I’m 52 years old. My father was a narcissist, so i spent my early childhood either being adored(i was the show pony child) or in fight/flight/or fawn.
Ages from 14-17 were bad, real bad, and sadly predictable.
The closet i ever came to false escape was a handful of acetaminophen. It wasn’t a big enough handful, though. Made me sick as hell, and I remember laying on the couch and watching my nailbeds turn blue.
I had to have an abortion 2 days before my 17th bday, and it scared him enough that he left me alone.
I have never had any kind of therapy until the first of this year. Initially, it was for adjustment disorder to my recent multiple sclerosis diagnosis.
Once I started talking about my emotions in general, everything else bubbled up.
It turns out that cptsd has been a big contributing factor to my horrid health over the last decades.
Ulcerative colitis, multiple sclerosis, anxiety, depression, and insomnia.
I’ve never been able to regulate my emotions. I dissociate. I thought I was empathic by how well I read people’s emotions and could quickly figure out what people need but no, I’m just scanning the room because everyone has to be happy so I don’t get in trouble
I’m happy now though. My family and I have our usual issues but my relationship with myself, my brothers, my husband:heart:
, my sons, my DIL, and my grandsons is AWESOME.
I’m so unimaginably happy it was not a large enough handful.
Please talk to somebody. Staying is worth it. Find your way to happiness out of spite if nothing else.
