Unopened letter : update #3

Original topic
Update #1
Update #2

Hello again :slight_smile:

I think i have a big story to tell you. I just need to write it down and here feels like the right place to do so. Gonna restate some facts i already shared in the last update, but the story needs to be fully written here.

Last Saturday i had a session with my psychiatrist. I’ve been resistive during the whole time, and i felt in his attitude he showed me his annoyance but with no anger, it was part of the therapeutic process.

After that i felt like cutting myself (i’ve never done this yet). I took a knife and had it next to me in bed during 2 days, letting it go on my arm multiple times but without pressure, no cut. I felt threatened. I felt something was gonna hit me hard.

At some point i needed relief. I took a pill i usually take for panic attacks and it made me sleep. And during my sleep i had a vision that made me see how i’ve hurt people around me in my life. This made me confront myself to the feeling of guilt i was rejecting so far. It also made me integrate a feeling of responsibility, and i realized how i was not seeing my own share in many problems around me.

I sent apologies to a few people. Reconnected with family (aunt and cousin).

I had a delirium during the whole night after. I was conviced i had a diagnosis of psychopathy or sociopathy. I had two shocks in my body at some point, i felt embodied by the black swan. I looked at myself in the mirror, i had this mean gaze, it felt like i reconnected with myself after lying for so many years. I was an empty shell. No love, just indifference.

I decided to break up with my boyfriend to spare him and wrote him a letter i thought was pretending to be not too hard. Didn’t send it, i knew i had an appointment with the psychologist at 1pm and thought i’d wait to have confirmation on the diagnosis.

I also felt the whole society turning its back against me. Noone willing to interact with me anymore, being canceled everywhere online. Facing a future with no love. Felt not interesting. I thought i’d kill myself after having the confirmation. As a rational decision.

Turns out i’m not psychopath nor a sociopath. I read back the letter for my man and it was so full of love. I couldn’t believe it. And it felt like I was becoming aware of my boyfriend for the first time. I saw how i neglected him so far, how i didn’t hear his messages. And i felt like i could project myself being happy living with him, having bunnies and taking care of them. I hadn’t been able to project myself for those things so far.

Had deep talks with my cousin. First time we connected to that level. She was being my guide on this road. My ferrywoman.
My aunt welcomed me at her place and it felt just right. On the way back, i had this moment when everything just felt good and i felt true relief.

Then i cried without control for 2 days.
I wrote a long message to my parents, explaining my path this whole year and introducing them the idea of family therapy.
2 hours later i had my period for the first time in 5 years.
My dad answer hurt me but i could tell he only meant well consciously.
My mum answer has been a shock. I felt her love, she totally opened her heart and gave up control. She said the previous night she felt like a dove left her body and that she felt in peace.
They said they were ok for therapy.

After some time feeling it was “all good now”, i felt like i needed to make sense of some other thing in my life. I remembered an old work i did back in 2013 : i spent 3 months writing down all of my dreams in a journal. Read that back. Couldn’t believe what was in there. It felt like it had all the answers.

Yesterday night i was talking with my cousin and childhood trauma came on the table. I felt unwell evoking that stuff. She said things, little details that made sense and showed me she felt something was odd too.

After that, i had a conversation with my bestfriend. He confessed i had hurt him deeply a long time ago. Noticed he said that as soon as i was ready to hear it. I also helped him on a personnal issue in an unusual manner, something very instinctive. I felt connected to something.

Then a nice call with my boyfriend. He told me an experience he had at work this day, a regression. For 10 minutes he felt like he was feeling 10 years ago, and it felt bad to him. He had forgotten about these feelings and it was a shock to him. He didn’t know why this happened.

Then i went to sleep. At some point, still in my sleep, i felt i was about to understand something. I made this conscious effort to let it come to me. Then the thought came to me and it felt like a lightning bolt in my brain : my mother punished me my whole life for something she went through and that had nothing to do with me. [edit : correction - she was suffering and asking for help the only way she could]

I had childhood trauma i couldn’t speak about before this year (i’m 37 y.o.) but then i told a few people and noone had the reaction i was hoping for. It was like what i was telling them was normal and no big of a deal. But this night i could tell and aknowledge to myself for the first time that no, something was not right. Something was deeply wrong.

Then all the memories came back and it all made sense. Felt both relieved and sick. I feel so bad for my mum. It’s gonna be very hard on her. I hope things will be ok. I’m pretty sure a happy life is waiting for all of us after all that.

The letter is still unopened.

Thanks for listening.


Hi there,
You’re experiencing a lot of mixed feelings, full of ups and downs and that can be a lot. I’m very glad to hear that things are slowly getting better for you and your family. I hope things keep going this way for you and have a happy life awaiting you.
Best of luck, You Matter :hrtlegolove:


So glad that things are making sense to you.

And that you felt how others are connected to you - your big moments of breakthrough was felt by them in some way too.

I’m also glad that you didn’t self harm, and that you saw how quickly your view of what was real changed, from being scared of certain diagnoses, to the relief and happiness when those weren’t applicable to you.
I’m so grateful that you shared your update!

Thank you!


First off I am so sorry you are going through all of this it is a tough tough situation and I know from my own experience that sometimes when we open doors or things that we arent ready for we can faulter. We can see it one way but it isnt that way. Personally I have felt for a long time that I was the user of my friends and those in my life but thanks to some deeply personal friends that understand that they have helped me see that is not true. That I give more and bring more than I ever had thought. I go above and beyond for people so the fact that I felt this way showed me I am trying to care for others more than myself. Its not easy to understand that about ourselves but it sounds like you are learning that. It also sounds like to me you are trying to make the amends for the things you can which is the steps you need to take. I am proud of you for that. Dont take the time out of life to feel as if you are not doing enough because you are. Each and every day we have to deal with things and battle things that others dont. You mentioned further down about how your mom use to punish you for things from her past well to me that sounds like trauma. Perhaps that is part of why you feel to blame or that things are enough but they can be. I am glad you are taking steps to settle those thoughts with your parents.

For the issues with the self harm perhaps take time to read the book rewrite and learn other means to cope with this stress and anxiety you are having. There are many resources on this platform like if you find the twitch there are streamers that can help. There are individuals who share stuff on the tiktok or youtube that could help you find a way to handle that need but safely.

Hold fast


Thanks all for your kind answers !

Last week was really special, i feel like it made me go through a new step in my life.

Now is all good i think, on the road to living with my loved one in a few months :slight_smile:

Thanks again <3


so happy to hear this positive outlook in life from you!

just a tiny point of further encouragement - even if things get a little bumpy again, it doesn’t mean that they are terrible, okay?
Life sometimes has ups and downs, even as we’re healing and learning and growing!

Wishing you well, friend! We’re always here for you!


Thank you so much Sita… yeah up and downs ^^ I understand things will need time and effort and that this crazy week was necessary but not enough by itself :wink: Thanks for your wise advise and kindness !

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