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Searching for a lifeline

I’m new here & just trying to figure things out. I’m sorry if I’m not doing this correctly.

I guess this is yet another attempt to send out a distress signal in hopes I’ll win the battle in my mind, again. I’m a 35 yr. old disabled person who has dealt with severe depression and anxiety most of my life. I come from an abusive family life. Also ended a long term abusive relationship earlier this year. Between my physical disabilities & my mental health, I am struggling to do the simplest things in life. My home is not my home anymore, rather a cluttered dungeon I can’t muster the strength to tackle. I’m in a crappy relationship with food, going weeks without eating or turning to food for that false sense of comfort then ridding myself of it. One extreme or the other. I worry I’ll get evicted from my apt. because I’m…I’m a mess. I’ve never let my apt go to the extent it is & that’s against the rules in my apt building. There are boxes of crap I don’t want to deal with shoved against my walls. I’ve slept on my couch for months because I can’t rest without the noise of a tv to drown my inner scream. I’m angry. Angry that my ex was ok with abusing a disabled person and manipulating most of my friends, my church, neighbors into thinking I’m the one at fault. He repeatedly kicked me while I was down facing tough health struggles. His abuse, lies, stealing, cheating. His false apologies & months in church pretending. I’m mad I stayed and prayed & tried when I was so unhappy. I can’t seem to find myself in the broken remains of that 5 year disaster. I was doing better & getting things in order, but he came back trying to crush anything he didn’t destroy before. Unbeknownst to me a “friend” was giving him reports of my life & that I was bettering myself. 6 + months have passed with no contact & he’s injecting his evil into my life again. The stress of life is affecting my auto immune disorders & causing progression of some neurological issues. If this wasn’t anonymous I’d never admit some of these things. Obviously there is no rhyme or reason to my rant at the moment. Heck of a first impression, huh? There’s so much going on in life, these are just a couple bullet points. Lately it’s just been easier to weed out some random thoughts, or words, and jot them down regardless of whether they make any sense or not. Not sure why I’m doing that publicly this time. I just know I need help and that I’m not getting it in my day to day life. I’m overwhelmed & really struggling. I don’t have many people who are supportive in my life anymore. I live alone & though I love my family dearly, there is a lot of toxicity there with abuse and alcoholism. I’ve lived my life loving hard & giving & forgiving, only to be left broken and needing…something. Anything. I worry that this sounds like a pity party. I truly am thankful for all I have. I just don’t know where to turn. I’m pouring this out here hoping maybe I’ll find some clarity, advice, or resources…

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@Wandering

How you feeling?

I appreciate you asking. I’m overwhelmed, but hanging in the best I can. Hoping to find some resources or something. How are you?

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i hope you’re okay. this world is so cruel i don’t know how to handle it myself. and unfortunately i have no nice words to offer because i don’t know what to say. hang in there… there’s a saying that everything will pass…

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@Wandering

You’re welcome. I’m good. Just listening to Flickering Flames by Wolves at the Gate. Good song by a good band.

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I appreciate your kindness. I wish I had some words of encouragement for you as well. I hope whatever you’re facing eases up soon. You have a lovely heart for offering a kind word to me while facing your own battles. Please know that you have made a difference for me tonight. Sometimes it’s winning the battle minute to minute. Thank you, truly.

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I’m glad you’re doing well. I may have to check out that band. I enjoy hearing new music. Thanks for reaching out. Take care.

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Oh @Wandering, your message is far from being a pity party. You just let your heart speaks with all its honesty and vulnerability. You don’t sound ungrateful either. I hear that you’re aware of what you actually have in your life and you feel thankful for that. But it’s still okay to say it when you’re overwhelmed and when other things feel wrong. You’re still a human being and you have the right to feel, whether it’s good or bad.

I’m really glad you decided to let this out. It sounds that you’ve been carrying those burdens by yourself for a certain time now, and it makes sense to feel tired. When you’re used to count on yourself, it’s not easy to come to this point of saying “okay, I need help and something has to change”. It takes strength to do so. Even though you don’t know yet what’s the next step in this process, it’s still a first step, and a good one. You’re in a safe place here, among friends, and I hope you’ll receive the encouragement you need to take care of yourself.

