I think i have a big story to tell you. I just need to write it down and here feels like the right place to do so. Gonna restate some facts i already shared in the last update, but the story needs to be fully written here.
Last Saturday i had a session with my psychiatrist. I’ve been resistive during the whole time, and i felt in his attitude he showed me his annoyance but with no anger, it was part of the therapeutic process.
After that i felt like cutting myself (i’ve never done this yet). I took a knife and had it next to me in bed during 2 days, letting it go on my arm multiple times but without pressure, no cut. I felt threatened. I felt something was gonna hit me hard.
At some point i needed relief. I took a pill i usually take for panic attacks and it made me sleep. And during my sleep i had a vision that made me see how i’ve hurt people around me in my life. This made me confront myself to the feeling of guilt i was rejecting so far. It also made me integrate a feeling of responsibility, and i realized how i was not seeing my own share in many problems around me.
I sent apologies to a few people. Reconnected with family (aunt and cousin).
I had a delirium during the whole night after. I was conviced i had a diagnosis of psychopathy or sociopathy. I had two shocks in my body at some point, i felt embodied by the black swan. I looked at myself in the mirror, i had this mean gaze, it felt like i reconnected with myself after lying for so many years. I was an empty shell. No love, just indifference.
I decided to break up with my boyfriend to spare him and wrote him a letter i thought was pretending to be not too hard. Didn’t send it, i knew i had an appointment with the psychologist at 1pm and thought i’d wait to have confirmation on the diagnosis.
I also felt the whole society turning its back against me. Noone willing to interact with me anymore, being canceled everywhere online. Facing a future with no love. Felt not interesting. I thought i’d kill myself after having the confirmation. As a rational decision.
Turns out i’m not psychopath nor a sociopath. I read back the letter for my man and it was so full of love. I couldn’t believe it. And it felt like I was becoming aware of my boyfriend for the first time. I saw how i neglected him so far, how i didn’t hear his messages. And i felt like i could project myself being happy living with him, having bunnies and taking care of them. I hadn’t been able to project myself for those things so far.
Had deep talks with my cousin. First time we connected to that level. She was being my guide on this road. My ferrywoman.
My aunt welcomed me at her place and it felt just right. On the way back, i had this moment when everything just felt good and i felt true relief.
Then i cried without control for 2 days.
I wrote a long message to my parents, explaining my path this whole year and introducing them the idea of family therapy.
2 hours later i had my period for the first time in 5 years.
My dad answer hurt me but i could tell he only meant well consciously.
My mum answer has been a shock. I felt her love, she totally opened her heart and gave up control. She said the previous night she felt like a dove left her body and that she felt in peace.
They said they were ok for therapy.
After some time feeling it was “all good now”, i felt like i needed to make sense of some other thing in my life. I remembered an old work i did back in 2013 : i spent 3 months writing down all of my dreams in a journal. Read that back. Couldn’t believe what was in there. It felt like it had all the answers.
Yesterday night i was talking with my cousin and childhood trauma came on the table. I felt unwell evoking that stuff. She said things, little details that made sense and showed me she felt something was odd too.
After that, i had a conversation with my bestfriend. He confessed i had hurt him deeply a long time ago. Noticed he said that as soon as i was ready to hear it. I also helped him on a personnal issue in an unusual manner, something very instinctive. I felt connected to something.
Then a nice call with my boyfriend. He told me an experience he had at work this day, a regression. For 10 minutes he felt like he was feeling 10 years ago, and it felt bad to him. He had forgotten about these feelings and it was a shock to him. He didn’t know why this happened.
Then i went to sleep. At some point, still in my sleep, i felt i was about to understand something. I made this conscious effort to let it come to me. Then the thought came to me and it felt like a lightning bolt in my brain : my mother punished me my whole life for something she went through and that had nothing to do with me. [edit : correction - she was suffering and asking for help the only way she could]
I had childhood trauma i couldn’t speak about before this year (i’m 37 y.o.) but then i told a few people and noone had the reaction i was hoping for. It was like what i was telling them was normal and no big of a deal. But this night i could tell and aknowledge to myself for the first time that no, something was not right. Something was deeply wrong.
Then all the memories came back and it all made sense. Felt both relieved and sick. I feel so bad for my mum. It’s gonna be very hard on her. I hope things will be ok. I’m pretty sure a happy life is waiting for all of us after all that.
The letter is still unopened.
Thanks for listening.