Unopened letter : update #1

[soloroad]

Hi there !

Thanks again for your support in my initial thread. I wanted to give a few updates on the situation :

• the weekend was hard but i think i got the best time i could have given the circumstances !
• the letter is still unopened and is now sleeping at the psychologist’s office
• he helped me a little (relaxation, who to call in case of need…) but my issue is deeper
• he spoke of “complex trauma” at a previous appointement and I found out about Complex PTSD and started identifying with this, but when i asked him about it last time, it looked like it wasn’t really a thing to him
• same, i feel the need to explore more about narcissistic parents and at the same time i know these theories won’t be aknowledged by my therapists I feel a strong need to have words to state my issues and what happened to me right now. Mistreatment ? Violence ? Abuse ? Whatever. I need recognition.
• today is better, but until yesterday i was feeling really really bad and on the edge all the time, with pain everywhere and other symptoms like nausea all the time, spikes of fear and other spikes of sadness, etc.

My next appointement will be on Saturday with the psychiatrist, he may give me something to help if i still need by then, idk, we’ll see.

Thanks for reading… thanks for allowing this place to exist

[Micro]

Hey @soloroad,

Thank you so much for taking the time to share these updates. It is very much appreciated.

• the weekend was hard but i think i got the best time i could have given the circumstances !

Well done! It sounds that you’ve really managed to handle the situation like a pro. I am really glad that your weekend was good even if really hard too. These are special circumstances that logically affect you. The very fact of trying, being patient with yourself and accepting to also enjoy the good times as you deserve is a very powerful step.

• the letter is still unopened and is now sleeping at the psychologist’s office

Wow, that’s a very interesting way to deal with it at the moment. I didn’t think about that option the first time you’ve explained your situation. It’s good to remember that our therapists can also be some kind of accountability partner.

How do you feel about it?

• he spoke of “complex trauma” at a previous appointement and I found out about Complex PTSD and started identifying with this, but when i asked him about it last time, it looked like it wasn’t really a thing to him

That’s interesting. Definitely something I’d encourage you to keep discussing with them. Like, trying to understand why they mentioned it in the first place, and why now they don’t think it would be a thing.

Side note, C-PTSD is not an official diagnosis (yet) in the DSM. The DSM itself is very subjective anyway, but in terms of practical implications, it means that few therapists are actually trained to identify it with their patients. So, it is the kind of diagnosis - if getting that diagnosis officially matters to you and makes sense to you - that can require to be more patient and have different professional opinions if needed. To me, it has also started with a therapist mentioning it to me in a conversation, and then me starting to read about it online, then in a few books. It was both the most frightening yet helpful awareness I ever had in my life, as I felt like my life and most of what I am/who I am was written in these books. So, if for your personal interests too you need some reading recommendations, I’m all about giving references to you. All in all, it’s really about feeling less alone and finding what is meaningful to you. Traumas in general are really complex, and we still have a lot of things to learn about it, even from a medical/professional standpoint.

• same, i feel the need to explore more about narcissistic parents and at the same time i know these theories won’t be aknowledged by my therapists I feel a strong need to have words to state my issues and what happened to me right now. Mistreatment ? Violence ? Abuse ? Whatever. I need recognition.

It’s okay to look after resources that would help you put words on your experiences. Your therapist can disagree with the meaning of a diagnosis of course (and also, only a psychiatrist can diagnose a condition, not a psychologist). But in any case, they can never push away what makes sense to you. If it helps you grow and heal, it helps you grow and heal. What you can find in therapy can be completed by things found outside of it, that you would eventually bring back with you in therapy too. It’s all good. The therapeutic process is yours. Your therapist is only there to be a facilitator.

• today is better, but until yesterday i was feeling really really bad and on the edge all the time, with pain everywhere and other symptoms like nausea all the time, spikes of fear and other spikes of sadness, etc.

I hope you will feel progressively better. Our body really has its on language, and it’s very strong of you to be aware of it. Really. It gives you the opportunity to make the decision of taking care of yourself and slowing down, rather than ignoring it and pushing yourself beyond your limits at the time.

