish no one had to be alone going through what you’re going through. No one should have to be. All I can say as a stranger on the internet is that I can feel some of what you’re going through and I wish I could do more.
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Hey @Bobohobo,
Thank you so much for sharing all of this here, for your vulnerability. Opening up about your traumas, the complexity of how it makes you feel and the fear it creates is such an important step. I’m so proud of you for choosing to speak up beyond the embarrassment, and any other barrier that consequences of trauma can create in our mind.
I also carry traumas from a parent - my mom -, and it would have been hard to believe that I would actually live with someone one day and have a stable relationship as an adult. During my teenage years I felt way too broken and didn’t see any future for myself. But I’m 29 now and living with my fiancee. It’s been almost 12 years of love, care and respect for each other. It’ snot a “success” story that is just from someone out there. It is, really, something that can happen to you too. Because your traumas are not going to condition your future. Healing from these is a long and slow process, but along the way we can also meet wonderful people who contribute to our healing, who help us build healthy relationships again, and realize that not everyone is meant to hurt us in this world.
What your dad was absolutely wrong. In a situation of abuse between a parent and a child, there is one abuser and one victim. There is nothing in what you could have said or done that would ever justify his behavior towards you. Managing his emotions, deciding to face his own demons, dealing with eventually his own traumas was part of his responsibility, as a human being and even more as a parent. By saying this to you, your dad is minimizing his responsibility, which is unfortunately what abusers often do once they are invited to face the consequences of their actions. It’s a situation that generates a lot of pain, but what is sure is that you are not responsible. It was not your fault, it will never be. Whether your dad is able to assume his responsibility, is a process of his own and something that is about him. But the reality can’t be distorted. It was not your fault.
Please know we are here to support you. To listen, even silently if you prefer to not receive responses. What you’ve been through must be so heavy to carry just on your own. One day will be the right time for you to share, start to free yourself and heal. We are here. We will be here. You have friends in this community and there won’t ever be any judgment.
Your traumas don’t define you. You are not broken. If you need help building some support network, maybe we can strategize some ways to help you here find the right resources. What are the current obstacles that make it hard to find resources? Do you feel like therapy could be an option for you for example?
You’re loved. 
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It is hard having to go through all of that, I cannot even imagine. You have my condolences for the loss of your mother. But even if you feel all alone in the world, you are not.
I believe your future husband or friends/colleague would not judge you for your past, if they love you and care about you. None of this is your fault, you cannot be blamed for something other people do. Their actions are their own responsibilities.
Depressions can really paralyse you, I know that from my own experiences. That doesn’t mean though you should give up. Sometimes help is just a phone call away.
I don’t believe that you are completely powerless. I am sure there is always something that can be done to change your current situation for the better. Don’t give up! You could try therapy for example, if the abuse is still ongoing you could contact places that can get you help. It is not hopeless!
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Thank you for your words and support. I know it’s not my fault but it hurts to have someone so close to me think that way and basically victim blame me.
One of the obstacles to building a support network is idk where to go to do that. I’m not a part of any communities and have almost no friends irl. I’m on social media pages trying to find friends in my area but I’m too afraid to post and try to meet people because I’m worried I’ll let them down by not wanting to do what they want or they’ll let me down.
Regarding therapy; yes, I have considered it but I currently work 2 jobs and have almost no time to do it. I’m trying to save up money so it’s like a balancing act of what is the most important thing.
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Very sympathize with your situation… Have you tried to communicate with a therapist?
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No, not about this, and i don’t think a therapist would help. I work 2 jobs so I don’t have time to go to therapy right now.
Having been in a similar situation not very many years ago, blaming myself for abuse and thinking that “no partner would want me bc I was too stupid to even notice I was being abused,” I’d like to offer the encouragement that someone who actually loves and respects you will not think less of you for having been abused. They’ll blame the one who is at fault: the abuser. Actually, I’ve met several people, including my wonderful husband, who [for some reason] think higher of me because I’ve survived so much. I still don’t get it because I sure don’t feel stronger and it’s not like I acquired super powers or anything. But anyway.
