Thank you so much for taking the time to share these updates. It is very much appreciated.
- the weekend was hard but i think i got the best time i could have given the circumstances !
Well done! It sounds that you’ve really managed to handle the situation like a pro. I am really glad that your weekend was good even if really hard too. These are special circumstances that logically affect you. The very fact of trying, being patient with yourself and accepting to also enjoy the good times as you deserve is a very powerful step.
- the letter is still unopened and is now sleeping at the psychologist’s office
Wow, that’s a very interesting way to deal with it at the moment. I didn’t think about that option the first time you’ve explained your situation. It’s good to remember that our therapists can also be some kind of accountability partner.
How do you feel about it?
- he spoke of “complex trauma” at a previous appointement and I found out about Complex PTSD and started identifying with this, but when i asked him about it last time, it looked like it wasn’t really a thing to him
That’s interesting. Definitely something I’d encourage you to keep discussing with them. Like, trying to understand why they mentioned it in the first place, and why now they don’t think it would be a thing.
Side note, C-PTSD is not an official diagnosis (yet) in the DSM. The DSM itself is very subjective anyway, but in terms of practical implications, it means that few therapists are actually trained to identify it with their patients. So, it is the kind of diagnosis - if getting that diagnosis officially matters to you and makes sense to you - that can require to be more patient and have different professional opinions if needed. To me, it has also started with a therapist mentioning it to me in a conversation, and then me starting to read about it online, then in a few books. It was both the most frightening yet helpful awareness I ever had in my life, as I felt like my life and most of what I am/who I am was written in these books. So, if for your personal interests too you need some reading recommendations, I’m all about giving references to you. All in all, it’s really about feeling less alone and finding what is meaningful to you. Traumas in general are really complex, and we still have a lot of things to learn about it, even from a medical/professional standpoint.
- same, i feel the need to explore more about narcissistic parents and at the same time i know these theories won’t be aknowledged by my therapists I feel a strong need to have words to state my issues and what happened to me right now. Mistreatment ? Violence ? Abuse ? Whatever. I need recognition.
It’s okay to look after resources that would help you put words on your experiences. Your therapist can disagree with the meaning of a diagnosis of course (and also, only a psychiatrist can diagnose a condition, not a psychologist). But in any case, they can never push away what makes sense to you. If it helps you grow and heal, it helps you grow and heal. What you can find in therapy can be completed by things found outside of it, that you would eventually bring back with you in therapy too. It’s all good. The therapeutic process is yours. Your therapist is only there to be a facilitator.
- today is better, but until yesterday i was feeling really really bad and on the edge all the time, with pain everywhere and other symptoms like nausea all the time, spikes of fear and other spikes of sadness, etc.
I hope you will feel progressively better. Our body really has its on language, and it’s very strong of you to be aware of it. Really. It gives you the opportunity to make the decision of taking care of yourself and slowing down, rather than ignoring it and pushing yourself beyond your limits at the time.
You’re loved. Well done for taking the time to reflect on all of this. It may not seem “productive” immediately, but it is part of learning to know yourself better and be more connected to your own needs, which will always serve you positively and help you grow stronger in the future.