I'm Alone, Broken, and Losing Hope

if you mean as a friend, then you just found that person :slight_smile:

would you like to be friends, Jedi? :slight_smile:

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Of course I’d want to be friends!

To be clear though, I was talking more romantic love though haha. I’m for sure the romantic type and finding love is the most important thing to me. One day, I hope. I really really fucking hope

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Hi @JediSurvivor

Thanks for your reply. I look forward to them.

Are you excited for new years? What do you do on New Years? Has your parents ever done the New years thing in Times Square?

Eldin ring makes me think of Lord of the Rings. Is that what the game is based on? Aah scrap mechanic sounds so familiar? What is it again, refresh my memory?

Physics sounds very hard. So good luck with that and be very proud of yourself that you are one of the lucky ones who can do it and pass lol

Have you thought of having a notebook that you write down ideas and plans for your future game programming? Might come in handy one day.

How did it go wearing your college hoodie at school lol?

Sorry stuff is going on with your family. Unfortunately it’s part of life going through patches where families have issues. It’s very sad though. It sounds like u have a lot of family?

My family lives in the UK sadly.

I’m so glad you got the headphones. What make are they? Did u get anything else and do your parents do a Christmas stocking with chocolate for you? I must say I had a lovely Christmas. My son came for a visit for coffee and I’ve only seen him once in 3 years. So it was wonderful.

It’s strange how u do school through December. When do u have your break? Is it like a week during Christmas?

How are things with your parents?

How was therapy?

Do you still take your fur friend for walks? Where’s my pic of him ?

Your friend in Poland. Do you ever video call? Have u got other online friends?

Do you like Formula 1?

What’s your most favourite thing that you have done in life? And what’s your best memory in life so far?

And… how are you feeling ? Is life still looking more hopeful?

Chat soon.

Much love and hugs.

@JediSurvivor Sometimes when we least expect it love and friendship finds us in places we weren’t looking. Keep holding onto hope. You have got this remember and one day you will share how it tapped you on the shoulder and how great everything turned out.
Much love and hugs

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We went to a comedy show. It was really really good. The comedian’s name is Anthony Rodia. 2nd time seeing him, he’s just awesome. We don’t go to times square because like, its a terrible experience haha. You have to stand there for hours and freeze and its just…so overrated lol

Elden Ring is pretty unique. I think it was written by the Game of Thrones guy though. Not sure 100% on that.

Its really hard to pass to be honest.

Maybe, it depends. It really depends what company I end up working for.

I didn’t get in trouble because its not breaking the rules, it was just a personal thing out of spite lol.

Yes, we have a decently big family but well, when it gets cut in half…its hard.

Razer headphones. They’re great. Razer BlackShark V2 to be exact. We don’t do stockings, but, yeah, I got some other clothes and stuff, but the main things were the headphones, Elden Ring, and a preorder of Jedi Survivor. March 17th needs to be like…tomorrow.

A week during Christmas exactly.

Things with my parents are okayish I guess. I don’t know. It depends day to day I guess. Therapy is going alright as well I guess.

Yes, I do. I need to get the pictures, but, I respond all the time on my PC. I’ll get it eventually haha. I do still take him out.

I don’t videocall with my friend in Poland, but we text almost every day. I have another friend in Germany, and another in the Netherlands. Very nice people. Its just hard with the timezone gap and such.

I never got into racing unfortunately, but there’s a massive overlap between racing fans and battlebots fans haha.

Probably getting my third degree black belt in Tae Kwon Do. That training process and test were really fucking hard, but, I wouldn’t trade those memories for the world. Testing and the leadup to it are so much hard work, but its so worth it.

Honestly…not great. Its still bad. I’m still really lonely and I still really wish I had a significant other. It was especially hard with the holidays being so alone. Some days are worse than others. But, its still really bad and I just feel broken. I mean, I’ve always felt like there was a part of me missing because of how important finding this type of love is to me, but, it just feels like the pain of it is getting worse and worse as time goes on. And I’m losing hope that it will ever happen, which, is crazy because I’m in high school, but, it just feels so awful to have failure after failure after failure in the thing that’s most important to me. I mean, I can’t even get a girl to give me a chance and just go on a date, nevermind see if it could actually work out. It feels like I’m going to get nothing but rejection for the rest of my life, and that feeling is horrible. And a lot of people don’t understand it and just say “oh well, you can’t complain about your life because you get good grades and this and that”. But, what most people don’t understand is that things like that mean less when the actual most important goal in your life has been nothing but failure. So, I absolutely do feel like a failure even if I’m not failing classes or whatever, because I’m doing nothing but fail at the most important thing to me…


Hi @JediSurvivor

Happy New Year! How was your new years? What did you do?

