In the way of support, I believe these wonderful people have said all the right things. We have come to know a little bit about you, and it’s all good. I have observed your thoughtfulness and sensitivity. Having your heart on your sleeve, or more accurately, having an open heart makes you vulnerable. Yet you have the courage to live with that vulnerability and sensitivity. That makes you very much a hero.
A very common thing in families is that they put each other in a mental box, and expect each other to continue being the same person they were in the past. In other words, they have formed an opinion about each other’s nature, and resist the idea that anyone of them can change. For example, if at an early age a person is thought of as very shy, if that person later becomes more outgoing, the family may not see or accept how that person has changed.
I believe you have changed very much for the better, and your family may be regarding you as though you are still the person who you used to be. That’s a hard thing to live with, especially if some members of the family have negative expectations of you. They may actually believe that they are treating you in the best possible way, based on things they came to believe about you in the past.
Do you remember the “Dog Whisperer” show? He often reinforced the concept of being “calm/assertive,” as a means to evoke positive behavior in the dogs. Guess what? That same approach works well with people too. The attitude is rare enough that it gets people’s attention. When communicating that way, thoughts are expressed with more clarity. This happens because the thoughts themselves flow with greater clarity within the mind. It can actually bring about greater confidence and empowerment.
You might also like this video. I warn you, it’s very long, but it offers insight on communication that very few people understand. It contains a lot of wisdom, and if you adopt the principles expressed, I’m pretty sure it will change your life in a very positive way.
Update: My situation is not getting any better, had 2 rough days . I broke down 2-3 times this week all because of my father . He is emotionally abusing me . and I’m getting to the last point of where I don’t want to see my father anymore . I’m tired of being abused . I’m done just done.
@Micro ,
So there’s 2 parts to this . which lead up to this.
Saturday :
So a friend of mine came over to hang, ( we barely got to hang because of my father being a butthole). And we had a conversation about the cats being split up between households (I have 4 cats and 2 bunnies) and I told him no this is not happening I am not splitting the cats up and he didn’t like that idea which got me upset so I said " I’m done " I grabbed my stuff and left the room to go to my room. My friend came to check on me through text and I told her to tell my father ( my father hired her to keep the peace) , that its all cats stay with me or he doesn’t get to see me . Fast forward to sunday …
Sunday (Today) :
We had that conversation again and I told him I’m not splitting the cats up they all have bonded with each other than suggested we keep the bunnies outside. I told him No domesticated bunnies shouldn’t be kept outside. Then he was playing the victim card again , and he’s like “if you stay at Mom’s I will miss you”… Fast forawd to leaving the grocery store we mad a so called “contract” which I agreed to . when we got home I was almost done putting the groceries away when my dad started yelling at the cats ( My sisters cat to be exact ) , and said " mo mo stop it , if you put a hole in my couch/chair ill put a hole in your tail " which that visibly upset me and I sent an email straight to my mom because of a tracker thing my father put on my phone . i had 2 break downs today and one the previous day . Me and my mother were talking and she had mentioned that my father was emotionally abusing me … which I agree … I’m just so damn tired of this shit its been going on for about a month now…
to add on to this @Micro ,
my dad talked to me tried to appologize but trieed to make me appologize for making the comment i had made saying " it wasnt adult liked ". i just dont know what to do anymore.
It’s okay to apologize, even when you know that you are right. Often it’s a case of, “I know I’m right, but I could’ve chosen my words more carefully, in order for you to not feel so bad.” It sounds like you are very confrontational with each other, and this is a long-standing pattern. Maybe both of you should watch that video I posted. It seems like you both get up in the morning, expecting to have difficulty getting along. The way you communicate will have to change, if things are to get better between you.
Cats are rarely impressed by being yelled at. A cat will continue clawing furniture, even with the hole in its tail. A squirt bottle works for some cats, but mine will just sit there and get drenched. One thing that works pretty well is to put a few pebbles into a soup can, or something similar, and when the cat gets up to no good, just drop or toss the thing near him. That has been very effective for my cat.
Make an effort to talk to your dad before you are ready to start yelling at each other. That should improve things a bit.
Me and my father usually don’t expect to butt head with each other . The issues haven’t started till about October 12th ish previous posts I’ve made about this situation.
These were all the issues I’ve been having with my father but mostly the last 2 are the most recent situation. Everything just hasn’t been the same since the situation started to when I was moving ( the day after I wrote the last post)…
We do have a situation behind this but my dad shouldnt have to threaten my sisters cat because he is doing something he ( the cat ) shouldnt be doing …
when i do try to talk to my father it feels like he isnt listening to me . it took several emails to my mother my mother to forward the emails to her lawyer ( who apparently can barely do anything…)
With my mother telling me that this is emotional abuse . I just … i dont know this is tiring. .