There are different parts in your own story that resonates with mine. I’ve been dealing with depression and anxiety for most of my life as well (hell, if I had the power to make something disappear from Earth, it would be those two), I grew up in an abusive environment - because of generational traumas and repeated violence, which is likely why I developped chronic illnesses at a very young age and am still dealing with auto immune disorders, that I wish I could get rid of in an instant. High stress has a real impact, you know that too well already, and I’m really sorry it’s causing your health to get worse these days. Though these years helped you learn to be in tune with your body and how it reacts. I believe this is a real strength, as it allows you to eventually take some actions to take care of yourself - both physically and emotionally, as both goes along anyways.

I also want to commend you for your bravery, especially by ending an abusive relationship. 5 years is not nothing and you will definitely need time to heal from what happened, to heal those feelings of betrayal - if not guilt? And just the stress it creates in your heart. It wasn’t your fault. His behavior was his own, the reflections of his issues, struggles, responsabilities. It’s not your fault if you wanted to believe in this relationship, if you gave him multiple chances when he was apologetic. That’s how manipulation works. It makes you feel like you are the one at fault, like you “should have” done this or that. But the truth is: you did how you could, no matter what, and given the circumstances at the moment. As you said, you were also struggling on your end and you were guilted for that. Again, I applaud your bravery and your decision to get out of this situation. It can be hard to find some clarity when deep emotions and feelings are involved. But you did it. For the sake of your own health and safety.

Feeling overwhelmed as you are right now is, in my opinion, probably the most human reaction you could have. This person coming into your life again sounds to be triggering while your heart is grieving this relationship and what happened. And on the top of that, life just keeps going on. There are still responsabilities, all the “to do’s” of daily life, to the point that even self-care becomes a task - if not a burden. That’s a situation I’ve been stuck in this year, for different reasons obviously. Being stuck in this kind of freezing mode, having your stress getting worse and feeling trapped in this cycle: I need to do something -> I still can’t seem to find how -> I don’t do anything -> I feel worse/my health gets worse -> I really need to do something… And when you don’t have people around you to keep you accountable or to just discuss about what’s going on, it can be more difficult.

With the situation right now and how you describe it, I want to encourage you, first and foremost, to try to be really gentle and patient with yourself. You are stressed enough right now and there is no need to beat yourself up for the things you can’t do at the moment. Yes, there are responsabilities. Yes, there are things you’ll need to do to take care of yourself and get back on your feet. But… one step at a time, friend. It’s not just a matter of willpower, so it’s okay to acknowledge the fact that you’ll probably need time and cultivate a compassionate mindset for your strength, your bravery and your willingness to get out of what probably feels like a rut right now.

Somehow you already started to identify and list the things that are not working, that are causing you some stress or pain. That’s a good start. For each of those, you can start to think about a strategy to put in place and which steps you could take to overcome those hurdles in your life. In your message, I see for example: the need to declutter your appartment/ how you eat/ how you feel about your past relationship/ your ex (or your friend?) being somehow in your life again/ your health/ your need for connection and support. Well, for the last one, you definitely have us here already :slight_smile: (The community is also on Discord: (discord.gg/heartsupport) and Twitch - (Twitch.tv/heartsupport) if you want to join us there as well).

At first it can feel like it’s a lot of things to handle at the same time. But again, one step at a time. You can certainly set some priorities there to make everything a little less overwhelming: which ones are the most urgent and important? What could be your first step for those? For example: how could you set some boundaries with this person getting back into your life, from a practical standpoint? Instead of decluttering all the boxes of junk in your appartment, what about trying to get rid of one today? Just one. A matter of 10-15 minutes eventually, and then you congrats yourself for doing it. Oftentimes, the first step is the hardest one. And when you finally take some actions you feel more comfortable to keep doing it.

Those are only some suggestions though. It’s a personal opinion, but I believe that when we feel overwhelmed it helps to take some time to sit down with our thoughts and write them down. You said it yourself, and that’s definitely something you can keep doing. Journaling, no matter how, can be very helpful and productive. To let your emotions out, but also to name it and let those worries and fears spiraling in your mind be somewhere else. In a place where you can see it and feel more empowered by doing so.

But I’m also aware that this process can be stressful in itself. It can also require a lot of energy while your body is already mobilizing a lot of it to keep you healthy. I too struggle with the need to have some kind of noise around me, as silence brings me back to… myself and the deep emotions I try to bury inside too often. I’ve been trying to work on that, but it takes time and just small steps to feel more comfortable. I get that sitting with our thoughts and emotions is not an easy exercise and it can feel unsafe. So if you feel the need to reach out to a professional (a therapist, a counselor) and if that’s a possibility for you, then please don’t hesitate to add this in your toolbox. Talking to someone, receiving insights and ways to challenge our thoughts or fears when we feel stuck can be needed sometimes. And that’s okay. We all need safe places where we are allowed to be just as we are in the present moment and let our emotions flow - without any judgment.