Anthony Rodia is funny. I googled him. What theatre did u see him at? Do you go with your parents?

Ok lol I hear u about Times Square. Maybe it would be nice to see it from a window inside a place that is at least warm and I’m sure it would look better from a higher view.

What happened with your family? It’s so hard when there is a split. Life is too short for family dramas. Families are meant to be together not apart. Sadly not everyone agrees. Do you have any cousins you could hang out with that you get along with?

Razor headphones. I googled and they look cool, fancy gaming ones. I’m glad you got the ones you wanted. Yay about the pre-order of Jedi Survivor. Before you know it March is here and you are playing it. Times goes by quickly. I looked and it’s only available for a PC? Is that right? I thought it would be available for other gaming platforms?

I’m glad to hear things are ok-ish with your parents and therapy. Ok-ish is way better than terrible so it’s still a good thing at least. Do you ever do sessions with your parents or is it only sessions with just you and the therapist?

That’s cool though you have friends in other countries. Are they gamers too? Yes time zone can be a mission. So I googled….where would we be without good old google. SA is 7 hours ahead so while I am having breakfast you are have lunch. Hope you are having a good lunch lol. What did u have for lunch?

When does it snow in NYC. Yes I can Google but I would rather hear it from you.

What is your favourite season?

Do you swim? Do you have a pool? Is there a place nearby you can swim a few laps everyday. It will help you a lot.

Who do you want to see in concert one day? Imagine Dragons is coming to SA in Feb.

Have u been to see your Statue of Liberty?

Aah that’s an awesome memory and accomplishment. When did u get your third degree black belt in TKD? I hope you are really proud of what u have accomplished in TKD so far. Do your parents ever watch your tournaments? You must have a lot of medals? If u do send a pic so I can see.

I’m really sorry it’s been tough especially with the holidays. I know it’s not the same but not having a sibling must be very hard? They at least keep you distracted. How do you feel about not having a sibling?

Loneliness is terrible and I really understand. It’s one of those chapters you will get through. Remember this too shall pass. I know it’s hard to believe but you just got to keep on believing and having hope no matter how tough things get. You know with perseverance comes great things. I look forward to the day when we can celebrate you finished high school.
Going to college and being able to be more independent in the world is going to be such a great thing and remember you will be with like minded people, which hopefully will produce better results in relationships.
And don’t be hard on yourself about high school. It’s an environment where the perception of how others see themselves will differ greatly in the real world. All those bullies and ‘populars’ get brought down to size very quickly when they enter the reality of the real world.

Just because you haven’t convinced a girl to go on a date with you doesn’t mean you are a failure. Just means it’s not the right time or person yet. Having your heart broken by a girlfriend who did not value your heart to is far worse than having it hurt from longing for a companion. So rather your heart is intact going into college than in pieces from someone who doesn’t take relationships seriously. The wrong relationships can cause a different type of heartache, trust issues, self esteem issues and a whole bag of other things. Something you really don’t need. So rather you connect with someone one day who sees life, relationships, commitment and all those good things the same as you then date someone who is not on the same page as you.
Being In high school is different to college. High school students are at that school most likely cause they have to be without having a lot of choice in the matter. College students are there because they want to be there, they have chosen that specific path and direction in life. So it’s a completely different dynamic of life I look forward to you experiencing.

You might feel like rejection will be the only thing you have for the rest of your life but I don’t think that will be the case. A high school life is very limiting and sometimes suffocating environment for some to be in. So as hard as it is you need to somehow replace those thoughts with ones of you being happier in college with new friends and fun experiences. It might sound insignificant but daydreaming of a better life out of high school is a good thing. Remind yourself that you just need to get through high school and then it’s driving your own car and going to college and having your independence and being free to enjoy your life. I know that you are strong and that you have got this. I know you can get through this. When do you get your drivers licence?