It really does hurt to be treated poorly by someone who’s supposed to care about you. It’s also okay to be sad or mad or whatever emotion you have about it. Since you’re considering therapy, I hope you’re able to make it work with your schedule and finances. I think even somewhat infrequent sessions could ease some of the burdens you’re carrying. Also, you mentioned feeling embarrased. Just know that even if in therapy or even within close relationships, you’re never forced to talk about specific things you’ve been through. You don’t need to be embarrased by them because they weren’t your fault and you’re not alone, but it’s okay if you are and aren’t ready or never want to discuss them. They’re in the past and what has happened to you doesn’t define you. Any decent therapist or friend will understand that.
One more thing, since you didn’t mention knowing a therapist yet, maybe finding one who’s trauma-focused would be beneficial to you? At least in my experience they’ve been more patient and quick to back off if they accidentally question or push too far or too soon. You got this!
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My thoughts are what would be the point of going to therapy if I’m just going to be abused in some of the same ways again. I want to be clear, it probably won’t be in exactly the same ways as I don’t live with the abuser, but I still sometimes have to have contact with them so what if I’m abused again. It seems worse to go to therapy, do work to get better, and then be abused again.
I’ve been to a few therapists and some have not been helpful. I’m worried there is no good ones in my state. Once I had a therapist who had one session and then quit seeing clients because it was her supplemental job. I feel that was so unethical.
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Don’t put yourself in situations where you are alone with them. If you have to see them in person, bring a friend with you or meet them in public. Use the phone to communicate with them. If they say things to you that you don’t like, hang up.
Finding the right therapist can be hard sometimes and it can be frustrating. A therapist who specializes in trauma will teach you coping skills and I think that is pretty important.
The skills and techniques learned in therapy to help heal from abuse also can help prevent you from being abused again. Plus your therapist might have specific suggestions or be able to practice conversations with you when you know youll be in a situation with an abuser. Obviously you or therapy can’t change the other person, but it can change the way you respond to them. Also therapy could help so that even further abuse doesn’t affect you the same way. Kind of like preventing additional trauma.
For example, my first 4 years of therapy I was still very connected to one of my primary abusers, my mother, and I even lived with her for 2 years of that. While my therapists probably wished for me to reduce my contact with her during that time, they respected my stubborn desire to maintain a relationship with her and spend time with her frequently. The work we did on learning to respect myself and the need for boundaries probably helped the most in terms of how I responded. Instead of letting her walk all over me, I started standing up for myself a little bit. I became more comfortable changing subjects or keeping certain topics off limits. For my reactions to her continued abuse, I learned to apply logic to what she said before taking it to heart. I also learned that some of the things she said weren’t worth getting emotional over.
I did eventually end up realizing that I’m better off not exposing myself to my mother’s toxicity and I cut off contact with her several years ago. That’s not the goal of therapy though. The therapist will help you decide what you want to do, and if that involves staying in touch with someone toxic, they will do the best to help you thrive in that situation.
I would suggest however that you consider whether reduced or no contact would be something that you could do, even for a while, or if it’s something that would be of benefit to you. Even if you don’t think it’s feasible at this moment, perhaps it could be a longer term goal to work toward with a therapist. After you’ve really considered it as an option, I think you can make a better decision overall. I say that because for myself, I thought it completely impossible at first, but looking back, I could (and should) have reduced contact much sooner if I had gotten past my own assumptions that she relied on me.
I’m sorry the therapists you’ve worked with thus far haven’t been good for you. The one-session then cancel thing seems sketch. I’m glad you didn’t get stuck with a half-hearted counselor for longer though. Keep trying, it may be hard and take some time, but I’m sure there’s a good counselor somewhere who will be able work with you. Psychology Today has been a good resource for me to find who I need and who’s nearby. Though I also have to cross check with the list from my insurance. Finding someone appropriate for me who is covered has been my pain in the neck. But that’s another story. Also maybe you could try someone further away but online? It depends on the states and the license whether they can have a patient across state lines, but could be worth a shot. Or maybe even going to a different area of your state would be enough.
I did use a phone the last time I communicated with him and he verbally abused me through the phone. I don’t think it’s accurate to say that someone puts themselves in situations where they’re abused. Any situation can be abusive. You could be walking down the street tomorrow and hypothetically someone could punch you. You didn’t put yourself in that situation.
I don’t have a friend that could go with me. I barely have any real friends. It all is just so bad and it seems like I have nothing to hold onto.