The cat is acting on instinct to stretch his muscles and sharpen his claws. If your father doesn’t want him to scratch furniture etc., then he/you should provide an alternative. Like scratching posts with whatever texture they like to use, placed next to where they like to scratch. Carpet, fabric, wood, rope etc. Not all cats like the same thing.
Spay bottles are not a good thing to use because I will guarantee you that when you’re not there, they will do whatever behavior you want to stop. They don’t know why you’re squirting them, they just know that it’s not pleasant and it’s coming from you. You also run the risk of making your cat afraid of you and not trust you. Not all cats handle stress (yes, it causes stress) the same.
My male cat would just sit there like @Wings cat and just get drenched too lol.
They sell canned air with sensors that give the cat a light (safe) burst of air when they enter an area they are not supposed to be in. People put them on their kitchen counters for example. After a few times, they will avoid the area because it’s unpleasant for them. It also doesn’t include you, so you’re not the bad guy.
the thing is we have alternative 2 of them . and they still do it . As I was saying that there’s no need for my father to threaten abuse ( IMO ) onto a cat cause that of course affected me .
Please be careful about applying these labels, especially if there is an ongoing court case. You have to look at what is going on, and make sure that this label is something that you believe to be true, and not an idea that your mom shared with you.
Also, because there is a custody agreement, you should officially report to someone if you think you are being emotionally abused, and provide your evidence. These are serious things and should be heard and acted on by the authorities who oversee custody. It’s not just words you throw around jokingly.
Hearing someone threatening your cats is upsetting. Has he ever been mean to them? Was he joking? Did he intend for you to hear it?
I still think you should have the person who advocates for you ask your father why he has trackers on your phone, especially if there is ongoing legal contentions between your parents. Is there any objective reason he had those trackers on it - like say you were frequenting some sites that weren’t positive or promoting some kind of harm?
I do hope that things work out for you, and that you and both parents figure out or get mandated by the courts a system that works best. It must be tiring and I truly get the physical effects part of that kind of stress.
You deserve to be happy and safe, and allowed to thrive and grow. I do hope that your voice is heard, and that a peaceful resolution is found.
Can you guys access some mediation? That could help draw out your issues and help you all establish what your goals are, and the best way to get there,
Where are they? Cats will usually scratch in rooms where you hang out the most. They like to mix their scent with ours. Also, does the scratch post have the same fabric as the furniture?
I love cats, I have 12 all together (inside & outside) and it makes me really upset when hear about your situation. You’re absolutely justified in feeling pissed off. When someone threatens our animals to make us feel certain emotions or do certain things, that’s emotional abuse. He needs to stop.
I wasn’t joking and I’m not joking on that at all. There’s also been a lawyer involved but there’s so much he can do . last time I had a situation like this he has suggested a “a parenting plan/rules” and that was about it.
he raises his voice here and there but this time he intended and yelled at him I couldn’t tell if he was joking or if he wasnt.
its one of those things that personally (IMO) i kinda want to see him get therapy . I had a conversation with my mother and my mother said my father doesnt know how to talk to me especially when things are important to me. but also at the same time im probably going to ask to live with her full time cause this is really tiring to deal with.
they mostly do it in the livingroom/dining room but when they get at my room they barely scratch anything. All he has done since ive been with him is complain complain complain.
There might not be anything in your room he likes to scratch, who knows lol. Cat’s are very peculiar animals. One of mine only likes cardboard scratchers and all the others like whatever I give them.
@Wings
I stopped seeing my “counselor” when Covid-19 started.
The only reason why i had started it was because i was forced into it by my father cause i didn’t have an option . ( like many other things he done this year ) … But if you are refereeing to my friend he is seeking help from her to learn how to talk to me .
But at the same time i feel like his actions wont change . But who knows . I am not the only person who has issues with my father . My mother also ( my fathers ex wife)…
So yeah …
You may not be able to change him/it might makes time for him to see things from your perspective. For now, with what you’ve described, it sounds that he is not in a mindset of questioning himself and eventually making a step to meet you halfway. That doesn’t mean it’s going to be like this forever, but there is certainly a right time for everything, and especially for this kind of change.
In the meantime, it’s so important to take care of yourself and focus on you. You already have enough on your plate, and making him change is probably not something to add to it - just a personal perspective of course.
I hope you’re hanging in there, friend, despite the stress and uncertainty. You’re loved so much.
thank you @Micro ,
Yeah i am seeing it myself as that when I was over there all he did for a day for a short amount of time is he complained about how much money I spent . But when i need a part for my computer he says that’s a lot of money … when he barely cooks , i always order out . yeah i understand , i have only either gotten my nails twice , ordered uber eats ( due to him barely cooking ) , or him transferring money so i could buy groceries ( due to him needed a new card.) Yeah i don’t work … i just i don’t know.
If your father invalidates your feelings, then it probably okay to make him look like a bad person, because he probably is a bad person. Don’t listen to those words. Don’t let him budge you.