I’m sorry that you have experienced the insensitivity of others by them saying good grades etc is no reason to complain. That’s not right of them. You can’t compare getting good grades to having a girlfriend. Sometimes people say such things because they don’t know what else to say and as the saying goes ‘if you don’t have something nice to say then don’t say anything at all’.
I understand you feel like a failure but you are not a failure. You’ve seen in TKD and you will see one day in gaming programming you don’t always get it right the first time, you need to keep on ‘failing’ in order for you to win and succeed.
And I believe that when the time is right you and your person will find eachother. In the meantime while you survive life, allow it to grow you and not break you. The tallest trees get the most wind and without wind trees are not able to grow their strength in order to withstand the tough winds and weather. So try see this as a strengthening process. Be proud to be the tallest tree because clearly you are being strengthened for many great things.

Chat soon.

Much love and hugs.

Happy new year! Mine was okay I guess, didn’t really do much.

I saw him with my parents, yeah.

My family said a lot of shitty things to each other It caused a huge rift that really won’t be fixed ever…

jedi Survivor is for PC, PS5, and Xbox Series X/S

Just me and the therapist

It snows in NY in january/February

My favorite season is summer

I don’t know. Maybe Airbourne

I have

I got my third degree at the end of 2019. The next tournament should be pretty soon. They haven’t happened in a while because of covid

I still feel like a failure though sometimes. My heart is not intact. I fell in love with a girl earlier this year, I really really did, but she had a boyfriend and it hurt me so so SO badly. I’ve had other rejections that weren’t as significant and only hurt me a little bit, but that one really fucking hurt on such a deep level. I just feel like I’m never going to get anything other than rejection, and it hurts so bad. I just want romantic love in my life so badly and I feel like I’ll never find someone.

I daydream about finding a special girl and finding love all the time. But I feel like that’s all it’ll ever be. I’ve failed so many times now, and I feel like its just going to keep happening. I hope with every fiber of my being that I will find someone and that somewhere out there I have a soulmate. I really hope that I’m not destined to be alone forever. But…the more rejection and failure that I get, the more I feel like I am. I just want this love in my life. I’m for sure a romantic, and I really just want to find this love, more than anything else, and I’m so scared that I never will. I would be miserable if I really am destined to be alone for the rest of my life. I want to believe that my special girl is out there somewhere and one day soon I’ll find her, but every day it feels a little less likely. :frowning:

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Hi @JediSurvivor

I’m looking forward to hearing about your new tournament. When will you get your new belt and how do you work towards it?

I understand about the girl, but if she has a boyfriend then that’s not something you can pursue. If it’s meant to be you’ll come across eachother in the future where you both are single. If not, your person will meet you when it’s the right time.

So I’m thinking you need to change the way you think about yourself and future. If you can think of being a failure, you can think of being a success. If you can think of never being able to get a girlfriend, then you can think of being with one. How far has this negative view of yourself and your future gotten you ? It hasn’t gotten you anywhere, but instead buried you and is suffocating you in sorrow and heartache. Day dreaming is one thing but belief is a whole other thing on a deeper level.

This is the way forward for you. Just because you feel you’ll never find your soulmate doesn’t mean it’s the truth. Remember all the times in TKD you felt you couldn’t get it right and you felt like you would fail. But what got you to keep pushing harder with determination? Your mind and your thoughts. That is what needs to change here. Your mind and thoughts have the power to make or break you. At this point in your life its breaking and discouraging you. And it doesn’t have to be this way. It can be different.

My suggestion to you to start this journey of change is to get a note book or use the note pad on your phone /pc and write down the positive version of the negative thoughts you are having. We are not denying how you are feeling, but we need to shift your focus and perspective on things.
For example…
Thought/Belief - I am a failure in friendship relationships - Positive thought - I will have success in my friendship relationships because I am fun to be around. I am a trustworthy friend and people enjoy my company. I find it easy to make friends. People see me as approachable and I get along well with others.
Thought/Belief - I will always be rejected and never find a girlfriend - Positive thought - Girls can see that I am a kind and decent person. Girls enjoy my company. I will find my soulmate when we are ready to meet eachother.
Thought/Belief - I hate being alone with no girlfriend - Positive thought - I am ok to be alone, I am secure in who I am. I will have a girlfriend one day who will love and appreciate me for who I am.
Thought/Belief My heart is in pieces and will never mend - Positive thought - My heart will recover from these things that have hurt me in life. It will be stronger for what it has been through. I will embrace the lessons that I need to in life.