Finally, I’d like to share a few links with you - those are resources provided by HeartSupport, and I hope some could be helpful or inspiring to you:

Whatever steps you will take in times to come, regardless of how and when - know that this community is in this with you. To support you, to encourage you, to help you nourrish your motivation to take care of yourself. You’re not alone. You’re not a failure (just in case it crossed your mind), and there’s nothing to be ashamed of. It’s an honor to learn to know you. Thank you for being here. :hrtlegolove:

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Hi friend, thank you for sharing so openly!! Your courage in vulnerability is amazing, and I commend you for the strength it took to throw out that life line.

Rest assured- it’s been received, and support is well on it’s way.

Please know that your struggles matter, and are valid, and that you are incredibly strong- able to overcome the issues you’re facing. I want to ask how things are going, and how your heart is doing.

I want you to know that you’re not alone in your pain. Life can be so hard, and can feel so incredibly isolating, but please know you’re not alone. I give you full support, and I will be praying for you.

As for what you’ve gone through with your ex, I relate SOOOOO MUCH. I’d love to connect with you and talk about that, if you’re up for it, as I feel I have a lot of experience in that arena. Just know that you will find someone who protects your heart, and feeds it the exact love and devotion you deserve; because you DO deserve so much love. I can tell just by reading your thoughts how much compassion and care you have, and that is so beautiful. You are worthy of that same care, and you WILL find it.

Just know that what you’re going through is not your fault, and you are so incredibly strong.

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I’m very thankful for the kindness I’ve received here. I want to apologize because I’m still struggling to form coherent sentences & conversations. The things you each have taken the time to share with me have really touched my heart. When I’m in a downward spiral like this it is hard to look at things logically. The reminder that I’m only human for struggling with picking myself up from the abuse, being overwhelmed by my health struggles…I needed to hear that because I’m beating myself up so bad.

I feel that I may need to contact my dr for a medication update…I feel myself entering that danger zone again. One of the autoimmune diseases I live with is Multiple Sclerosis. That in itself (for me) comes with cognitive and mental health struggles. I know I’m in a place that may require medical intervention once again to get myself leveled out. I’m frustrated…I feel like I’m losing myself entirely under the weight of declining health, physical & mental/emotional. That being said, I know I need to be gentle with myself if I struggle. I give in to the negative comments I’ve heard throughout my life that play on a loop in my mind. I need to lose the guilt that comes with acknowledging that life can be hard…

Thanks again for the resources you’ve given me. I’m extremely grateful for the warmth & kindness you’ve all shared with me. @Micro @Wittlemouse I’m sitting here with tears flowing. Thank you for seeing me, thank you for reaching out. Thank you for your prayers. Please continue to take care of yourselves as well. You have such kind hearts.

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Please continue to take care of yourselves as well. You have such kind hearts.

I’m sending those words right back at you, @Wandering. Thank you for your reply, and even more thank you so much for the kindness that I received through your words. That really means a lot. :hrtlegolove:

I feel that I may need to contact my dr for a medication update…I feel myself entering that danger zone again.

That sounds to be a potential good start. As you said, from your health comes other issues. As much as it’s important to see it as a whole - your physicality and your mental health -, there has to be a starting point somewhere that could be considered as a first step. Do you have a plan to contact your doctor? (Like deciding a time when you’ll do it). If writing here can be helpful to keep some kind of accountability, feel absolutely free to share it - or not, just so you know it’s only a possibility, no pressure or obligation at all. I just know that, for me personally, making something “public” can be a source of motivation, even if no one responds or would be behind me saying: “so, did you do it?”.

That being said, I know I need to be gentle with myself if I struggle. I give in to the negative comments I’ve heard throughout my life that play on a loop in my mind. I need to lose the guilt that comes with acknowledging that life can be hard…

I hear you. We’re certainly our worst judge and critic, especially when we’re struggling. It’s important to allow others to share a different truth sometimes, or just remind us that we’re only human. It’s okay to treat your heart with the patience and compassion it needs… especially during a rough time.

After reading this reply, maybe you can take a moment to just acknowledge the fact that you’ve been breaking this loop by being here, by posting here. You know, it wouldn’t be possible without you doing the first step.

Take good care of yourself friend. :hrtlegolove:

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