You’re loved. Well done for taking the time to reflect on all of this. It may not seem “productive” immediately, but it is part of learning to know yourself better and be more connected to your own needs, which will always serve you positively and help you grow stronger in the future.

[Sita]

hehe, my first reaction was to give the psychologist to hold on to it but I wasn’t sure if that would have been weird to ask of them! Good job on that!

Naming things can make it easier for us sometimes so I certainly understand where you’re coming from. There will be a process to work it out, and go through the various components before being able to label it one thing or another, but I’m glad you seem to be on the right course now. Thanks so much for the update! Hope to keep in touch as you learn more!

[soloroad]

@Micro I cannot thank you enough… i burst in tears while reading you because i felt understood and you help me feel like i can listen to my needs and trust my feelings which i really needed to hear right now :3

The open letter at the psychologist office : i feel so much better now. I still think about it but also sometimes i’m able to forget it as it’s unreachable anyway. @Sita He’s the one who offered this solution so I just had to say yes which was awesome !

To explain further, I move constantly between these two feelings :

• Being in my parents parents’ gaze of how it’s irresponsible of me not to open it and could have very serious consequences and how it’s unfair to them, / VERSUS /
• My own gaze (built with the help of answers to my previous thread) that whatever is in there i can’t handle now anyway, and i’m allowed to listen to my needs too, and if they’re having difficulties about the situation it’s not my role to take care of it, they can also get help as i did during the last 15 years

I feel like i’m having a breakthrough - the more i read on reddit the more things make sense… Narcissistic mother, and my father would be an enabler (not sure about that, discovered the concept this morning, have to read more about it). I’m seing so many testimonies of people experiencing the same as me, things i could never put words on, its… it makes me feel like i’m at the very top of a mountain ready to jump, i can see what’s below but really i have to dive to go there. It’s a bit frightening but i know below is a better place ^^

@Micro you offered to share some references with me, i feel it’s too early for me to read a book now, but i’d gladly take them for later ! Thank you so much for offering.

This morning i came across a reddit thread about movies/shows that depict narcissistic characters, looks like there’s a bunch of them so i plan to try watching a few to get more representation of this issue.

Damn pressed ctrl+enter by mistake and it got sent, maybe i should stop there

Thank you both so much for your kindness and the care you’re giving me <3 I hope i can give it back one day

If you want to tell me more about your own stories i’d be glad to read it !

Have a great day

[Micro]

Oh my, I didn’t realize it was @Sita’s idea. My brain is like mashed potatoes today.

@Sita is such a treasure. So grateful for them, and you.

As for the references, no worries! I totally understand. To be fair, I have not read everything and can only do it when I feel okay with it. It’s a slow process. Knowing your limits at a given time is amazing.

It’s a bit frightening but i know below is a better place ^^

You’ve described it perfectly. Breakthroughs are incredibly powerful times of life. But it is made also of grief and deep transformations. As long as you keep in mind that it is a process and nothing in the obstacles you will encouter would ever define you entirely, then you’ll be able to move mountains and not just climb them. You’ll shape your own landscape. It is like a path with rocks on it here and there that we learn to walk around, progressively. The good thing is that it doesn’t have to be done alone! And you are not alone.

To explain further, I move constantly between these two feelings

You will probably navigate between these two feelings a lot, over and over, especially each time you’ll encounter a new situation that would involve your parents and will force you to process differently than how you would have done in the pst - aka with the new perspective you are building. It’s like relearning your story and relationships. It’s subjected to the new events and interactions happening too, just like this letter you’ve received.

Some days I still feel like I’m the worst daughter in the world. But, I also know more and more, rationally, that doing what is right and fair is rarely comfortable. However, it shows that it’s worth it, because it means the possibility for things to change. And we can keep working on making sure that it works for the best - first and foremost for ourselves, then for the people we love.

You are learning to create a new balance in your life. So right now you have one foot on both sides. It’s okay.

[soloroad]

Thank you so much, it all makes sense <3

I take all of this with me !