And so the list will go on. Then you need to read it every day and every time you are feeling down about life. And you can add to it as as the negative thoughts come.
Will you believe these things - probably not at first, but you need to persevere and keep reading these positive things about yourself and life every day until you truly believe it and live it with all your heart.

Are you willing to do this? Even if it’s just 5 mins a day and u write and read it at least every morning and night.

Much love and hugs

Not for a while. I have to be 23 I think to get my next belt, so, after college at the earliest on getting 4th degree.

I just feel like I’m lying to myself. I’ve lost nearly all my friends, how could I be “easy to approach” if literally nobody approaches me…at least with anything nice to say. Mean, oh, sure, but never anything nice.

Doesn’t feel like girls see that I’m a kind and decent person, considering every girl I’ve talked to has stopped talking to me, even as friends. All of them have just completely stopped talking to me at all.

I’m not okay being alone. I’m just not. A part of my heart is missing. And it’s not just a little piece, it feels like a big part of my heart is missing and it hurts badly. And I’m not secure either. I’m just not. I’m broken without love. I’ve been broken for years and every rejection and failure makes it worse and worse. I’m scared, so unbelievably scared that I don’t have a soulmate and I’m destined to be alone. It’s terrifying. It’s the worst thought in the world to me. Nothing else compares, if that’s true, I will never be happy, secure, or “fixed”. I will be forever broken if I don’t have a soulmate out there. I really fucking hope it’s not true, but, it’s hard to believe considering how horribly trying to find love has gone so far. I don’t know what to do anymore. Writing down what I see as nothing but complete lies based on my life experiences will not help me. If anything, it will just make me angry because I’ll be frustrated that I’m just straight up lying to myself. All I have at this point is a small amount of hope that maybe I do have a soulmate out there. But if the years keep going on like this…and it still cannot find this person…I’m not going to make it…I’m really not. I need to find this soulmate, I need to be able to give love and receive love. It’s just who I am, for better or for worse. Love is the most important thing to me, and if I don’t have a soulmate out there, someone who would just simply love me and I would love her, nothing else matters because I will have failed at the most important thing to me by FAR. I really need to find love…I really do

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Hi @JediSurvivor

Thanks for letting me know how you feel about my suggestion. I feel like maybe I didn’t explain myself well enough or maybe I’m misunderstood. It’s would be easier if we could have a proper conversation in person so we can understand and explain ourselves better but obviously we can’t. So messaging will have to do.

My intention was not to hurt you or make you feel worse. I was also not saying deny how you feel or lie to yourself.

I’ve been through enough in life to know that negative thought patterns can destroy lives, self esteem and futures. I also know that we have the power to change how we see ourselves and others.

Just because you feel like a failure, doesn’t mean you’re a failure. You need to believe in yourself and your future. You need to somehow be ok with being single for now.

My suggestion was to get you to change your outlook on life, yourselves and your future.
I really get how u feel and respect that, but somehow you have to change how you see yourself, your life and your future because the way you think about yourself, your life and your future is not good, not healthy and not helping you.

The point on replacing your negative beliefs with positive ones is a good thing. For example. You might not feel approachable and likeable. But the more you tell yourself you are approachable and likeable the more you will believe it and the more you will come across that way to others. Right now you are resisting a lot in your life and what u resists persists. And what you think and believe about who you are is who you become.
And I get you are desperate for love, but sometimes desperation can lead to drowning and you are allowing it to drown you. You are a intelligent person. What is causing you to not want to accept where you are at now, and to believe that you will indeed find a soulmate when the time is ready? I am not talking nonsense, but from experience. I have watched countless people your age experience love eventuality in their lives and they are now in their early 20’s.

And by writing these things down are you lying to yourself or encouraging yourself? Think about it from a different point of view. I’m sure there has been times you have known someone and they are crying or maybe they have got hurt and you have said something like don’t worry you’re going to be ok, or don’t worry your cut knee will heal. We’re you lying to them or encouraging them to see the possibility of a positive outcome of their current situation?

You say love is the most important thing to you. Then if it is you need to believe that you will experience it regardless of what you have been through. When you wanted that belt in TKD you worked hard for it, you believed no matter what you would obtain it. Why do you not want to believe this about your future love and relationship? You can’t allow all these experiences and rejections to destroy you. No that’s not who you are. Be careful to not base your opinion of yourself off the opinion of others.

Please give this some thought.

Much love and hugs.

P.s Does your Mom and Dad have any idea how you feel about yourself, how your goal in life is to find love and a relationship? Do they know what you have experienced and gone through at school?

Its okay, I know you aren’t trying to hurt me. I have negative thought patterns because I’ve just been in a cycle of negative things happening and I don’t see how to break out of it. Its hard to not feel like I’m failing when the thing that is most important to me has been nothing but fails. Its not that I’m not okay with being single for now, I can wait, but, I’m just fucking terrified that I’m gonna be single forever and that I’m not okay with at all.

I know its not helping me, but changing how my brain works feels almost impossible at this point. I’m resisting everything in my life because I feel like nearly everything is working against me, and if I stop resisting, all my defenses are going to shut down and I’m just going to get overtaken by darkness.

I struggle to accept where I am right now because I feel like I’m stuck in a cycle. I feel like I’m stuck finding a girl I’m interested in, getting to know her, falling for her, and getting rejected and eventually completely cut off over and over again. I can’t accept being stuck in this cycle for the rest of my life. I’m okay to wait to find this soulmate, but, not even having a first date or anything like that makes it feel like I’m stuck in a cycle that I don’t know if it will ever end.

I don’t know. I just don’t think this would work for me tbh. The dark side of my brain is a bit too strong for something like this to work tbh. I need something a bit more impactful to me. I really have no clue what it is, but, simple reassurance won’t stop this thinking.

Its not that I don’t want to believe this. I really want nothing more to have a future with some special girl who I love and she loves me back. And deep down, there’s some part of me that truly believes it will happen. Its just shrouded by the dark parts of my brain that won’t let me believe it will happen.

My parents know enough. We’ll put it that way. They know some of it, but they know enough. I know there’s some parts of it I can’t tell them just because of the people they are. For better or for worse

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Hi @JediSurvivor

Sorry for the late reply. How has your weekend been? What did you do?

I understand how you feel and my intention was to help you get out of the negative cycle. But if you think my suggestion won’t work then it’s ok you don’t have to do it.

Sometimes people find their person with the first time they date or sometimes they have a few break ups before they find their person. Do you think the breakups are failure or that the person they were dating was not the right choice?

You can do this and you are doing this. You are strong and remember that light always overcomes darkness.

I know this is not what u want to do as you said you don’t want to be ok with certain things but that is something you need to do. You need to be ok with where you are at and who you are in your journey and at this time in your life. Remember just because things are the way they are now doesn’t mean they will be like this forever. Remember this to shall pass. You are like a river. And I feel like you are fighting yourself and who you need to be. A river needs to flow. And I feel like all your resisting has led you to build a wall with rocks and because of this wall all the rubbish, leaves, sticks etc. are stuck behind this wall and it’s causing the water to be stagnant and unhealthy. The rocks are like people/situations that have hurt you and the rubbish, leaves and sticks are how you feel about yourself from these people and circumstances. The longer you leave all of this in the river the worse state the water will be. So you need to remove all these rocks etc. so that the river can flow freely and the water can be healthy. When the water is flowing freely and it comes across a rock it flows around it or over it. So this resisting is not helping you and I think causing more harm than good. Being ok with everything that has happened and happening doesn’t mean you are denying your life and what you are going through. Being ok with life is saying yes this person hurt me, this is currently happening but I choose hope. Hope that things are going to turn out alright and for the better. Being ok leads to more peace than rage. Like I said before if you think u can’t, then you can think you can. How far has resisting and thinking negatively gotten you up to this point. I’m not saying live in la la land where you deny everything. I’m saying it’s more accepting where you are at now so that you can have a clearer view of your future. Just let it be ok.

Speaking of the above. How do you feel on a daily basis. Do you feel down and depressed? Or nervous and anxious? Or do you feel angry at life all the time?

You won’t get out of this cycle until you decide to clear out all that stuff in the river. Remember it’s how you look at it now that will determine tomorrow. Do you ever do life one day at a time? Like really just look at the day you need to get through and think I’m ok, I can do this, I am strong, I can overcome what today has?

You said your don’t think it will work? Are you willing to try? You’re giving the dark side way too much credit. The light side of you is far greater and stronger than the dark side. Have you not noticed? You have far more light in you than dark. Look at how you are seeking to do well and succeed, look at how you are still hopeful. Light always overcomes darkness, you need to believe that.

Chat soon.

Much love and hugs

Hi @JediSurvivor

Haven’t heard from you? Really hope you are ok.

Much love and hugs

I’ll respond today. I’m sorry. It’s been rough these past few days.

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I think whether or not it’s failure depends on the person and the situation.

Sometimes it just feels like the darkness is too strong

It’s hard to be okay with my life when so much of it is spent in pure misery. It’s hard to just be okay with feeling like I’m failing at finding love with how unbelievably important it is to me. And a lot of people go out of their way to try and hurt me, it’s not fun at all. It’s hard to just be okay with being miserable. It’s hard to use be okay with feeling like you’ll never find love. I can’t do it. These feelings are awful and they’re not going away, they’re worsening.

Mostly depressed, sometimes angry at life, sometimes anxious.

The problem is, there’s not much good in my day. Maybe taekwondo, but that’s not every day. The vast majority of my day is misery in school. And then whenever I think about the potential of never finding love and how badly I need to find love, I get in this really bad state. One day at a time doesn’t work for me because honestly, on a day to day scale, I have next to nothing to live for. I really don’t. The only thing I have is the hope college will be better MONTHS from now and that maybe I can find love eventually, but who knows how long until that happens….if it even does :frowning:

The dark side is stronger. It’s just too much at this point. My whole life has been injected with so much negativity and I can’t find a way out. The only way out I can see is finding love and getting away from my current environment. And again, one of these things an unknown if or when it will ever happen, and the other is months and months away. I need to find love. It’s not a want anymore. I need someone to love and I need them to love me back. I need that special person that just makes it all worth it. Someone that I can direct all the love buried in my heart to and bring out the best in both of us. Without that, it will just stay buried and I’m just gonna spiral further and further into darkness


Hi @JediSurvivor

I’m sorry things have been tough. I hope its a bit better for you today?

I know its hard but look how far you have come. Its been been 27 days since you first posted. So almost a month you have managed further in life. It matters that we finish the race remember. Doesn’t matter even if we crawl across the finish line, as long as we finish. Have you heard of the Comrades Marathon ? I am still proud of you and how you have held on despite your disappointments and heartaches. I still believe you can do this. The world needs you and your unique abilities and qualities. I know it sounds cliche but its true.

How is things with your parents? Like do you have good communication with them? Or is it a tense and akward most of the time?

How is therapy going? Have you been back?

How do you feel about anti-depressants?

How is TKD going?

Have you thought about going to gym and doing weights everyday? Gym can really be a life changer.

I am sorry you feel you can’t try what I suggest. But I am sure we will find something eventually that will help you feel better and occupy you during this difficult time?

Is there anyway we can find good things about your life everyday? I know its so hard to see light and goodness when you feel everything is so dark.

You are strong and you will always be stronger than the dark side. Please allow yourself to believe that.

Love will find its way to you. I know you don’t really want to but you got to be patient. I really look forward to the day you tell me all about it.

I also look forward to hear how well college is going for you. Before you know it college is here and I can’t wait to celebrate that day with you, even if it is over this platform.

Remember in order for you to do well in your future love relationship you need to take care of yourself and remain in as much light as you can. When you get together with your future love, she will also want you to add happiness and light to her life. So make sure you are keeping hopeful and keeping your head above the water. You want to be in a good shape when you meet her and be in a good emotional space to support her and uplift her. You can’t allow yourself to spiral down into darkness. How then will you see her if your focus will be your sadness. So keep that in mind. You want to be in a good place and not walking with your head down.

JediSurvivor you can do this. I genuinely believe in your. Lets find ways to keep you going please? There must be something else we can do?

Much love and hugs

P.s How’s your furfriend? Mine turned 2 years old yesterday, how cute.

Hi @Simplyme

Its a little bit better now I guess. Nothing has really changed, but, I feel a little better.

I’ve managed to get through these days but most of them have not been happy ones at all. Its really hard to hold on some days. I really don’t know if the world needs me. But well, I just have to hold out hope that I have a soulmate out there somewhere, and I’ll find her one day and make her the happiest girl in the world. That’s the most important thing to me.

Things with my parents are…confusing. Sometimes communication is decent, other times its awful and extremely tense.

I have an appointment on thursday

Anti-depressants…no. I am just naturally skeptical of everything that’s supposed to cure mental health problems like this. When the demons are on the inside, I don’t know how stuff like that is ever supposed to help.

Tae Kwon Do is always great. Best part of my life right now for sure. It always has been really.

Not really, the gym isn’t really my thing. I prefer just taking as many TKD classes as possible. Its just a more fun way to exercise.

I hope so. I hope I can find my soulmate relatively soon, but, who knows how long until I find her.

Well, its basically taekwondo and that’s it. My day at school is fucking miserable every single day. Its genuinely the worst place on Earth to me. Every negative word you can think of describes that shithole.

I try my best, but some days the darkness is just way too much to handle.

I really hope so. I really hope I can find love one day. Its really hard to be patient when it means this much to me.

I hope college is better. It has to be. I can’t handle another 4 years like high school was. I pity so many students who go to that school. Its built on corruption, incompetence, and a complete lack of care for anyone who isn’t on their football team or whatever. Fucking school sucks. College has to be better or I’ll lose my mind

The thing is, once I find love, a lot of this would fade away. So much of this is because of how much I want to find love and find my special person. I would do anything to add light and happiness to the life of a girl I love. That’s all I want in life. To be able to find a girl I really love, have her love me back, and get the chance to show her every single day how much that means to me.

I hope I can. I will say, in a twisted turn of events, despite March consistently being the most miserable month of the year for me because we have 0 days off from school, I’m actually looking forward to March. The Mandalorian Season 3 starts…FINALLY. Star Wars: The Bad Batch has its season finale in march, and, that show is just so underrated. It is wonderful. And Star Wars: Jedi Survivor comes out in March. Massive star wars month. I’ve missed those. I haven’t gotten my fill of Star Wars since June 2022, there was a show called Andor but I didn’t like it much, there were some other small things too, but thankfully Bad Batch started up again this month and in March, there’s so much Star Wars goodness coming out :slight_smile:

Bandit is doing good. Little ball of chaos haha

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Hey @JediSurvivor

So sorry for the late reply.

I am glad u are feeling a bit better. A bit is definitely a good thing.

I know it’s hard to believe but the world does need you. You never know what people are going through and maybe one day you smile at someone and that changes their perspective on life in a positive way. Don’t underestimate the value you add to those around you every day. There is no one else like you and that’s a special thing.

I am really proud of you how you hold onto Hope no matter how little you may feel it is. It takes a lot of courage and heart to remain hopeful. It’s something you should be proud of because you definitely don’t sound like a quitter at all. You definitely are a hopeful.

I’m sorry things are tough at times with your parents. I really hope they somehow get better. It’s not easy growing up at all and you are still going and still managing so that’s a good thing.

About the meds. I understand you are skeptical. Meds is not there to cure. But to aid you through your dark times, along with therapy. Both together help a lot. Taking Anti-D’s is no different to a person who take’s diabetic medication. When we are anxious, depressed etc. a big part of it is due to our chemicals such as dopamine etc in our brain that are low. Google it for yourself and see. So a diabetic takes medicine to aid their diabetes and keep it under control in order for them to live a better and more manageable life. But a diabetic also has to make sure they eat the right food etc. So it’s the same with mental health. Take meds, go for therapy, eat well, sleep well etc are all part of helping our mental health do well.

Ok then how many TKD classes do you take per week? That’s really good u can do a few.

Yes I hear you. Sometimes school is terrible, but it’s a hard necessity you have to do in life. But u are almost there. Look how far we are in January. Before we know it, it’s February and then blink blink, it’s graduation and good bye horrible high school and hello freedom of choice - college.

I’m sure college will be better. It’s a place where people want to be and have the same interests in takings the courses they want to.

Yay about March and all the StarWars stuff that will happen. It’s good. Will lift your spirits and keep u busy. Just what u need.

Good little ball of chaos is doing good. My hooligan is also good. He’s developed a grass allergy. And now he has to have meds every day otherwise he wants to chew his legs and paws off lol. Shame man. And he loves grass and playing in water. When we switch the hosepipe on he goes even crazier.

Wow so currently at this hour my weather is 32c and u are 2c. Oh my goodness. How cold are you. When does it snow by u and for how long?

Do you get together with other members of your extended family? And does your parents have friends that come over and visit for lunch? Like what are your weekends like?

Do u have a fireplace?

Keep warm.

Much love and hugs

Sorry for my late reply as well. I really have been busy with midterms and stuff, but I’m back now.

I’ve found some things that helps with my heart hurting. It’s very personal, and I don’t want to really share it, but, it helps a lot surprisingly.

It has been extremely difficult to hold onto hope. One of the things that helped with my heart hurting that I am willing to share is that I wrote a letter to my future wife from current me, to give her on our wedding day, just telling her how much I look forward to finding her, falling in love with her, also thanking her for giving me the chance I always hoped for to love someone and have her love me back. There’s a lot in the letter, its again very personal, and I won’t share the actual letter itself with anyone but her. But its helped.

My parents are my parents. They won’t change. For better or worse.

I would still probably never take anti-depressants. Just…I don’t know. I just don’t see it helping me.

I take 2 classes personally a week, plus one day of sparring, and I help teach on other days. Its fun.

I need to get out of this school. I hate it so fucking much.

I hope college is better. I really do.

Im sorry your dog has a grass allergy, that’s sad.

It barely snows anymore. It used to. Its not so bad.

My extended family is…something. There’s a lot of fighting. It’s not a great situation. Again, it used to be great, but, its different now.

No, I don’t.

Talk Soon :slight_smile:

1 Like

Hi @JediSurvivor

Good to hear from you. Did you finish your mid terms? Do you feel it went well?
How does your exams work there in your last year? With my daughter they did Cycle Test, SBA’s, Prelims and then Finals. It was quite hectic. But she finished them all and thankfully she is officially finished school. So this year will be her gap year and next year she’ll study.

I’m so glad to hear you have some things that help with your heart hurting. It’s ok I respect you not wanting to share very personal stuff. Most importantly is that u have somethings that helps.

Wow your letter idea to your future wife is a brilliant idea. It’s actually so special. Maybe you could get a book and in this book your can write to your future wife when you need to. Then when you meet you can write about it and through out your relationship you can write in it of moments you shared and then give it to her as a wedding gift. What do you think?

Do you ever right poetry?

Meds is a personal choice and it’s ok if you feel you don’t want to.

Sorry to hear it’s a bit rough with your extended family. It’s sad when things get like that. Hopefully they can sort things out one day.

Have u thought of using a mindful app that they say helps with anxiety? I’m not sure how they work. I’ve just downloaded Headspace and am going to give it a try. So will see.

I found a lovely therapist last week that I will be going to regularly. She is going to help me with my anxiety. My anxiety has gotten pretty bad…sigh…but she said she is fully invested in me and that she will help me.
When she shares things with me that will help I can share it with you if you like?

Thats sooo cool that you help teach on other days. Do you run your own class or assist the other teachers? Yay for TKD and all the good things that it brings in your life.

Before you know it this krappy school will be over. Just hang in there and keep yourself busy. You’re not moving schools now right? How long have u been in this school?

We will both believe with hope that college will be better than high school. All fingers and toes crossed for that.

Do you journal? Sometimes they say journaling helps?

Yes shame it’s pretty hectic about the grass allergy cause he chews his paws but the new meds is helping and I have bought him a special allergy shampoo. He is sooo cute he loves water and it’s been insanely hot. So I put the hose pipe on and I wet him and he runs and chases the water from the hosepipe trying to eat the water. He’s adorable. Then once he’s done he burps from swallowing the water lol. Wish I could send u a video to show u.

Yesterday I bought him a bowl for his milk. He gets a small bit of lactose free milk when we make our morning coffee. He kept barking at us when we made coffee and couldn’t understand why and then we figured it out that he was asking for milk. So he thought this bowl is a great new toy I can chew (bowl is plastic) then he picked it up and took it to his bed. So I took the rubber part off and then he was chasing the bowl around the house as it was sliding around. He is hilarious.

I can’t remember if I have asked u. Does Bandit sleep with you or outside. Maximus sleeps with us in the house. What funny stuff does Bandit do?

It’s soo hot here. Like 33 degrees C and up. Yay I see it’s a bit overcast and that we are going to have rain today. What a relief to just get a break and some cooler weather. And I love rain. Do you like rain? What is your favourite season?

I must go fetch my new glasses today and I must get back into my studies. Do you wear glasses?

Chat soon :slightly_smiling_face:
Much love and hugs